August 21 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 34

When they arise the next ‘morning’ they start to consider what they’re going to do, wondering if help will be forthcoming or not, and Elo posits her going back down and seeing they can rescue their ex-comrades gear at least, so they have spare rations and firewood, but before they can consider it further, there is a bubbling from the water in front of them. They stand ready to fight, but a dwarf in a diving suit dredges himself out of the water in front of them. He greets them and points out their failings quite aptly, saying he found their friends below and mentioning they didn’t get far did they? They tell him to be quiet, since they feel bad enough as it is, without listening to his tactless rambling. They dress, gather their gear, and don diving suits bright by their rescuers, then follow the dwarf across the bottom of the sunken shaft and out the other side. They head back to Merri’s parents to sort themselves out and store Alph and Lorc’s old stuff.

They give the bodies of their friends over to the priests of Moradin, who inter Alphonse with the Dwarves, and to the priests of Galana, who inter Lorcian under the watchful eyes of Granny Apple.

Meanwhile, a gnome and a human child wake to the smell of brine and bubblings of fish-people. They are bound and gagged, and as they look around, they find themselves in primitive wooden cages. a fat oldish kobold and a stern looking fish-dude are stood nearby, along with a group of other fish guys with spears. The kobold tells them they have been captured, the stern fish-dude tells them they are due to be sacrificed to Blibdoolpoolp as part of some war. They object, but there is not much they can do as their bonds are tight.

Back with the group: They have found refuge against their grief and guilt in mugs of ale, and are having a somber pint when a dwarf bursts in, and says they have been summoned to a war council with the local head of the Paladins. Dutifully they pack up their gear and trot off, to be told that a missive has been received from the King of the kobolds – pinned to the back of one of his subjects with a dagger – requesting that the dwarves surrender, and open their gates to the kobold’s masters, or otherwise they will let the Koa Toa sacrifice a bunch of miners and other assorted folk to their ugly-ass goddess. Clearly the dwarves dislike this idea, so they have fought back, bringing heavy artillery to bear, and creating a sort of ‘corridor of death’ through the invading forces and to the temple where the captives are being held. However, while they hold the main force at bay, they need a small group to penetrate the temple and free the prisoners.

Obviously the group agree, so they are taken to the field of battle, and run their way though cannon fire and down the line. Zeag rushes ahead, and Elo and Merri follow on. They push their way through the front and find six Koa Toa waiting for them. They are easily defeated however, with none of the party taking a scratch.

As soon as the guards are distracted by the approach of a band of heroes, the gnome and the kid wrestle in their bonds, trying to get free. Eventually the kid succeeds, and releases the gnome, and they manage to break their cage just as the heros come to free them.

Elo passes Merri a dagger and between the two of them, they free the prisoners. While they are doing so, however the toothed beak and flailing tentacles of a giant squid appear in the pool at the center of the temple. Not all of the prisoners were ‘good’ guys, some were also kobolds and koa toa, which were not released, and one of these cages is caught, dragged down into the depths and eaten. They narrowly avoid being pulled in themselves, and Enizeag decides he doesn’t much like that, so he finds the ‘plug’ for the hole, and tries to fit it. He doesn’t quite drop it right, covering half the hole, and the Kraken objects to having it’s lunch taken away. It reaches tentacles out and grips the plug, flinging it away and breaking it. It then reaches out and catches the edge of the hole, and pulls down, causing the floor to buck and strain.

At this point everyone decides it’s a good plan to leave, and so they start to run the fuck away. Only Elowen pauses, concerned about the kobolds and koa toa still trapped. She aims and fires at a cage, releasing a kobold, only to have it freeze in terror, as the cracks in the floor grow bigger, and reach up the walls. The mighty columns topple over crushing the poor kobold and the ceiling falls, with a squelch of calamari and a cloud of ink and dust. Those tentacles still visible, and uncrushed, slither away into the dark.

August 19 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 33

In order to get some more info on the path they’re going to take, Drakewing decides to spend the evening in the pub, plumbing the crowd for stories. The others follow intending to have a quiet drink while Drake works, and maybe bail him out of trouble if needed.

They go to a miner’s bar, and Drake introduces Enizeag as the one who beat the Fist of the Mountain. There are grumbles, as it seems the bet was a widespread thing, and one particularly irate fellow comes forward to challenge Enizeag. Funnily enough Enizeag wins, and the other poor chap is laid out and battered. A few clerics step forward to administer aid, and between them a brawl almost starts, but Drake calls out for a round for the house on him, which quells the impending nastiness, he then starts a rousing song. After it they find someone who knows about the the sunken shafts they’re about to go down and who tells them about the fish people and the aboleth.

The dwarf in question tells them a curious and horror-filled tale about how the shaft was sunk, about the sticky-slimy shields of the Koa Toa, and about the glimpses of the aboleth that tried to eat them. He tells them they set anything threatening on fire, and that seemed to do the trick. He goes on to drunkenly extol the virtues of a semi mythical dwarven fighter called Chuckaye Norrison, and the group take that as their cue to head back to the bar…

They wander on back to their beds eventually, Alphonse much the worse for wear, and Mama knits him a pink woolen helm for passing out on her floor.

