Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

Ugh, I am now in such an odd mood; I stayed up talking to Alex and spacefem people untill 0100ish, and I’ve had the most desturbing dreams, so now I’m just so tired and have such a fuzzy head.

Basically, I dreampt that it was my birthday and somehow everyone had squeazed into my room to have it [my room is only slightly larger than a sing bed width ways, and as long as 1 and a thrid of said single bed]. But I remember my Nan and Grandad where there. I’m taking that to mean that they have found each other in the spirt world and are happy.

Then I was in my room playing on the comp and this dick in an armoured vehicle just drove straight through our house!. We were standing on the front lawn yelling and screaming at him, but all the barsted did was flick his hand at us and some solgers were holding us back from the wreakacge. Now someone tell me what the hell that bit means!

Then for some reason I was on the bus coming back from somewhere and I missed my stop cuz I was so depressed at my hose and garden being raized, so I had to stop in broadstone, and walk abck and there I met Amy and woody [amy was sympthaetic] then broadstone turned into bournemouth and I met jade and dan who laughed at my plight, and kat who, whilst being consoling, was slightly distracted by guys or something [she was in clubbing get up].

I know some dreams are just dreams, but others are for working things out, so any one gat any clue what my dream means? It’s made me feel so odd this morning now I wake up, like it really happened and I’m living in someone else’s house.

*is so tired that is considering going back to bed* Dreams suck

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My disturbing dreams seem to come in bouts, how odd….

This morning’s disturbing dream was mainly disturbing becsue I was me [my age ect] and I was pregant, and I’d almost gone full term.

It started out I was having a home birth in some skanky appartment, with Mary [Andy's mum] and Hidie [Andy's mum's chapaham-girl friend] and all her kids running around. Andy was there but he kept trying to run away and not be there for me, despite me screaming blue murder at him to stay with me.

It then occured to me that I’d never had a check up, and I was paying for the NSH, so why wasn’t I goddamn using it? So despite everyones protestations I got up and was suddenly by Poole hospital. I was with my mum and dad, and Andy and O’Neill and Carter [though she kept morphing into Kitty] from SG1 [no I don't know why either] and I was trying to go into the hospital to have this damn kid, but everyone kept running off, and I had to fetch them back. This is not a nice thing for a pregant person to do, let alone [uber-sensitive] me. Anyway, we finally got eveyone into the hospital, only it looked mre like a hotel, and I was told Andy and I weren’t alowed our sword [No I don't know why I had one, but it looked like the Green Desitiny from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon]. Well I wasn’t having the kid if I couldn’t have my sword, so O’Neill offered to hold it for me. Things are a little hazzy then, but I know there was somthing about some kind of secret Nija Sitting room, and Andy got into trouble for going in there.

It was really annoying, how he kept wandering off, especially when I really needed him. And it was also strange how I didn’t really feel like I was pregant [as in I could run and stuff], but when I looked down, my stomach was pertruding slightly.

Andy: If you ever do to me what to did in this dream, I’m going to hate you forever.

I’m not going to tell about yesterdays dream, cuz it’s so disturbing, I’ve only told one person…

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I had a peculiar dream this morning; I literally walked out of my life and moved to a dojo to become a samurai. As well as that, the Master recognised that I had strange ancient Britannic powers. It was a good life. Even thought there were other students it was quite, and I learnt a lot about self discipline. Best of all I got my own sword, coincidently, very much like The Bride’s in Kill Bill.

In wondering what it meant, I went to a dream dictionary and searched for key words. Some of them make little to no sense.
Samurai: Seeing or dreaming that you are a samurai, symbolizes honour and duty. You need to work on your issues with commitment. WTF? I’m sure that isn’t right.
Power: Dreaming that you have power indicates your growing confidence, high self-esteem and increasing skills. That’s possible
Superhero: Dreaming that you are a superhero indicates your above-average talents, ideas, and abilities you may not realized you possessed. That’s also posssible.
Sword: Dreaming that you are wielding a sword, represents your ambition, competitive nature decisiveness and will power.. You seek to hold a position of prestige, authority, and distinction. Alternatively, the sword can be seen as a phallic symbol and thus represent masculine power. A phallic symbol? I don’t think so.
Peace: Dreaming of peace and tranquility indicates an end or a resolution to an emotional issue or inner conflict. It may signal and end of a cycle and the pause before the beginning of a new endeavor. It also suggest that you have reached a new level of stability and calmness.

