I feel very odd right now, I’m quite tired, having chills a little, despite being wrapped up in my pashmina and huddling next to my comp.
I’ve just finished watching Firefly, and I’m really missing Andy and Alex and Kat right now. I love them all very much, the key players in my life, despite the fact that Alex managed to gain me overnight. Maybe it’s cuz I’m homealone right now, but I doubt – it the show is infectious.
I was having doubts about Andy and I, the whole getting married thing, but I realised, I love him so very much, it makes me want to cry [she said as the keyboard dissapred in a blur of tears]. And as for the other two, what I have with kat is like the deepest love that two straight girls can have for each other, and it’s so very nice. Alex, now Alex is an enigma smotherd in chocolate wrapped in a mans body. I haven’t know him for very long and already I trust him implicitly, and that is a phenominal thing for me [either that, or I'm loosing my touch]. Maybe it’s cuz he’s that much older than me, presents me with another brother.
I realised that I never tell these people how mcuh they mean to me, and thats bad. I belive that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and it would pain me so much if I went without them ever know how much I care. Oh and Dan, I forgot Dan *slaps forhead*. Silent, slightly awkward, looks damn good in a suit: Dan, and so very gentlemanly.
Ya know, its funny, but if I concentrate hard enough, I can pull their presences to me – the unique way they feel, smell sense, the same way I can pull a smell to me. *shuts her eyes* Rosmary and Lavender, and 5 very happy people all sitting in the sun; It’s bliss.

If any of you are reading this, I want you to know, I love you all very much, and I promise that if you never leave me, then I will never leave you. Not untill we’re a hundred, and all is said and done.

Love and kisses.

☮&♥

What’s wrong with you Asuka? She muttered angrily to herself, angry with herself. The man was trying to help you, giving you compliments, and you re-payed him by shouting at him, by breaking your own heart and by trying to save face with a self sacrifice that wouldn’t have fooled a deaf and dumb retarded child. You imbecile! What in the galaxy is wrong with you?
Wait, you already know the answer to that one. You like him, you want him to save you from yourself. You don’t want her to have him. Thats why you put up the cynical face, the angry face, the face that pretends it doesn’t care, when in reality it desperately wants to be saved.

“Shut up!” She cried aloud, tears trickling down her face, scaring and scattering a few seagulls up already. A few fishermen back from the night’s trawling gave her a cursory glance, assuming she was drunk. Well, you’d like to be. Drown yourself in drink as always. It never works though does it, and you’ll have to walk back in shame-faced as always, and see him there looking concerned, and then everything will start back up. Such a vicious cycle. Tisk.

She stumbled and fell next to a pile of lobster pots and nets, the reek of decayed fish strong in her senses. She staggered upright, her black coat smeared with sea-slime. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” she growled pleadingly at the empty air. Because you don’t want me too…“Thats not true!” She yelled at the blank faces of the buildings. On the ground she spotted a knife. “I don’t want you, I never wanted you!” You made me, how could you not want me? You are me. “I am not you. They say I’m good, I’m nice…” But you don’t want to believe it… “I do! I will! I’ll send you away.” You can’t. You don’t have the balls… “I do! I’ll make you go away!” Asuka slashed at her arms. “Go a way!” She screamed, blood trickling down her arms and over her clothes. “GO A WAY!” But she was only answered with mocking laughter from inside her head…

I am the biggest [insert degrading word or phrase] in the world. And I don’t have schizophrenia. Not yet any way. Though I do want to do something some harm…
Sorry ‘Lex

☮&♥

The days I spent at ‘Lex’s are all rather rolled into one, but I think I can separate them.

Tues 17^th Spent most of the day wandering ’round Margate, met up with some of ‘Lex’s work mates and went to the pub with them for lunch. That evening was fun: We played various drinking games, got very very drunk and danced in his living room. Other than that I don’t remember much.

Wed 18^th Spent the day getting turned on and turning on. I.e. I was being taught the pleasure and pain pressure points, and I learnt a little bit of massage. There was a thunderstorm in the evening, and I sat and played with the plasma ball throughout while Kat and Alex got very… close. I think I left them to it about 2am

Thurs 19^th We started getting ready to go home. Thursday morning was very odd, I walked into the lounge [were Lex had been sleeping] to say good morning, sat down on the sofa and it was as though someone had flipped a switch: I was so incredibly horny. I’m very glad he decided to be restrained as I’m pretty sure that had he touched me in the slightest way, I would have pounced on him, kissed him and not given him any choice in the matter. That scares me quite a bit. What also scares me is that I might have liked it. I know Andy says he doesn’t mind what I do as long as I tell him, but I feel like I would have been betraying myself as well as him. Anyway…
We Decided against going home the way we came and opted for the motorway instead. Left around 1430h, with lots of hugs and very mixed feelings for me – I felt like I might cry or something. It was almost as though I had just gotten use to being around him and then it was all being taken away. We actually made quite good time, despite the fact that I managed to get us lost before we had even left Kent and we got held up on the M25 for what seemed like forever. We stopped at Fleet services [half way between London and Southampton on the M3] for about an hour and a half and exchanged some funny texts with Alex [I must be a walking pheromone bomb – all the girls I walk past keep looking at me] as well as a slightly sad one [both your scents are still very strong in my house, and it's making me miss you].
We got back to mine around 8ish and Kat opted to stay over the night, rather than go home.