The next day they go back to the miner’s guild HQ for some last minute supplies. They get seal-skin bags to keep their equipment dry underwater, and look at the diving gear the miners offer, but decide against it as the pipes won’t be long enough.

They don’t even think of leaving some of their kit behind, as they figure they will need it all anyway, and head down to the shaft to get started.

At first things go okay, with ‘Zeag putting on a burst of speed and coming out of the water first. Then Alphonse and Meredith start to get into trouble, with Drakewing following suit. Elo isn’t doing too badly so decides to go back for Alphonse. This does not turn out well for her and she concentrates on getting herself to land first, and does so with some help from Enizeag. They stand on the shore waiting for the others, but when no one comes up, ‘Zeag ties a rope around Elo and she goes back for them. She manages to save Merri but is too late for Alphonse and Lorcian. She tries again and again, though but her cold limbs and tiredness prevent her, and she almost drowns herself. After the second time, Enizeag prevents her from going in again and they take of their wet garments, hanging them out to dry, and build up a fire. Merri summons a Celestial labrador, and they send it back for help, since they are clearly out of their depth. They then snuggle down into their bedding and rest.

August 17 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 32

Given that the nearest waypoint is back through the temple, they head back, and Merri gives the secret knock. The trapdoor is opened and a priest answers with a ‘well that was quick… oh bloody hell!’ when he sees their haul of bloodied sacks.

Since they are already at the temple, Merri hands the spear over to the priest and says they encountered a death knight who was carrying it. He goes a little pale and takes it from her, saying to wait there, he’s going to take it to a higher priest.

He rushes through a door, and there is the muffled sounds of exclamation. As they listen, those With sharper ears pick up him slamming another door and running further away, but again the sounds of raised voices comes though:

“He can’t be disturbed”
“I wouldn’t ask but this is important”
“But he’s in contemplation!”
“Oh hell… But this is of the utmost urgency. Go and tell him!”

There is more running feet, and after some time the flushed priest re-emerges telling them to follow him. They leave their bags of severed heads and enter a series of passages that grow ever more grand and righteous, and cause them to feel ever more nervous, until eventually they are presented with a set of large fantastic doors. Merri touches one gently and it swings open revealing the innermost sanctum of the High Temple of Moradin. Inside, leaning on a staff of precious metals and wearing a golden mask in the likeness of —, is the Archlector.

They all perform various gestures of reverence, and he inclines his head slightly towards them. He asks Merri to show him the spear that they found and she holds it up, covered, for him to see. He takes it from her, and examines it in ways they cannot ken, and questions them. Eventually he says that the spear was made by the secrets of death it’s self, secrets that could only have been obtained by the god Vectnar. It is old, old magic, he says, and he seems very perturbed, and goes on to tell them that if this magic is being used then their enemy is powerful indeed. They tell him about overhearing mention of a ‘cabal’, and they can feel the worry radiate off him, even though they can’t see his face. He tells them to go, he needs to study the spear and meditate on what might be needed next. They leave him to it and walk out with the best semblance of calm they can.

As they pass through the lesser corridors of the temple, people stop and stare at them in a very unnerving manner. they collect their severed heads, and take them off to the miner’s guild to obtain their bounty. As they move through the mountain, people part for them and stare. At first they can’t quite understand what’s going on, but Merri explains that it’s extremely rare for any other dwarf but the Archlector to be in the contemplation chamber, incredibly rare for that dwarf to be a lowly cleric like Merri and unheard of for ‘outsiders’ to allowed entrance. News also travels faster than the wind it seems, as everyone that crosses their path knows about the event. They hand their heads in finally at the Miner’s Guild and Guildmaster Picktooth keeps praising them, and saying ‘well blow me’ a lot.

They decide now might be a good time for a drink, and Elo announces she wants the shittiest rotgut that can be found. For some Gods unknown reason the others follow her to the shittiest bar that is probably in the golden mountain – a Dive, as Alphonse quips, so low, it could be under the sea. Elowen is handed a greenish coloured liquor. A drink, she is told, that has been triple distilled through a pair of old tights into a bathtub, and maybe once upon a time was made from something like grain. She takes a few sips and in a spectacular display of hallucinations and mild poisoning, get’s instantly bladdered. It certainly takes the edge off. The others’ worried for her safety, pick her up and take her back to Merri’s parents where she is fed some block-coffee and sobered up.

The next morning, while Elo is nursing her hangover, and the others are doing some shopping, Enizeag seeks out a dwarvish monk he has heard about known only as ‘The Fist of The Mountain’. He enters a dojo in a remote area of the mountain, and tells the dwarf inside that he seeks training. The dwarf nods and they start wailing on each other. It’s a close thing, but just-and-just Enizeag wins out. Another dwarf comes by having heard the commotion, and takes both ‘Zeag and the Fist to the temple to be healed.

