Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

Music: very random [Start, Prodigy – Minefields. Finish, some jazzy number]

Mood: Yeah, ok.

I finally decided to go on Friday to Luke’s thing, and I guess it wasn’t too bad. I spent most of the evening on what turned out to be the Geek/So-not-law-abiding side of the table, talking mostly to Dan, Monkey [two of the sweetest guys evAr. Who says gays have the monopoly on being sweet, kind and sensitive?], Gary [who put his fag out only after I threatened to pour beer over his head, but is sort of cool] and occasionally Ry [who, thanks to growing his hair out then tyeing it back, has a new nickname of 'Russel' after Russel Crow in his latest film Master and Commander. This also lead to many ship/ pirate/ Navy infested jokes and puns. Although the first thing I said to him one I had done the obligatory 'tug the ponytail' was 'Damn! You need to get your ends trimmed, they're a mess!']. C and her sister Teressa where there as well, but I don’t like Teressa that much, so I didn’t get to talk to C much. I think its sad that C now seems to have to take Teressa out with her everywhere [bear in mind that Teressa is 3/2 years older than C and has kids, but separated from her husband last year sometime]. Woody and Amy were also there [much to my disgust on the formers part; never really liked Woody, and I use to take great pleasure in teasing him at school].

Halfway through the evening some random guy mate of C’s turned up. C: *rubbing her arms* Me: are you ok? C: yeah just been outside. Me: why? C: to see someone. Me: who? Why don’t you invite them inside? C: I don’t think Luke likes him. Me: *thinks its Ross and prepares to grab a bottle and smash it over his head* Is it the Dickweed? C: who? Oh! no. Dan [who incidentally never drinks and has had a bud and a Smirnoff ice]: Who Ross? Me: *evil glare*

-little time later, said mate has come in-

Me: so who is he? Steve’s brother? C: no. Different. Me: Another one! *tongue in cheek* C: My side of the table goes deadly quiet and all eyes turn to me. Everyone: What do you mean, another one? Me: Err….]

We eventually got thrown out about a half hour after closing time. The bouncers looked slightly relived to see us go, though we never caused any trouble, we just took ages to do stuff. I quite like it at Weatherspoons. I think it aught to be our Local, because its very centralised, quiet, and has good beer. We then decided that people wanted food so we walked down the high street to the road that marks where the old town starts and people who wanted had food, and the rest of us talked about the next move. The rest of them decided they were going to go to Jumping Jacks, a crappy nightclub in Bournemouth. We parted with the obligatory *hug* ‘Call me, text me, e-mail me! Damnit, just contact me!’ Thats one thing that pees me off about being here, its all fucking townies and there is no where that plays rock on a regular basis. One day when we have loads of money, Andy and I are going to start up a LAN gaming center, that plays rock music and sells alcohol. Dan, Monkey and I decided we wanted our beds and walked back to the taxi rank right at the other end of the high street. On the way we had an interesting conversation about how sweet and gentlemanly Geeks are and why neither of them are getting any, spurred by my observations on why they weren’t going to let me pay for the taxi and the fact that they wouldn’t let me walk down Princess Road by myself. But that last one I was glad about as I wouldn’t feel safe even if I had several knives, grenades and handguns, at least two sub-machine guns and a personal rocket launcher and it was the middle of the day. The taxi ended up being £9.55 cuz it was after midnight. We got to Andy’s, Dan and Monkey disappeared, and Andy and I got some shut eye. I was hoping to get something else but I was too tired. ‘Flesh is willing, but the spirit is weak’ as they say.

Saturday I didn’t get up until 1200, we then went round to James’ with Luke, so they could all work. They procrastinated for about an hour before we headed down to the One Stop for lunch. They didn’t really start work until 1400 but then worked fairly solidly until 1830h. Whilst they worked I nicked Luke’s second laptop and started to work on the L33t Squad story. I’m not sure how useful it would be, but having a laptop appeals to me. After it got to 1830h James’ dad came in and asked us to adjourn upstairs which we duly did and then watched a camera rip of Big Fish [a very sad story]. That ended at 2130ish and I called mum to come and get me. We prated around until she got there. Andy told me today he didn’t get home until 0300, but then I can’t shout cuz I didn’t sleep until the same. I got in at 2300 and decided I was hungry [after all the last time I ate was 1400ish], but then I couldn’t sleep and had a sugar craving. I think I finally got to sleep 0230h this morning.

In other news Work is progressing on my new site, my peak flow chat doesn’t seem to have any clear pattern to me, despite the extra hour [clocks Sprang forward remember] I still feel tired, and I still have that sugar craving!