Fri 20^th Had Kat drive me to the doctors in the morning and we wandered around Poole afterwards before going back to Andy’s. Needless to say he was pleased to see me, and eager to find out all about my new ‘powers’. Kat stayed for a while before going on, and almost as soon as she left I fell fast asleep. Andy let me sleep for an hour or so before waking me up and feeding me.

Sat 21^st This day is blanked from my memory, probably means I didn’t do much.

Sun 22^nd Parents took me on the bike to the Purbeck rally and auto-jumble, our near Wareham. It was a nice day out, I got a little sun-stroked and ended up being very drowsy and chilled. But I got a plac! Usually they only give them to the bike and not the people [if that makes sense] so I was a bit surprised to get one since I’m a pillion. But I did and it’s cool

Mon 23^rd Kat came over in the evening ‘to get very drunk’. We walked down to TESCO and I got a 70cl bottle of Smirnoff Ice [which lasted me 1½ pints. Bah] and Kat got a 4-pack of Orange Reefs. Halfway through us talking Owen came in and ‘gate crashed’, but it was cool. He got some of his poetry and songs out and we talked until the wee small hours.

Tues 24^th Kat had had really bad cramps during the night and was feeling very light headed, so slept most of the day while I chatted to Alex about her on-line. Then she left some time before 1800 ish, and at 1930ish I left for DnD.
DnD this week was funny. I might have just signed our death-warrants. Basically we [I] blagged our way through an enemy encampment, to find a cleric, and then we [against my wishes] went down another floor to where there was a known monster. I see the monster, it sees me, I’m in shock and can’t move and everyone else hides whilst its approaches me, and hands me a finger from a corpse. Turns out the guy who ‘owns’ the encampment had been trying to make golems, but they have the intelligence of toddler. So I [a 3'4" halfling] end up unwittingly adopting this golem [all 10' of him], and we [he] smashes the way back. We leave him at the bottom of the stairs to the last floor and go into find the boss sat very nonchalantly writing a letter. He asks what we want and I say ‘to kill you’ and he laughs and says ‘I don’t think so’ and I ask ‘Why is he so sure?’ and we left it hanging with him rapping three times on the desk. I think I may have killed us all, unintentional, by just being me. Ah well, shit happens.

Wed 25^th I had stayed round Andy’s with the intention of going to ChipToxic’s house to help he and Andy on the documentation for their work exp project. What actually happened was him letting me sleep until 12, then we didn’t get up until 1330, then we watched three episodes of The Lone Gunmen, then we accidentally fell asleep until 8 and I decided to go home.

Today I have been trying to work on my website with a Content Management System Andy made for me. Only I’ve broken it. Cuz I’m just that clever. Bah.

And there we have it: My life to date. And if you read all of that, I’m very impressed

☮&♥

Wow, I’ve been so busy, I still haven’t told y’all what I did almost two weeks ago. Well, here we go!

The 11^th was Sarah’s birthday, but we went out on the 12^th as nothing was doing. We went to the Dorset Beer Festival at the Banks Arms Hotel in Studland and got quite wasted. There was a brilliant band, Lady Winwood’s Maggot described as folk rock funk you can bounce to, and between us, Sarah and I managed to get through 4 pints of random beers, ciders and a perry all with varying degrees of % vol. I discovered three things that night: 1] that its not a good idea to mosh when there is the potential for loss of bladder control, 2] that you care less about things when you are very drunk, like said mild leakage, and 3] that sometimes car journeys when drunk can be fun [see here for the not fun one.]

Monday 16^th kat and I set off to see one of her Uni mates Alex [who might henceforth be known as 'Lex]. Alex lives in Margate, a trip of 182 miles here to there. In a little red Fiat Cinquecento. With the gods against us. I think this one goes in the book of The Adventures of Dru and Kitty.
It took us 10 hours to get there, with every possibly set back imaginable: We caught all traffic lights, all road works; we broke down and the repair man didn’t come for 1¾h; we were held up by two unplanned geographical misplacements, a train crossing, a tractor, heavy plant machinery; we were passed on a hill by a caravan and a double decker bus, and to top it off a duck waddled in front of the car.
Needless to say, by the time we eventually found ‘Lex’s place we both needed very very stiff drinks.

Okay, well I’m very tired so I will finish What Happened at Alex’s tomorrow. Stay tuned folks!

☮&♥

how much hassle this whole wedding thing is going to be. You know why it’s all starting to hit me? Cuz of this thread. All these girls have their weddings planned down to the finest detail, and none of them are like me, facing the prospect of actually having to go through with the whole thing.

Oh dear gods, what have I let myself in for?

Damn you Le_p for starting that thread!

And I think the worst thing is, the very act of me now thinking about details and shit, means that I can’t ignore the fact that it will actually happen some time.

I am very very scared right now….

☮&♥