The others have returned to Merri’s folks and while eating lunch receive another summons from the Archlecter. They head back to the temple and meet up with ‘Zeag who tells them what happened to his bloodied and bruised face. There is lots of cussing on Merri’s part – apparently there is a long-running bet on the Fit never being beaten and Merri’s Da is one of those with a stake in the pot. They go back through the impressive corridors to the contemplation chamber and greet the Archlecter.

He summons a magical crystal and leads them inside, and tells them that in almost two thousand years the dire magics that they brought him have not been seen, and they clearly need more advanced kit if they want even a hope of defeating what lies in front of them. He puts his staff in the center of the crystal, and hairline cracks form, and at their terminuses pedestals form, each with an item on it. He tells them that this kit belonged to himself and his own adventuring party many years ago, and he hands it out to them, saying he hopes they will treat it well.

Alph gets war hammer, Merri gets a mace, Enizeag gets gauntlets, Lorc gets a composite short bow and Elo gets twin daggers. With the handing over of each item, the Archlecter asks them if they will pledge themselves to the defense of the mountain and the world, in Moradin’s name. They all agree.

With that, they leave the crystal, and are send on their way. They return, via some healing for ‘Zeag, to the miner’s guild. There they are told that given the severity of the infestation, the Paladins have taken the main fight with Kobolds. But the problem of the kobold-boss still remains, and so they are asked to go and take him out. They are given two options for getting to him – Through the clusterfuck of fighting, or via a partly submerged tunnel. Both will take equally long, but the submerged tunnel is a long forgotten path that will bypass the fighting and take them directly to the kobold stronghold. The group opt for taking the secret tunnel, and prepare themselves for the journey’s particular trials, and the beasties they might encounter on their way – Koa Toa or maybe an Aboleth.

July 20 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 31

When they approach the cleft in the rock, the group hear a kobold voice crying out in common, “Intruders! Intruders are here!” Another, rougher, voice tells the kobold to go and kill them, as it has all the tools it needs, gifts from the cabal, and to stop whining, get it done or their masters will be unhappy. The kobold responds by calling it’s men to arms.

Alerted to the fact there is a platoon of kobolds headed their way, the group take up positions around the cleft, intending to use it as a choke point; Enizeag and Alphonse take front and center, Merri stands to one side to flank and provide healing, and Elo and Drakewing provide ranged support from the back. This quickly falls apart however, as Alphonse, eager to get into the fray, drives forward, with Enizeag and Merri close behind. With their enemy caught in the middle of the cleft, Elo and Drakewing are forced to move forward also. Between them they make short order of this group, but another waits at the tunnel entrance. Suddenly from deep within the cavern on the other side of the cleft a ball of eldritch fire comes forth, flickering purple and electric blue. Enizeag easily moves out of the way, and while Alph is quick on his feet he still gets singed. Unfortunately Merri gets the brunt of the attack, but the ball of flame dissipates by the time it reaches Elo and Drakewing.

‘Slit, slot, hear the bodies drop, and the crossbow twang as the heads go pop!’

Peering through the dimness, Drakewing can see what they thought was the dire woozle but now revealed to be a skeletal dire woozle. Mounted on it’s back is a kobold-sized creature, but where it’s eyes should be are only twin flickerings of flame. Drakewing curses, and tells Elo that it’s a Death Knight sat there, like a wight but with it’s soul bound to an item. He explains to her that it’s sort of like the intelligent blade of Honour, but not.

‘Why do dead, suddenly appear, every time, I am near? Just like me, they long to be, corrupting you!’

Meanwhile Alph and Merri edge back towards Elo and Drakewing, with the intention of encouraging the kobolds to come to them, but the kobolds don’t seem to like this idea, and instead retreat further back into their cavern. Enizeag though has other ideas, and rushes forwards to lay about him, but find instead a group of kobold skeletons waiting for him. After a run-by-healing from Merri, Alph moves forward with the intent to assist Enizeag, but he is too far away to do much. He sheathes his sword and picks up a crappy crossbow from a fallen kobold and uses it on the remaining squishy kobolds as he advances. Merri, Drakewing and Elo all follow him at varying speeds, with Lorcian unleashing a sound burst that shattered the skeletons, including the Death Knight’s mount. Eventually all the skeletons are dead, the remaining kobolds run away and it is just them and the death knight. The two magic users spend their time healing the Knight, sending positive energy scalding into his negatively charged body, while elo hangs back and punches holes in the Knight with her crossbow. But every hit that Enizeag and Aph land seems to do nothing at all. Angry now, Enizeag trips the Knight, sending him to the ground where he suffered a thoroughly ignoble death of being kicked to re-death on the ground.

When they are done pummeling him, they go to investigate the items he had on him, and see he’s wearing kobold-sized black full-plate armour covered in a frosty rime. Clutched in a paw is a spear, that the runes of which fade as he dies. Elo and Merri go to relive the body of these items, and the bone crumbles away to dust. Merri carefully wraps the spear in a cloth and tucks it in her pack with the intention of taking it to the temple for analysis, while Alph, Enizeag and Drakewing collect the remaining kobold heads to cash in at the next way-station.

