[Can't seem to edit posts....Hum. Figure it out later...]
I forgot to mention, Andy and Alex, you’ll have to validate your e-mails when you next login here. It’s a spam feature I suppose of the updated system.
☮&♥
Gah! Part 2
Comments Off
I sleep too little
and thus I think and dream too much. And I hate it. I really do.
Like the warm, wet, anaerobic conditions of stagnate ponds are the prfect place for bugs and other bacterium to fester, so too is a tired, emotional mind the perfect place for bad thoughts to breed and grown and populate and fester.
I’ve been thinking a lot on my childhood lately, something up till now I hated and hid and forgot and represed at almost every oppertunity. I listened for 3 nights to Crace tell me about what his childhood was like. I’ve listened longer to Andy and Ryan and Kat. I’ve even listened to other’s tell their childhood stories, but to my recollection, I’ve only ever given enough of my self to have them carry on talking. I know from listening that my childhood wasn’t as eventful, hard or hurtful as other peoples, but it’s still something up till now I’ve felt comfortable sharing.
Even kat doesn’t know the worst of me. Even andy doesn’t know most of that self same worst. And I want to stop hiding it, to be free of that fear of this thing in my past. But, it’s never that easy. Partly it’s hard beacuse… it just is. To give up the most deepest darkest part of me for extrenal analysis can’t be easy for anyone. but the second reason is the worst: I can hardly remember it. All I have are mixed and confused images and feelings and events. So to offer up this said deepest darkest part of myself, with only these – it seems unfair. I could say outright the overall theme, but I don’t have at my disposal the … reasons, if you like, to tell the whole tale, to explain why what happened happened [even if I knew them in the first place].
Maybe it’s this deepest darkest moment that prevents me from sharing… Maybe I’m just not the sharing type. I know I sure as hell don’t ever talk so much about stuff that matters. I can argue for hours what the best Treck was, but I never talk about me, or who I am or existential truths or anything like that. Not to the same degree at least. Maybe I’m too polite. I start to tell someone something about me, and they cut in to share, so I shut up, and I spend the rest of the convorsation listening and saying ‘uh hu’ and nodding a lot.
So, when am I going to start letting people in? When can I get rid of this fear of myself? When is it my turn to talk?
EDIT: Heh, had half thoughts of deleleting most of this and just putting ‘I suck’, but then that would be counter intuitive to and proving the point….
☮&♥
