Up at nine today, woot for me, but my god I felt awful. I ached all over, and had the worlds worse headache. Felt like I was hung over, but I had nothing alcoholic or caffinated yesterday. Heh, maybe it was the dream… My dreams tend to be very visual, and stimulating. Indeed I often feel pain in my dreams [i don't know how that works, but getting kicked and thrown on to concrete by an Oger hurts ok?]. Basically, at first I was running to a party with some guy chasing me, then I danced very hard, then I was in some sort of phycic testing facility and running around a lot, trying to save this pretty crystal. I escaped from there but then I was abducted by Pirates with whom I had a big fight with, and escaped only to be thrown into another bloody fight. And I did feel like I had been beaten up when I woke. Ugh. Had a couple of paricteimol, but I still feel like death warmed over.

Got told yesterday that ‘period encription’, the espionage story I was working on, needs a majour re-write as I didn’t do enough reserch. Maybe I should just pack that one in as a bad idea….

Bleh.

Please excuse me while I go crash again….

☮&♥

Heh, I don’t know if thats an actual greeting, but I don’t care. HAGGIS!! Wh00. Ahem. I’ve been really hyper latley as you can see, But i’m super happy now, becuse it Burn’s Night [day] and we are going to have haggis for lunch! I doubt we will do the whole ‘Address to the Haggis’ or singing Auld Langsine cuz none of us chan speak Scottish.

Ha! Caught you. You are looking at your screen thinking ‘What the hell has she been smoking? Err, Haggis = Animal, you =Vegan. Woun’t you, like, die or somthing?’ No! Becuase you can get vegan Haggis. They use the same spices and herbs, bbut use berl barly and veggies. The nice people at Somerfeild go out and catch them specially, cuz they only live in cirtain parts of Scotland.

There you go again with the staring at the screen and the ‘what has she been smoking’ look. But its true. Everyone knows that haggis are littler furrie animals that live in scotland. They make their burrows on the sides of mountains, and they have one leg shorter than the other, which means they can only go one way round said mountain, so to catch them you make them go the other way and they fall over and roll down the mountain. Its a good idea to have someone at the bottom waiting to bag it up.

You don’t belive me do you? Well its true. Just like the pasty poatchers the Cornwall, but I won’t go into that right now. But it really is true, take a look at this site if you don’t belive me.

Well, I’m off to enjoy Spud, Sweed and Haggis now, so adue all!!!

☮&♥

My brain is arguing with its self again; The right is being all emotional, and the left is telling the right to quit being so silly.

I had a little drink to day [cider seems to aggect me more than port] and we started talking about stuff on Spacefem chat. Bad stuff that I shouldn’t think or talk about when i’m under the influence. I don’t even know if i should be posting this.

I don’t kow why i’m so unhappy right now, and i feel worse becuse I hurt saber and I think i’m scared of being ignored or somthing, being missed, but then i think why should anyone miss me? Its not like I have any profound influence on any one. They would shrug their shoulders and carry on.

See, even now you are saying ‘pathetic little girl has self-confidence and self- esteem issues. why is she even alwod on the ‘net? stupid girl’ and you pss on. This is what my left brain is saying: ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself and buck up’ but my right is in agony but the left brain wont understand why, and is therefore not sympthetic. One of the questions I ask time and time again, is would any one care if I went over? would anyone miss me? Do I matter in the grad scheme of things? and of course the answer to all of those is no, but it still upsets me.

I don’t like giving my pain to others, eveyone else is involved with themselfs, I don’t like causing hassle, but somtime I need to talk and I can’t, so i talk on this but I don’t think I should, and right now i want to curl up in a corner and… I don’t know, cease to be!

Everything hurts so much, and reality is to much for me, and no one knows or will ever know becuse I will never tell and….

its not like any one would notice I wasn’t there… I’ll just fade away…….

Save: y/n?…. y/n?…… y/n? …Y/N?…. yes

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Mood: Bored, bored, bored, bored, BORED!!!!

I’m going INSANE without spacefem. Or my linux box. I can’t do ANYHTING! Except browse awful websites done by 10-13 yr olds who think its cool to squish their content into a tiny section of the screen and put the text in size 8pt. Gah! I would redesing my site, but I’ve conviently forgoten how to do CSS, I would write, but insparation has failed, I want to listen to music, but the network has conviently gone down, no one is online and I want to eat somthing, but I don’t know what.

Grumph.