Adue

☮&♥

I can’t belive I just did that. Andy and I are now on a ‘break’ to purse other [non-existant] options. We are on a break becuse I was fed up with him being all anti-scocial, and it basicalled ended with:

Him: i wish i could make you happy, but i can’t, you don’t want me, you want some damned extrovert social charmer, im not that person, i never will be. if thats what you want, look, im happy with us, i always have been. if you don’t want me, then fine. if im not the person you want me to be, find the person who is. not put these expectations on me because your’ll only end up hurting and disappointing yourself. and thats the last thing i want for you. so you can choose me, and my ‘flaws’ or you can choose somenoe else who better fits your needs. it is your choice

Me: I’m not really sure what it is I want any more. I want you, just a little more extroverted. so, yes then, maybe I should try my luck with someone else, but I don’t really think I will ever stop careing about you, but break from each otherwould do me good I think

Me: ‘Take what you love and set it free. It will come back if it was meant to be.’

Not sure how I feel. A little sad, been crying quite a bit, but not too bad. Time will tell I guess.

On to new pastures then I guess….. :-/

☮&♥

Music: Sounds of a NASCAR race from the TV

Mood: tired

Friday I went to the Paragon [modern apprenticeships] training people. That all went nice and well, and I should be getting a letter from them soon confirming stuff, and They will start sending out my CV to companies. I did mention to her that I was more interested in the IT side of things rather than admin, and proceeded to confuse the poor woman with tech talk. It really did make me feel quite geeky. We finished around 1500h and by half past mum had arrived to pick me up. We dropped into Matalan on the way home, and inquired about a set of crockery that I love. It’s slightly more expensive than I would have liked, but since it’s stoneware I don’t mind so much. Its matt black with a rim of white and the bowls are matt black on the outside, but creamy white inside. I didn’t know at the time, but I had enough money on my card to buy it then and there. Must go back soon. While we were in Matalan, mum also bought me this gorgeous top; black with inbuilt support and perfect for showing lots of cleavage. I also got a bunch of new [black] knickers.

Today I messed on the net until 1400h, when dad, mum and I wandered up to the grammar school for a model exhibition. That was pretty cool The rest of the time we’ve spent round at the House, sorting out bits and bobs. I have acquired a wooden antelope, pewter tankard and candlestick holder, Chinese porcelain cup, pretty egg cup, pretty little cup and saucer, Celtic cross on a bit of animal bone, box of starter [as in meal] glass thingys, indoor water feature, many crafty things, old cook book and G’ma’s recipes, art deco style tea pot, jug and two bowls, and a tiny green glass. I think that was it… This has only gone to prove my point that we are hobbits; we have far to many mathoms….

Talking of Hobbits, I’m about half way through LotR, and I’m sort of gland Andy bullied me into reading it. The book is definitely better than the movies, though because I saw the movies first, I keep seeing the actors faces in place of whatever my mind might conjure up. But its still very good

And talking of Andy…. I think I have fixed my nameless fear; I am afraid of ending up in the same place I was a little while back: hurt, confused and angry at him. I’m also afraid of him holding me back in the future. Not that he’s a slacker who would leach off me, but more that he’s going to spend all his life in front of a computer in education, and I’m going to be left paying for it. He says he can save and stuff, but I don’t see much evidence of it thus far. I asked him to save whilst he was at TESCO and he never did. Its just, I’m going to be getting work soon, I’m buying my own crockery, I bought the glasses, I bought my computer, I payed for all my books, I’m planning on paying for the double bed and mattress. Except for my clothes and furniture and random little things, I bought all my stuff, he hasn’t. And he has said that if I want candles and such like I will be paying for them. I’m feeling like a woman, and an Independent one at that. I don’t want him to take me back to being a scared and confused little girl.

But anyway. I sent him an e-mail asking to meet up on Monday [I'm sure he has this coming week off] in Poole park, so hopefully we can talk face to face. [note to self: better let him know I want him alone. Man, that makes me feel like a crook: *deep scary voice* Bring the money and come alone...]

Question of the moment: Is it possible for an Independent Woman to be with someone and yet remain Independent?

☮&♥

No the power isn’t off, otherwise how else would I be doing this? I’m just odd is all, and this is nice. But I really should be in bed or somthing before I strain my eyes…

FYI, Hospital app. went fine, I resisted the urge to buy several £20 books and one £10, but did end up buying dewberry body scrub, body cream and secnted candles… I had better get a job soon, ja?

Night all.

☮&♥