July 12 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 30

Dinner is had and things are discussed, namely the need of funds, and the need of an honest job. Eventually the group heads to bed, while Elo sorts herself out with some vague clothes made of her borrowed cloak. The next morn they head to the miners guild, as Merri’s Da has suggested since, aside from Lorcian, none of them have a proper profession but Swords-for-Hire, and apparently there is a bit of a kobold infestation.

They find their way into a grad building, and talk to the guildmaster, Grungni Picktooth who greets them with open arms when they tell him why they’re there. He shows them a map covered in red pins, and says they can name their price if they think they can make a dent in the kobolds. Elo says 2gp a head, thinking she’s aiming high, but he readily agrees. They study the map and notice that the knot of the kobolds are around the under tunnels they came from before. Alph mentions the trolls, and Picktooth says if they can bring back a troll head they’ll get 100gp for it. Elo mentions the kobolds they ran into before seemed a whole lot more intelligent than they should be, so maybe there was something behind them, driving and organizing them. She asks if the guildmaster has any enemies, and he mentions a Nori, the head of a miner company that was unhappy with price hikes. Elo nods and says they’ll keep an eye out.

Merri leads them back to the main temple, and they pass one of the high priests who recognises her (is there anyone who doesn’t?) and when he hears of their job, he hands them a satchel of health potions and good wishes.

They head down into the tunnels and are soon met with a multitude of kobolds. They fight their way through, finally beating this part of the horde and take a moment of rest, only to see in the shadows distant a figure hunched over on what can only be another dire woozle, vanishing into the caverns beyond.

July 10 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 29

The group, such as is left, stand around, a bit befuddled for a moment. Alph goes and rummages around in Daraja’s pack, taking his rapier and coin purse.

The rangers look around, as Merri – very upset about her beard – starts at one of them. He holds up his sword, and warns her back, saying he has no idea what just happened, but as far as he knows, they’re still fugitives and he wants to take them back to the city. There are a few harsh words exchanged, but the rangers generally have the upper hand, so Drakewing offers them surrender, so that they can bury the dead, and take Daraja and Stringwhisker’s bodies back to Toreguard. They set about making stretchers and prepare for the long walk back.

Elowen is woken by Captain Withnail bringing her breakfast – bacon, eggs, toast, porridge – but she is hungover and doesn’t want to eat. He tells her that he’s resigned and she is annoyed, but understanding. He tells her there is more for her out in the world, that she should leave Toreguard to rot, and she can’t hide in cell forever. He goes on to mention that he’s left a pack for her, and he’s going to leave the door open for her. She tells him she’s not going anywhere, but all he does is nod, and says he’ll take the key so she can’t lock herself back in.

“There’s nails in here you know! I can just as easily… un-pick the lock, and close it again…”

The party on the road enter the city and are surrounded by city guards. They are allowed to pass through to the Garden of Galana, where Daraja and Stringwiskers are intered. The rangers, not really sure what to do with them, offer to escort them to Drakewing’s house, but a guard gives a meaningful cough, and they are taken back to the north precinct.
They are introduced to the new captain, Leo Tharrus, a quality sort of chap who has a salt-n-pepper tash, white pony tail and glass eye. Some words are exchanged, and he then gives the order for them to be taken downstairs, where they see Elo is still sat in her cell, breakfast mostly gone and door open. When she sees the others she leaps up and starts screaming at them demanding to know what in all the God’s Names they’re doing back, and calling Alph stupid and idiot. Some more harsh words are exchanged, and Elo beats her fists on Alph’s chest. Eventually she calms down, and throws her hands up with a cry of ‘to hell with the lot of us’. Alph says something else to provoke her, and she throws the porridge at the bars and sprays everyone. They are all locked up, and Merri requests her priest. Tharrus agrees, and leaves as Alph continues to argue with Elo, who continues to berate them for coming back and throw crockery at Alph.

Upstairs Enizeag is given his bounty, and is wandering back through the watch house as the priest of Moradin walks through, recognises him, and grabs him as he passes through to talk to the others. Merri starts by admitting she lost the scrolls, and explains what happened. The old priest is surprised after she tells him that there was divine intervention. He becomes excited and examines both Alphonse and Enizeag, and proclaims them to be newly formed and whole, as a child. He says they must find a way to escape, as Moradin wouldn’t have bestowed this blessing on just anyone. They must surely be special and important in some way to his divine plans, and thus can’t be permitted to rot in prison, despite what Elo thinks. He gives them a rousing speech about the job they have before them, to save the city and quite possibly the world along with it, and that they can’t do it from the wrong side of bars.

His time with them comes to an end, and is asked to leave by a watch officer, so the priest takes Enizeag to the Temple of Moradin, gives him some better robes and charges him with not only freeing them from the prison, but their bodily and spiritual safety from now on. Enizeag thinks hard about how he is going to get them out. As the old priest noted, ‘there is no polite way to get it done’. Thinking to cause a distraction and half-sneak them out, he heads to the church of Olidammara and looks for Cece. Unbeknownst to him, she is actually a psychotic duplicitous bitch. She readily agrees to assisting him in causing a ‘distraction’, if it’ll get her little hunnybuns (also known as Alphonse) out of jail.

