Music: One of four CDs from HMVs ‘The Greatest Jazz Collection’, an early xmas presie from Andy 

Word of the moment: Meep

My psycho is talking to me again. I thought it was something I had done, but it turns out he was just having a really shitty 2 days.

Umm.

Went shopping with Kitty yesterday. She obsesses way to much over presents, lol. Its funny. I also explained to her in words of one syllable what exactly I couldn’t eat but now she’s gone hyper protective over that. I can’t have chocolate, yes, but it ok for me to have ONE FREEKING M&M!!!! I mean, jeez girl! One FUCKING sweet is not going to cause instant death ok? I can take care of myself, so I’ll eat what the fuck I like. Grrr. Anyway, then after shopping we went to Andy’s house, hung out, watched The Mask, then she went on. Andy and I started discussing things and I’m not sure why, but I just broke down and started crying, It was awfully, it felt like my heart was breaking, that I was dyeing myself, but I know why I was crying now; It was over my Grandma. I haven’t cried really since the night she went, so I spent at least and hour clinging to Andy screaming and wailing and sobbing. He was really good about it though. I got home, and immediately wished I’d stayed. I really needed him. Meh, foolish me and my emotions.

Its seems I have an admirer on Spacfem. His handle is Scott W. He’s sent me a total of 4 messages, all really long and stuff, and has stated that he would like to get to know me better. Here is an expert from one of our convos:

Scott W: Im not sure why, but I just felt like saying hello to you, as you are one of my favourite posters here in Spacefem… Wow, sounds like I’m hitting on you.
Me: Err, yes it does actually. Why I am your fave? [Allow me some egotism please, I don't get to excersise it much]
Scott W: I place a lot of emphasis on how caring people are. I mean, I am a sarcastic ass a lot, especially when I am around friends and so forth, but if one of my friends needs me, they know I am here. And as far as things that I respect a lot, being caring and empathetic to people who need it is a beautiful thing. Plus you are always nice to the newbies, just like you were when Jim forced me to have a welcome thread. I don’t think I have seen you post something I didn’t like. Whether I completely agree is another point entirely , but I always enjoy reading your posts. And hell, there is nothing wrong with a little egotism once in awhile, and it certainly sounds like you are deserving of it right now, what with all the help you seem to have given to saber.
Me:Wow, that has to be one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. [Yes, I'm easily swayed by complements ]
Scott W.: Well you are welcome, and there are more where that compliment came from 

So, do you think it sounds as though he’s hitting on me or whatever. I thinks it wyrd… I’ve never really had any one do this to me. I wonder if, say we were in a school environment or something, would he even bother to look at me though in the 1st place? I think I’m ugly, so would he? I don’t know. Yeah this is where you all yell at me for being shallow or whatever.

I’m also pissed at myself because all my good ideas for plots and stuff have taken a flying leap out the window. There are some stories and such that I could work on, but I just don’t know where to take them. I started a piece called ‘Christmas on Europa’, But its sort of ground to a halt because I can’t think of anywhere to take it. Here’s what’s done so far:

It was 1700, 23rd of December, Terran Standard Time, and Asuka was not happy. She and her partner, Gurn, had landed on Europa to restock for their trip to the Mars colonies. But Gurn seemed to be taking forever about it, which was one of the reasons why Asuka was feeling tetchy. He had left her in a quaint pub just outside the docking compound, and this was the second reason for her unhappiness; the whole place stank of romanticised early 20th century. Dusty books from long dead novelists and farming implements from a forgotten era adorned fake oak panelled walls. The furniture consisted of leather sofas and chairs, and dark wooden tables. In fact, Asuka wouldn’t have been surprised if she saw someone with monocle and smoking jacket. The third thing that was making her irritable was the date. Some marketing whiz at MOW, the governmental corporation that controlled the Sol system, had come up with the bright idea of re-introducing some ancient earth holiday called ‘Christmas’. Asuka thought it sounded like a bunch of hogwash. How could millions of people want to celebrate one persons birthday. It was absurd. unfortunately Gurn had bought into the whole thing, and was insisting she go along too. She didn’t want to, but he had called her a ‘miser’ and a ‘humbug’, and had threatened to leave her on Europa if she didn’t shape up.

Wow, 900 words. A long entry for me. Not that anyone gives a flying fuck. Ciao.

☮&♥

Music: Enigma, Medieval Babes, Welsh Male Voice Choir

Well I just signed into 20six, and was presented with a string of German. WTF? And I got the same thing when I tried to write a new post. I used an on-line translator that told me it roughly said something to the effect of: ‘operation could not be concluded successfully. Please “to?ck” move in your browser “to? ck’

Meh. That’s beside the point. I want to whine.

I want to whine in a safe place that I don’t think is frequented by a certain phsyco. He’s really beginning to annoy me, as he doesn’t seem to want to help himself, and fool that I am, I still care. Ok, here’s the history lesson folks, listen carefully.

Corey is 17. He has Bi-polar, a mental disorder. Go here for an explanation. I don’t know the exact time frame, but 1st someone poisoned his rabbit, then the girl he was dating,Tracy, dumped him for another bloke who then attacked him. He then started datingSteph who then left because she said ‘I want to be single’. Corey then found out that she was dating a guy on-line. His good mate Kathy knew this, but didn’t tell him, to protect him.

I’ve known him for about a week, and in that time he has threatened suicide 3 times, all of which have thankfully failed. Now bearing in mind that this guy is 7 hours behind me, time-wise, and I’ve been doing this over MSN, I think that’s pretty darn impressive of me. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. Each time he does something, I start off calm, thinking, I shan’t let this get to me, and end up completely hysterical. Shaking, crying, the works. And then when its all over, he apologises, which I find odd. Is this odd?
The first time he [Corey] threatened suicide he said he had knives in himself, and he made me chose whether he lived or died, and then once I said live, he ordered me to chose numbers, which corresponded to the knives. I felt like he was playing with me, toying with me, but I was so trapped in my emotions I couldn’t escape.
Last night I was crying into my pillow, I was so exhausted by the recent attempt [he took 4 ibuprofen, and a bottle of vodka], and self-harming [nothing too bad, just clawing my arms]. I don’t know why I care so damn much. If I were religious, I might take this as a sign that I should help him, but I don’t know.

He’s not the first either. I’ve had 5 losers I’ve stuck up for in as many years, and one of them I’m dating [but he's ok].
But I feel his pain, I feel my heart breaking when he talks, I feel his anger and depression. I wish I weren’t so damn empathic, or such a goddamn fool for these types. I’m not exactly mentally stable myself. And I don’t understand why I have such an urge to save him, when he clearly doesn’t want to be saved. Why, why, why? Stupid, moronic, foolish me.

Gah. I know people look at the shit I write, so I would really appreciate comments and help on this. Its tiring me out mentally and emotionally, and just… Help.

☮&♥