I really wish someone would tell me when I’m too fat, bad at GMing, not funny, not interesting and when they are tired of me.
Beacuse I realised last night at DnD that I am all those things. Somehow I’ve put on weight. Somehow I can’t seem to get to bed at a decent time [it's already 2230 and I still need to shower]. Anything I say is met by blank stares. If I try to tell a joke, all I get is a few titters. I obviously can’t keep my DnD group involved in my admitedly sketcky RPG wich means I am a bad GM, and I just get the impresion that my current group of mates is getting extreemly tired of me. I feel like they are all so close and stuff and that I’m the outsider. Like I’m a third wheel [in effect]. I feel like someone’s kid sister trying to look cool and join in with her older sibling’s mates. Worse, I feel like they only tolerate me beacuse I’m Andy’s other half. and even he seems to find my presence wearing.
I think… I think I’m turning into a Luke.
It’s times like these when I wish someone would just tell me to go the hell away. It’s also times like these when I feel that there is something about me that instantly puts people off me; makes them want to avoid me at all possible times and run away when I approch them.
A long time ago, Andy told me that there is some internal conflict I have, something about my confiden self struggling to stop being repressed by my more modest self, that people can sense about me. It puts them off beacuse they think I’m a time-bomb, but not that kind with the handy count-down timer on the top, or the exposed wires. Also, he said, that they never know what to say or do around me for fear that it might set me off, cut the wrong wire, if you like.
I think his explanation sounds reasnobal, but I just don’t feel this conflict within myself, so how can I stop it?
Maybe, I should just avoid people for a while…
This would be why I loose at life.
☮&♥
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