She requests some bodies from the city morgue, and Enizeag provides them, not too sure about her plan, but unfortunately trusting she knows what she’s doing. Once she’s received them, she begins to raise them and then goes all out crazy-town. She takes them in the hearse he’s ‘borrowed’ and sends them into the North-Gate watch House, shrieking like a banshee, and directs them to slaughter everyone in their path. It’s a bit of a ‘you were only meant to blow the bloody doors off’ situation, but Enizeag the pragmatist takes what he’s got and works with it, making his way down to the jails under the watch house.

Down below the others are surprised to hear the commotion, and are wondering what’s happening, when Enizeag bursts through the door, the cell keys in his hands. he releases them all, and tell them they have to get moving. Elo is reluctant, but before anyone can do anything Tharrus comes running through the door. He shoves it closed behind him, and starts wailing about the undead and the murderous bitch above. All eyes turn towards Enizeag, and someone asks what he’s done. Before he can answer, the door goes flying open and Cece comes through. She greets Alph fondly, gives a nod to the others, and hauls Captain Tharrus to his knees. She says something about the days of people not taking her seriously are at an end, and she snaps the Captain’s neck with about as much remorse as if to a chicken. Elo and Alph cry out, and the others look a little bit sick. Cece taps Alphonse on the bum, and tell him he ought to be on his way now. She turns to Enizeag, thanks him for a fun time and then also indicates they should probably get a shift on. Elo is outraged and says if ever they needed to stay put it was now, but Enizeag encourages her to leave by picking her up. She slips out his grasp, grabs the bag and weapons that Captain Withnail left her, and sulks out.

Upstairs is carnage and both Elo and Alph are appalled. Cece offers no remorse, so Elo tries to sling a dagger in her back but it goes wide. The others are ushered out to the waiting hearse, and Alph and Elo hurry to their offices to check on their partners. They are fine, but shaken. Elo offers thanks they’re fine and tells them she’s so sorry for how all this has turned out. Enizeag picks her up, throws her over a shoulder while she can’t protest, and they all leave Toreguard in the hearse.

Two days on the road to Fangthane and they come across an outpost of three men. It is badly kept and little more than a tower, but they decide to stop to at least give the horse a rest. They meet two of the men, Harold and Henry of the 43rd Company Road Wardens, straight off and they offer to put the kettle on while they chat about why they are on the road. Elo is not happy about how much the others are keen to tell the guards, and wants to move on, but that changes when the third of the Wardens, Anthony, come back. he is rude and disrespectful, and Elo is very keen to put him in his place but the others prudently drag her away before a fight can start.

They continue on towards the gold-capped mountain and eventually come to the border between where the Plains end and Fangthane’s land begins. there is a noticeable difference in upkeep of the two sides, and a few miles in from the border is a small settlement surrounding a dwarfish watch tower. They elect to stop there for the night and rest the horses again. Because it is a bigger settlement, Elo says someone should look after their hearse and volunteers herself. The others reluctantly agree, and vanish into the inn, where they order food and pay for rooms and sabling. They also send someone out to ask Elo what she wants, and initially she is reluctant, as she has no cash but the enthusiastic dwarf says she must have something, so she asks for a cup of tea and some bread. He brings her a thermos and a massive sandwich. As darkness falls Drakewing asks her to come sleep inside but she insists someone should stay with the horse, and so they bring her another thermos of tea and a blanket and let her be. The next morning they purchase some rudimentary arms and armour with what little cash they have on them, and continue on to the mountain.

After another few weeks, they approach the base of Fangthane. The guards tell them they can’t come in, and Merri shows him the letter from the High Priest of Moradin in Toreguard. He peers at her, and says something about her wanting to get out so desperately, now she wants to come back in? but the seal and addressee on the letter convince him, so they open the gates a crack for the hearse to rumble on through. The hearse and horses are subsumed by the mountain and the group is escorted to one of the high priests. The letter is handed over, and read by the dwarf with increasing incredulity, muttering and a final ‘Well. Shit.’ He gives them another speech, this one about iron having to be heated and tempered before it can be an effective weapon. So buoyed, he sends them on to Merri’s folks for some rest and to figure out what the hell they are going to do about the big nasty dragon, and the big nasty leaky portal.

They arrive after having apparently seen everyone who might know Merri in the whole damn mountain, to hugs and beer. They explain what happened and Merri’s mother coos over her while her Dad tells embarrassing stories. Elo says they’re going to need some new gear if they want to take on the whole Drakemar empire, but all she has is the damnable tainted coins from the Emissary. Gruk recoils in horror, but then seems to have a thought. He asks them all out back to his mini-forge while Merri’s Mam finishes dinner. He gets them all to put their tainted gold into a crucible which he heats, and pours the liquid metal into a dagger cast. He says he will fashion it into a killing weapon for them, so they can take out the dragon with his own poison touch. They return to dinner and chat amicably.