So what did it mean? Well according to what I found, I have possibly resolved an internal emotional issue and discovered new talents in mysef and because of that I’m becoming more confident. Because I’m becoming more confident in my new abilities, I wish to wield a better position than I do, but I still have commitment issues. Is it right? Well, it does sound like it could be right, thinking back to some of the stuff Andy and I talked about on new years day, but I’m still not sure why dreaming about being a Samurai means I have commitment issues.

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That’s right, ‘Guh’. I feel really shit now after actually getting sleep, and I’ve discovered a draw back to Relentless – It gives me nightmares. The other weekend, when Kat was down, I had a shit load and dreamt that I was like Edward Sissorhands, only I had long rusty wood nails and ever time I touched anyone they would get these huge cuts on them and everyone bled to death and all the blood turned to roses which hurt me and I was all alone beacuse I killed eeryone. Then I woke up screaming and it took Andy ages to calm me down.

Last night I dreamt that Andy and I where in our fourties and we had two beatuiful girls and kat was coming to visit. The door bell rang and the girls ran to the door really excited, ‘Aunty Katy’s here! Aunty Katy’s here!’. Andy answered it and the girls where very crowding so he sent them to the kitchen to help me make tea for everyone while he took her bags and showed her to the living room and stuff.
He was getting her settled when I heard him say ‘Kat, are you alright? You look a little pale.’ And I went to like this alcove thing where the kitchen went into the lounge and she said, ‘No. I’m not. I have Ovarian cancer.’ And I just burst into tears at her feet and as I was coming round I heard one of my little girls say, ‘Daddy, why is Mummy crying like that?’ and I woke up crying and I couldn’t seem to stop and I just kept saying to Andy, ‘Please tell me it was a dream’

The wyrd thing is, both these dreams felt like they were real long after I’d woken up and was being comforted, so now I feel like shit beacuse despite getting a lot of sleep now [after staying up over 24 hours] I was dreaming the whole time.

Yeah, so ‘Guh’ indeed

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I can’t remember the last time I had a string of bad dreams. Well you could include the relentless fulled ones, but I haven’t had any in a while like these.
The first some something to do with the apocolyps – lots of scary monsters and supernatural doings, the second was the scariest – Stephen Fry was trying to rape me, so I ran into his bathroom and stuck a pair of nail clippers in my stomach [when they say you don't feel pain in your sleep - they lie], and for some reason my blood was metalic green. Anyway, I opened the tiny bathroom window and wrote in blood on the outside wall ‘Help’. I don’t remember how I got out, but then I was in a room full of everyone I care out and my mum and I couldn’t tell everyone what happened beacuse my mum was there, and then when I woke up I actually checked my stomach for the hole. then I kind of dozed off again and had a string of other bad dreams, but I don’t remember much of them, except I was at some event and I went to get drinks for people only all the names were in japanise and I couldn’t remember what everyone had ordered, so finally when I got the drinks I haned over a twenty pound note and got sugar back in change.
And now I just feel like crap – I’m shaky, nausious and I have a headache, and I don’t want to talk to anyone and I don’t know what to do with myself

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So, this dream started out with me running. I was in an unknown city, I was terrified of whomever was chasing me. The city was build sort of on a really tall hill and had all these sub-walk ways going in the middle of it. Anyway, I was running down these alleys, trying to run from these people, and towards the town center to find people I might trust. They almost caught up with me at one point, but I dived into a hair salon and sat in a chair with a magazine up over my face. One of the salon girls just assumed I was next and orderd another to cut my hair. Just then, the people who where chasing me went past and I slunk down lower in the chair and put the magazine up higher. I’m not sure what happened after that, but the girl who was cutting my hair beacme one of my allies or something. She cut and dyed my hair even though I had no money and had told her so, so I wouldn’t be spotted.

Then the next bit I recall was that there was some festival/ parade thing in honor of a queen that looked like Victoria [as in, the historical one]. then things start getting a little squiffy and forgotten. For some reason the people who where chasing me were back again and I’d found another allie, and for some other reason, in the place where the festival was being held there was a huge factory, so me and the hair dresser and this other guy go and check it out and there’s this bloke with three of my necklace pendants [I think he appered earlier in the dream with the pendant of my fish necklace, asking who's it was but I kept quiet]. He had my fish one again, another one that I don’t recall and my sundial one, but it didn’t look so much like the sundial as the myan calendar or the gold from PotC 1. When I asked him why he had them, he said something about ‘and ye shall know her by these symbols’ which made me scared so I ran away, but he chased me and told me that the queen wanted me, not beacuse I was special as I belived, but beacuse I had these and I was something to do with her and the people chasing me was my brother or something.

