Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

I went to the SW classic bike show today. It was okay, I guess. I know it was bigger than last year [they had 5 halls instead of 4 and loads of stuff outside, but some how, it seemed emptier. I think it might have something to do with my Dad’s mate. Usually when I go to these things, it’s really interesting cuz Dad and I will talk about the bikes: how shiny they are, what this bit of jargon means, history etc. It makes the day fun and interesting.

This time, he was so involved talking to his mate that I wandered off on my own, just giving the shinies cursory glances. I know I should be happy that my father is, how shall I put this, preparing for the day I won’t be around so much, but, it feels like I’m loosing something. I love my Daddy very much, and these things where allways half daddy-daughter days. But It kinda feels like I’m being gently pushed aside and he’s already replacing me.

I must also be really tired, tireder than I realised – I’m crying a bit as I write this.

But the bikes were nice and usual, and it even snowed, but it still feels like it was a reather empty day.

On the other side, it’s Valentine’s day tomorrow, and I’m still holding out hope that Andy and I will do something nice. He did IM me earlier to ask what my plans for tomorrow are, I told him nothing, and he asked me over. I know I shall probably disapointed, but because I know he’s capable of it, it would be nice to get there and find he’s got something sweet planned.

Happy Valentine’s all *kisses*

☮&♥

I’m tired. My eyes burn.

That is all.

☮&♥

I’m surrounded by such creativity, such insparation, and yet, like a lover who is on the cusp of climax, I can’t seem to let my creative juices flow forth. It’s truly flustrating; makes me want to cry and cry. I feel like something is stuck in me, something is wrapped around me, preventing me from doing what I love most. I feel like a fish without water – I can’t breath, an anorexic without someplace the hurl. I feel sick, like a sailor to long at sea – hunger clawing at my stomach.

I don’t know what its blocking me, what’s holding me back. Perhaps the pressure of my passion is too great, the pressure to perform to much. I wish I could lift this thing that blocks me – it hurts. I’m trapped and caged by an invisible box; I have nothing to strike at.

Is it possible for someone to help me? A tiny plea in the dark, yet someone must hear me. I’m struggling, really struggling, but I cannot breath.

I’m dying like this, but… I don’t want to die, lost in the grey of mundainity. Don’t let me die.

Help me…

Please…….?

☮&♥

So, I’m stressing over this assingment thing. I’m sure you’ve all gathered that by now. So Andy rang me last night cuz he was at Luke’s, but bored, and I told him I was stressing, and he says ‘Relax, you’re pushing yourself too much. You’re not going to get anywhere like this.’ I am relaxed! I’ve done nothing all day, I tell him in an oh-so-not-relaxed voice.

So today, I need to do something to take my mind of it. What am I doing? Cleaning my room.

I’m getting far to predictable.

[Oh and I know that blogging about the issue is counter productive, but meh *shrugs*]

☮&♥