July 1 2015

How to piss off a Local in 5 easy steps

This was written in response to a request for holiday horror stories on Teabot’s show. It was well received, and apparently amusing, so I thought I’d share it here too.  The podcast of the show is here, her oration of the list is excellent.

1. Stand in the middle of the street gawking.

Yes, we know the roads are narrow, and the pavements narrower, but they are still roads and cars like to drive down them occasionally without having to honk their horn and risk running you over. Similarly, if you’re going to dawdle your way along said narrow pavements, for the love of gods, do it single file. Some of us live here and are going to be late for work/appointments if you don’t fucking move right now.

2. Feed the wildlife.

Because of course chips are excellent for a seagull’s digestion, and don’t condition it to return day after day to score a free meal, and if it does, of course that won’t bother us natives at all. Not. This goes for any type of wildlife – Horses, cows, pigeons. It’s especially dangerous, for you and the animal, to feed larger beasts. They’ll trot across busy traffic just to see if you have something tasty on you, and if you don’t? Well, horse bites hurt.

3. Ask me for directions.

Okay there’s a caveat to this one; If I’m dawdling along, enjoying the sunshine like you, there’s a good chance I’ll happily give you directions. But if I’m scowling, and in a tearing hurry, I’m more likely to tell you to how to get to the sewage works than I am to send you to the beach.

4. Complain about the lack of mobile signal/ conveniences/ something similar.

You’re in the arse-end of nowhere, love. There’s fuck-all out here but farms and pigs, or the sea and fish. You’re lucky there’s a corner shop. Quit your bitchin’ already.

5. Call where I live quaint.

Stop that shit right now. Especially if it’s been around for less than a hundred years. Stop it. Just no.

Category: Creative, Personal | Comments Off on How to piss off a Local in 5 easy steps
June 8 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 28

Drakewing unfortunately becomes entangled, as the rangers all turn and attack Alphonse. Stringwhiskers also succomes as Alphonse attacks them right back. Merry keeps him healed, and Enizeag aims at the main ranger who has been attacking Alph, but misses. Drakewing wrestles with the vines but gets nowhere, and similarly the rangers struggle and hit nothing. Squeaks manages to free himself but his spell still fizzles. Alph hits the rangers again and Merry heals him again. Enizeag has noticed the general trajectory of the arrows from daraja, so he runs around the outside of the entangled zone and gets halfway towards where daraja must be hiding.

The rangers manage to disentangle themselves but are so caught up in that their attacks on Alph fail. Squeaks remains unentangled and hurries to Alph’s side. Alphonse becomes entangled again, but doesn’t manage to get out, and instead gets attacked for his trouble. Merry manages to deliver some more healing for Alph, but finally the rangers notice that she is doing so and starts to attack her instead. Daraja shoots again at Alph. Enizeag covers the distance to another boulder and hides behind it partly, and lets loose a pot-shot at where he sort of thinks that Daraja is. Miraculously he hits Daraja square on, and does him some damage.

Drakewing manages to free himself and scrambles up on the rock he’s hiding behind. Only one of the rangers is able to attack having freed himself, and Squeaks manages to heal Alph. Alph becomes entangled again, but attacks regardless, and manages to take out one of the rangers that has been tormenting him. Merry fails to heal herself. Daraja crawls forward a bit and casts a second entangle to cover Enizeag, who avoids the plants nibley. He can’t see where exactly where Daraja is, but he can see the edge of the entangled zone, so he runs outside of the zone and tries to get another bead on Daraja but fails.

Now Drakewing has gotten on to the rock, he makes an impassioned plea for Daraja to stop this madness and call off the rangers. He mentions there is the greater evil of the unstable seal, and the gates of hell need closing. Daraja is unmoved, but 3 of the rangers think maybe he has a point, and decide not to shoot. Sadly one tries anyway, but fails. Alph manages to get himself free again, but that’s all he can do. Merry manages, finally, to Protect Alphonse.

Meanwhile on the other side of the area, Daraja steps up to Enizeag and whispers ‘shibboleth’ in his ear. The effect is instantaneous – Enizeag freezes under the effect of a Hold Person spell, and Daraja performs a coup de grâce, and sets him on fire. Enizeag dies instantly. Drakewing is furious and cries out for all the killing to stop, he shouts about how Alphonse and Daraja should go one on one, since this is their feud. At that point Daraja shouts back, and the group end up having a loud shouty argument, about how Daraja is persecuted and trying to obey the law and those who say they are lawful are breaking it right, left and center, and how Alph is trying the survive and defend himself. However the wardens show up and start making threats to Daraja that the remainder of the group should be taken back for sentencing. Reluctantly the group down their weapons and the Wardens arrest them all (sans Daraja, obviously). They are cuffed and put into a coach, while Enizeag’s charred corpse is placed on a horse, and they all set off.