So, I basically found out that everything I’d ever thought about myself was this huge lie and I wasn’t at all who I thought I was.

The rest of the dreams is a bit fragmented – the festival was over and I was walking through empty crisp packets and party streamers – I was looking at these life size [but chibi-fied] plastic cartoon model things one was of a cowboy, the other a native indian girl, and my brother coming up to talk to be, but I brushed him off and walked away – something about a squirril jumping over a canal and landing on my shoulder, sticking it’s paw in my ear from the awckward landing and appologising for it – something about Jonno Bacon [from LUG radio] and his wife putting me up for the night in his very diy disaster zone house – He had a toilet that on the second time you used it, the flush edjected out the back of the cistern and was in the middle of his living room [apparently this is funny]

[hate dreams]

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A couple this time, most of them pretty disturbing. I don’t know if I’m remembering them in he right order though…

1. I had gone back to school, 6th form whatever. My biggest problems where getting a job in my free periods so that I could still do everything. I think we must have been doing physics of maths of something, beacuse we were learning about tragetory. So the teacher handed a loaded gun to the kid sat in front of me and asked him to explain trajectory. He looked at for a while before blowing his brains out.

2. I was stood in the kitchen, in the ‘at ease’ position, with Crace stood in front of me. I asked him weather he was rady to hit me yet and he said no. I noticed he had the vegtable kife in his hand. Then suddenly he stabbed me in the shoulder with it. I asked him if he felt better, and he said yes and went to call an amubulance.

3. I don’t know why, but I was moving house. Just me, no andy. I was going to move to somewhere around London Bridge. A few people were concerned that I wasn’t going o be able to find a job or a home or anything, but I said that I had freinds up there [meaning Alex and Kelly]. Every one seemed sad to see me go, but there was no wailing and gnashing of teeth. Not even from Andy. Though stargngly, the only ones who actually featured in this dream, were Andy and Crace.

4, 5 and 6 seem pretty muddled together. It was something to do with a VR simulation [maybe] that made me like a power puff girl or something and we had to choose a place to save by attaching pannels under things to gether natural resources. There was something about a bird too…
Then the sim ended and I was in some rich guy’s house at London Bridge. Only some rich guy [who looked like Eddie Izzard in Mystery Men] was my father or something and it was my brithday or somesuch, so he gave me this box of really expensive chocolates and sweets aand told me I could ride back home in his limo. So I go outside and there is a convertable limo stood outside, but there’s some guy stood on top, as in stradling the hole and standing on the window frames. So I ride with him like this too. Then… I don’t know…
I’m running though something that could have been Borough Market with theguy from before. I have different clothes on, a long bright orange skirt that people keep treading on. There are lots of stuff, from mystical shinies to cooking pots. I don’t know quite who or what we’re running from but this man seems to know what he’s doing so I trust him. We reach the end of the market and there are these girls modeling stuff. He throws some money on the counter and grabbs the hand on one of the girls. She looks like River/ Summer Glau for some reason… We all run outside the market. I don’t know whether we’re rescuing her or stealing her or what… There is a bang behind us and I look, but before I see… I wake up

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Yes, i’m late but I was busy yesterday…

Valentines was imensly boring. TESCO was sold out of sushi, so I didn’t get that, and I completly forgot about looking for the starwberrys, and andy didn’t like any of the non-alchoholic bubbly. So I just had some noodles [that I had to make myself] and we watched alien hunter which I really enjoyed, and then 28 days later, which was fine untill it got to the bit where the evil army guy where going to rape Hanna and Selena. Even after it ended, I was still thinking about that bit – rape is somthing that completly terrifies me.

So there yoou have it. no candles, no nice food, not even two cool films, but it mean I got to spend more time with andy which is always cool.

Owen has a new car, btw, a red peugeot estate, so I called him to see if he wanted to give it a drive out to andys and pick me up. its quite nice, but really needs a clean, and the child locks being taken off.

Hope you all had a fun valentines

Ciao!

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And they brought pressies Clicky here for a description!

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