Maybe I should call Andy and get the name of this rmp i need to be using to fix the x server, or maybe I should let him fix it. I hate fiddling with the insieds of my comp, cuz I’m scared of screwing up and accidently formating the harddrive. I should back-up more often I know.

*sigh*

I shall try the TV. It barly ever fails to hold mindless amusment…

☮&♥

Music: None
Mood: yo-yoing

Good:
This new story is getting interesting. After having MFS [a user at Spacefem] effectivly quash my story line [thou he doesn't really know it] with what happens in the ‘real world’, I’ve bounced back, and found a way round everything he said I couldn’t do, so Whee!

Bad. Very, very Bad:
Spacefem is down!!! OMG!!! It says the total bandwith has been exceded, and she’s said somewhere before that it is reset every month, *wines* so what am I supposed to dooo for the next *counts* 10 days? I am offically adicted to that [and advicenators.com] site! Whaaaaa!

Good, I think:
I have a telephone interview with the job center/ benifit people on friday at 2pm. Some one remind me please? They seem pretty sure I can get jobseekers allowance, and will help me find a job. Mum keeps complaning ‘why does a bright girl like you just wanna to packing?’ I don’t play well with others maybe? I like being alone with my thoughts? I’m scared of responibility? I almost had kittens over being offered moderatorship @ spacefem, thats how much of a pussy I am.

Bad:
My freaking linux box is playing silly bugers cuz there is somthing wrong with the X server. Andy told me how to implement this RMP that would fix it, but the RMP wasn’t in the drive it should have been in, and I have no clue what the damn thing was called, so I’m stuck in win2K right now. Bah. I miss mulitpul desktops, I miss mozilla [but I'm downloading it as I type] I miss popup-blockers. I miss my music as well. I can’t live stream from the server becuse according to windows ‘that network path does not exist’ and yet I can still acces the internet. Hum, odd that. I miss Open Office, particualy cuz it has a spell cheacker. I miss my backgrounds as well. I should go download some…

Good:
I got some new trousers! They are streach bootleg black denim jeans. They fit like a glove; Tight, but not so tight they are unattractive.

Bad, ish:
I saw some cool books in Ottackers today, ‘Reading Jazz’, £20.00, ‘The most compriensive colection of written works on or about jazz and its musicians’, and ‘Super Juices’, £9.00 [£2 off rrp], A collection of juicer recipies, nicely organised and presented. I think its super expesive cuz it’s written by two of the nations leading experts on complimentary and alterative medicin, and nutrion.
Why is this bad, ish? Because I promised myself I wouldn’t buy any more books untill I had read the four books I have going atm. Mum says wait and see what the easter bunny brings.

Possibly good or bad:
Damn, I write too much.

☮&♥

Music: Erasure
Mood: Merry

I have port. I’m happy.

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Music: British Anthems

Noodles are ummy. Sweetcorn is also ummy. Eating with chopsticks is fun [except for the hand aching part], but I want to know; How the hell does one eat sweetcorn with chosticks? What are you orientals hiding from us confuzled Westerners? Or do I need to stop using the crappy chopsticks nicked from the Chinese takeaway and get some more pointier ones?
*fantasises* then I can use them in my hair and become an unassuming assasin who kills evil men…..

While we’re about it, any one got any good meditation tips?

☮&♥

Music: Linkin Park and assorted rock tracks.
Phrase of the moment: I. Need. Coffee. NOW damnit!

Wow, once again, Time has slipped through my fingers, and I haven’t updated in almost a week. How remiss of me.

Well the first thing is this: Some fucker found my pic on a on-line game I use to play and has put some really hurtful comments on it. The offender is ‘Vagisil’ if you couldn’t guess. The worse thing is, I can’t login and yell at him, cuz I can’t remember my login details. I know I’m not a wallflower, but am I really that ugly? I use to have real self-confidence issues, and I’m still getting over them, and I know I shouldn’t be bothered by this, but it hurts, and makes me feel bad again. Stupid fucker has ruined my entire day now….

Umm, so what else has happened?

Well, I don’t think I got that job. The woman said she would call me to tell me aye or nay, but I haven’t heard anything. That’s really fucking annoying, cuz it was the perfect job as well.

On Friday went to Andy’s [], we messed around and watched The Majestic. Its a really cool film, and is set in 1951, which gives for some super frudy music. Basically its about a dude named Pete Appleton [played by Jim Carrey], a Hollywood script writer, who gets blacklisted by the Un-American Activities committee for going to some communist thingy to impress a girl. He then goes drinking, and has a car crash which wipes his memory and ends up in some small town called Lawson. Everyone hails him as Luke Trimble, who’s father owns the cinema ‘the majestic’. They then re-build the theatre, and show one of Pete’s films. He then remembers who he is, and the Feds come and get him, drag him before the committee, and he basically makes himself a hero [from gentle prodding from Luke's fiancée]. He is cleared, and then goes back to Lawson.