As they do, Daraja puts his face through the window of the coach, and whispers “You made your choice!” and breaths fire at them. The coach catches light and the friendly ranger (Viktor) screams that the coach is on fire. There is chaos as Viktor tries to put it out, and Daraja hands him an oil skin, instead of a waterskin instead. Viktor shouts at Daraja, but Daraja bluffs and laments what he’s done. Two of the rangers believe daraja, but one extra is on the group’s side. All the warden’s horses buck and kill them, so there is only one person still actively working for Daraja, but the other rangers don’t believe him and are sitting to one side confused. The group break out of the burning coach, and Drakewing, Alphonse and Merry are fine..ish and not on fire. Stringwhiskers however lands in a pile of burnt fur and dies. Daraja shoots at alphonse and he passes out. Then Daraja shoots at Merry and badly wounders her, but she rolls to her knees and Prays. Something moves within and there is a flash of light as Enizeag takes a gasp of air. He rolls off his panicked horse and stands shimmering with divine light and anger. Moradin gives Merry a curt nod as he winks in and out again. Alph also takes a gasping breath. Daraja shouts at his men to attack them, but still only one obeys. Daraja moves to close the distance and attacks Enizeag with his rapier. Meanwhile, Drakewing goes to heal Merry, who is exhausted and badly hurt, and Alph runs to close the distance between him and daraja.

Enizeag tries to hit Daraja but misses and seeing this, another ranger changes his mind back, and the two rangers attack, but also miss. Alph makes it to the party, and prays to Moradin who grants him some temporary health to deal with Daraja. He fails to hit the woodling. Daraja takes a step back and breaths fire over the two, hurting them more and setting them on fire. Enizeag goes to give him a grapple, but they end up holding each other.

Drakewing finds the keys for the manacles and frees himself and Merry. Alph tries to strangle Daraja but Daraja is too small and slips out of his grip, but then Enizeag manages to land a punch and Alph cracks him on the head. The rangers shoot Merry and almost kill her, but she manages to claw back some health with a spell. Enizeag manages to land another punch, and now Daraja is very very badly hurt. Alph swings and misses, Merry picks up a bow to shoot, but misses Daraja. Daraja aims at Enizeag and hits, and Enizeag pummels him in return. Drakewing aims with the bow, but misses. Alph then lands the final smack down, and Daraja finally lays knocked out at his feet.

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June 1 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 27

While all the stuff has been going on, Einzige returns to the Dappled Unicorn and receives 300gp – 100 from the innkeeper, and 200 from the lord who offered to double the innkeeper. He sits down with his free pint, and keeps an ear out for further work.

Daraja, in an attempt to find out where the others have Alphonse holed up, heads to Drakewing’s house, and talks to the housekeeper Mrs Wilkins, who tells him that the group have left town suddenly. He finds this curious and sets out to find them. His options to get more information about where they may have gone, he thinks, are to speak to someone at the Slippery Slope, or to speak to Cece. Since the Theater is closer, he heads there, and finds Cece outside, hankie in hand. She tells him that the group have left town, and are aiming for Stonebridge, and asks him to bring Alphonse back to her.

With assurances he will, Daraja heads back to the Northgate Precinct Watchhouse to speak to Captain Eric Withnail. Daraja informs the Captain, that not only has Alph skipped town, but Elo has helped him. The Captain is outraged, and gives Daraja a license of bounty to retrieve Alphonse and Elowen dead or alive.
Flush with the prospect of hunting down his former comrades, Daraja heads out to finds his trainee rangers, and collects eighteen of them to take with him on his mission. Daraja then finds out where Enizege is drinking, and after a word with his network, he heads to the Dappled Unicorn and speaks with the half-orc. Enizege considers for a moment and says he will join Daraja’s team.

Meanwhile back on the road, the remainder of the group come across Uncle Jared. They come to a halt and ask if he needs a ride. While they are talking, Elo says she needs to pee. She has been going over the mess she’s made of everything in her head while they’re on the road, and has decided she will return to the city and face the music, but won’t tell say anything because she doesn’t want the others to try and stop her.
Uncle Jared says he is surprised to see them, but after hearing their tale, he agrees to go with them and take them to a chapel of St Cuthbert in Stonebridge. while they are talking Elo slips away and makes a run for it. Jared says she probably has some things to work out, so they carry on without her, Meredith sure that the woodling will return to them at some point.

As she flees back to the city, Elowen sees an approaching coach, and regardless of who it is, she decides to hide. She leaps and tumbles over a rock intending to hide, but as she does so, she notices that one of the riders on the coach is Daraja, so she comes to a defensive crouch, and draws her crossbow, aiming for him. Unfortunately she misses, and hits the coach instead. Daraja has also noticed her, and as the coach draws level, he looses an arrow back at her, using a sleep arrow, and hits. Elo goes down, but fortunately for her, before Daraja can get to her, Einzige catches hold of her. Daraja says to strip her of her equipment, which Einzige does so, and ties her up. Daraja orders her taken back to the city. She is given over the Head Road Warden, a man called Jessop, and they head back to the city. Daraja then orders some of the Road Wardens and the rest of his group to carry on after the coach, and they do so, with the Wardens going on ahead.