On Saturday, after having a minor argument that he is to busy for me, we went to see The Last Samurai. That is such a kick ass film . But it makes me wonder about the influence of East on West [and vice-versa]. We seem to be obsessed with adopting the others cultural mannerisms. Maybe it is just human curiosity. After all, what better way to learn of another culture than to completely immerse oneself in it? I have to say, I am guilty of this charge as well. At the moment all I seem to be able to eat is noodles and vegi stock. And I’m eating it with chopsticks. Really crappy ones from the Chinese takeaway, but chopsticks nonetheless. And I’m getting quite good. But as well as that, the religion of Japan, intrigues me. I have yet to work out exactly what it is, but I know it involves a form of Gaia Theory, and then you have the dragon lines, and the force of Chi, and Taoism. This ties very closely with what I myself believes. Also, the amount of mental and physical discipline that comes with a martial art. I crave that amount of motivation, and delicatenesses in myself.

Oh dear, I just noticed how long this is. I haven’t done anything else vaguely interesting, other than not being able to write well any longer. Ah well.

I will bid you adieu and quite boring you already 

☮&♥

Music: Film music

Phrase of the moment: Morrowind is cool!

My goddess! Doesn’t time fly when your having fun?

31^st Dec/ 1^st Jan: New years was pretty boring. After a few false starts I went to Andy’s to see the new year in. We sat about and did coupley [censored] stuff, then watchedEvolution. It was quite cool, funny. By that time it was 2359h so I switched on the TV in time to see the Eye go up in a bunch of pretty blue fireworks and hear them playing Auld Lang Syne on the bag pipes. I love the pipes. We then switched the TV off and we snuggled down into bed, said our ‘Happy New Years’ to each other and proceeded with some more [censored].

1^st Jan: Woke up at 0820h, lied in bed until 0920h, then got up cuz I mum was coming to get me at 10 so we could go for a walk. My family and the Sullivan’s always go for a walk on New Years day. I don’t know why, but we just do. This year we walked up the River Stour from the main bridge over it, to a pub called the Fox and Hounds then back through the town. It was 5 miles in all, and I was very cold and tired by the time we got home I just curled up under the duvet and slept for ages.

2^nd Jan: Cuz of the whole ‘January Sales’ thing, my folks took me shopping for a new duvet and pillows for Andy’s bed [his is the double]. I think he’s had them for about 15 years and they are all limp and stained and I think have been making me ill, so I insisted on having them changed. We took them to his house and he gave me a late Christmas pressie: The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. It was a pretty bloody stupid thing to do cuz I haven’t stopped playing it since. Also on Friday I went to see LOTR: Return of the king. We got the last four seats in the house, at the very right and front. Consequently Lord Elrond had this permanent raised eyebrow, that did nothing to stop him looking like Agent Smith. It was a good film, it had me crying when the King of Rowenda[?] died and Froddo left cuz of memories of my Grandmother. I also loved the few songs that Pippin and Merry sing.

3^rd – 5^th Jan: Played Morrowind. Yes, 2 and a half days straight that was it. I think I am mildly addicted. The only think that slightly pisses me off is the mouse control, its very laggy, but i know that’s my hardware not being good enough, not the game. Also today I applied for a job packing polystyrene onto cartons, and I have my interview tomorrow. Wish me luck 

Oh, another interesting thing; while we were at the cinema, I was waiting by myself whilst everyone went to the loo, and I started singing ‘Voices’ from Macross Plus, and some random guy sat down nest to me and said ‘I know that tune, what’s it from?’ And I said, ‘Macross Plus. Its an animé.’ And he said ‘Ah, don’t stop please you sing it well.’ So I started singing again, but he wandered off….

For the record, my resolutions:

1. Have at least one fruit smoothie a day
2. Try to lose weight, get diet sorted out, don’t be naughty and eat thing I shouldn’t and don’t bitch to much about what I have to eat and when I am ill from eating something I knew perfectly well I shouldn’t have eaten.
3. Get a Job [that one is almost checked]. Keep job.
4. Don’t leave ICS course to rot in corner of room

I think that’s about it. I hope you all had a nice New Years and didn’t get too drunk . Ciao!

☮&♥