The Wardens catch up to the coach, and the group warn them to stay back, saying they are a prisoner transport, but the Warden’s don’t believe them, as Daraja has shown them his writ. Jared climbs on top of the coach as they are traveling and gives them fair warning, not to mess with the group, but still the Wardens persist, so Jared fights them. From behind, Daraja’s cart has caught up, and he shoots over their heads and hits one of the horses. The pair of horses buck and bolt in opposite directions, pulling the yoke that binds them, and shattering it. the coach goes over on it’s side skidding to a stop. The Warden’s call for the group to come out of the coach with their hands raised, but of course they are disinclined to do so, so instead Uncle Jared climbs out and covers for them. Jared calls out that he’s seen Daraja’s like before, and Daraja counters with a request for Jared to turn aside. Jared responds with a mini-rant about how people like Daraja use the system to hide behind, and finishes it up with ‘I’ve scraped things off my boots with more credibility than you!’. He runs forward, but Daraja has his rangers turn him into a pincushion. Alphonse screams out, as Squeaks casts a pall of darkness to cover their escape, and Meredith hauls on the grief stricken Alphonse. Under cover of the confusion they run, and Merry pulls them off the road.

Finally Elowen and Jessop reach Toreguard. She asks if he minds allowing her to walk into the watchhouse on her own. He asks her name, and she gives it. Jessop recognises her by reputation, and he says he will grant her that. They have a brief conversation about poor choices and Doing The Right Thing, and she bids him good night. Elo gathers the cloak he’s loaned her, and walks into the station, to the confused stares of some of her colleagues.

She goes straight to the captain’s office. as she walks in he greets her with a confused look of his own, that soon turns to understanding as she quietly and calmly gets to her knees and places her hands behind her head, and places herself under arrest. The captain takes it in his stride, and escorts her, in cuffs, down to the cells. She protests that she should be put with the other prisoners, but Captain Withnail tells her that it’s his choice and is she arguing with a superior officer? She says no, and they continue. He locks her in the cell with a bottle of wine, and takes a seat outside. She tries to tell him all the horrible stuff she believes she’s done, and that she should no longer have her rank, but he persists in calling her Sergeant. He asks where the group are now, and she tells him they were on their way to stonebridge. She insists that it isn’t them that he wants, that she was behind everything, but he won’t listen, instead he laments at the state of affairs – that he asked rashly and in anger at sending Daraja off to take Alph down. Withnail then tells her a story about how he sent his own wife to the executioner’s block because she spoke out against the Drakemar empire, and the Emissary told him to do so. Elo is stunned, but at the end of the tale, she again insists that he stop calling her by her rank. He says no, that he will not accept her resignation – instead, come the morning, she will be accepting his. Elo asks if he’s planning on doing anything stupid, because there’s clearly plenty of stupid to go around tonight. He says, no, he’s going to make things right, and bids her good night. She calls after him, demanding to know what he’ll do, but again he just says he’ll see her in the morning and leaves her in a state.

Back on the road, the fight has been taken into the long grass. The warden’s are still stumbling around in the black pall cast by Stringwhiskers, but Daraja has managed to drive through it and out the other side. They have paused to put Jared’s body onto the wreckage of Olidemmara’s coach, and have set fire to it, in what Daraja refers to as a funeral pyre. His men do not seem so convinced, but do as they are told anyway.

The remainder of the group have hidden themselves, but Daraja has sent his men to surround them on one side, while he creeps around the back. At first the group don’t want to attack, however soon Daraja and his rangers don’t give them much choice. So Alpha hurries into the fray and takes out half the rangers in one swoop. But as Daraja is hidden behind them, he shoots at Alph and does him considerable damage. Merry hurries out of hiding and heals Alphonse. Meanwhile squeaks has managed to charm someone and Drakewing dazed another in the second group of Rangers. At the same time Einzige has put a bullet in another ranger. All the while Daraja has been attacking from a hidden point behind them. Suddenly he makes the grass twitch and it entangles their feet…

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May 25 2015

Destiny’s New Servants, Part 26

Daraja and Drakewing head to the watch house, and start discussing with the Captain Alph’s attack on him in the barrow. Daraja tells him what happened, with Drakewing trying to give a moderate voice of reason, and the Captain asks if Daraja is pressing charges, at which Daraja says he is. The Captain yells for his second, and starts to arrange things and asks for the remainder of the group to be apprehended on entrance to the city. Again, Drakewing tries to provide the voice of reason, but the Captain is too irate to listen much, and is very upset that one of his officers would have stuck a citizen. Daraja is told to find a lawyer and to call upon the priest of Pelor regarding the attack. They are told that Alph will be assigned council and the matter will go straight to trial.
Daraja asks for a word alone with the captain, and Drakewing leaves, but doesn’t really know what to do with himself, so loiters and eavesdrops a bit. Daraja tells the Captain that he knows that there has been an investigation into his past actions, as confirmed by Elo. the Captain is upset by her actions, but adds that she does that often, usually for the greater good. Daraja goes on to say that he is concerned about the Watch’s reputation given all that’s happened. The Captain says he appreciates Daraja’s concerns and assures him that things will come out as they must.

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