Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

The ramblings, and occasional sanities, of a 20-something geekess from the UK

A Tender Moment

Two real moments merged to the fictitious

They walked, the lake to one side, in the gathering twilight. The sky was a beautiful riot of purples, blues, reds and oranges as the sun sunk into the water at their left.
“Duck!” he said, needlessly pointing to the gathering of waterfowl. The compulsion to quote was so strong, she didn’t even try to resist.
“Behold the duck. It does not cluck,” she said. “A cluck it lacks; it quacks. It’s especially fond of a puddle or pond. When it dines or sups, it’s bottom’s up.” He stopped and turned to her, green eyes vibrant in the last of the day’s light.
“I love you,” he said, the sentiment warm and sincere. She smiled at him in bemusement.
“Why?”
“Because,” he paused, trying to find the words. “Because you quote poetry like it was the most natural thing in the world.”
“That’s because it is!” she said laughing, and the smile turned from bemusement to endearment.
They embraced and stood as the last sun-rays dipped below the horizon, before walking on.

☮&♥

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Random Bloke

Talk about random. I was sat in the bus station today, waiting for my bus cuz I got there way too early, and I got out my latest book [Phillip Pullman's Northern Lights if you want to know] to read while I waited. Then this bloke sits down and then this woman, so I stop reading to move up and make room for her, but she doesn’t so I’m about to go back to reading when the other bloke asks me what I’m reading. I show him the cover, say I’d heard Pullman was good and was going to try it myself. So he gets out the book he’s reading and shows it to me, about a murder mystery in Istanbul. This is normal enough, I’m in a public place, we’re both waiting for the bus so it’s not like either of us could cause any trouble for the other etc, so we carry on talking.

This guy, it turns out, is really interesting. He talks about history, how he’s related to some famous ancient Welshman. We talk about history in general and historic murder mysteries like Brother Cadfile. He tells me he’s a bit of a writer himself. Then his bus turns up. He introduces himself, does that slightly odd greeting I’m use to getting for well dragged up people, the half hand-shake followed by a kiss in the back of the hand, and he asks me for my e-mail address and gives me his. Please bear in mind he’s like my Dad’s age, so ya know… Then he has to go, and it’s all very amenable and courtly, and so utterly utterly random.

Isn’t it odd that the most random things make my day?

☮&♥

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Stupid, stupid me

Why am I stupid? Here’s a clue.
I am depressed.
About what? Good question. I don’t know. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong. Not at all. In fact, maybe it’s not even depression. I don’t know. I feel scared of the outside world, and it’s stopping me from going anywhere. I don’t want to do anything. Completely apathetic.
It’s stupid that I’m depressed, but its more stupid that whenever I try to think about the problem I want to cry. And today I stared crying when I was on the phone to my s/o when he asked me to go to his. It’s not that I didn’t want to go, it’s because I didn’t want to have to face the world. To add to the list, I’m so tired and cold and ill, that I just want people to LEAVE ME ALONE! Is it really so much to ask that I am not pestered all the time? Am I such a good actress that people cannot guess when I’m bad inside?
I sometimes wish I was still @ uni, away from my family. But maybe it was uni did this to me.

An appropriate quiz result:

You’re an independent, don’t-take-crap-from-anyone type of girl. You’re pretty self-centred, and less able to take care of yourself then you think you are. You have a good heart… just try to use it.

Bleh. Well, ciao

☮&♥

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Site Update 6

Just as I was beginning to loose hope over ever being hosted on our home server, it appears that this may be possible after all! our contract with bt broadband is up soon, and Owen is searching for another, cheaper broadband operator that does static ips. so finally have a proper website! yay :)

* Made some nice picture buttons for the main navigation bar, and a rather lame banner.
* Owen installed Apache on the server, so all the links are being changed, and am uploading to the server.
* Prettified the code

☮&♥

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Course – Part 3

W00T!! The stuff from ICS finally arrived today, and I’ve been doing it all afternoon. Aren’t you all so proud of me for concentrating on one thing for 4 hours? :-)

☮&♥

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Wheehe!

Well, I finally took the dreaded step; I have a webblog. Bleh. Still wish I could have made my own, but the calendar was far to difficult to make, and Andy [S/O] couldn’t be arsed to PHP me one. Yah!

☮&♥

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Wee! It’s bee a long time since I did one of these. Well, letssee.

I managed to get a job, a clerk for social services, not great, but it’s better than being some crummy shelf-stacker. So I finally have some money in the bank. Or not. I’m taking out £60 from each payday to save for a car, house and… something else. I very much doubt Andy and I will ever get our own place, simply because it’s so goddamn expensive. Cheapest flat I’ve seen is £74k, about £68k over my budget.

But I’m happy coz Andy has 8 or so weeks left at Tesco and then he can get a proper job. I’m still fucked with the whole ‘life’ thing, and am struggling to finish my novelette. Bad girl that I am, I started a new one, just as light relief, and I’m concentrating on that more than I should *slaps wrist*.
Sigh.
Any one got some neat ideas what I can do with my life?

This pic is cool, go look!

☮&♥

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OMG! So much has happened. Ok, so I’ll give y’all the lo-down. I left Uni 3 days early, had a lovely Christmas, tried desperately to get onto another course at Plymouth, got upset coz they wouldn’t transfer me, withdrew from the Uni, went and collected my stuff, spent the whole of January and most of February trying to get a job/ moping/ complaining I couldn’t live with my mother/ angst-ing that I had no future.

Now February’s almost over, and I’ve joined a recruitment palace, so hopefully I should be doing some office temping soon. I’m still not sure exactly what I want to do about the whole ‘life, the universe and everything’ thing, but I might try writing. I mean, I think I’m not too bad, and most of my mates like my writing.

I do have a work in progress atm that I’m gonna make myself finish, and polish. It’ll probably be the first thing in ~33 months to be finished properly, and I’m not going to re-do any of the others. They’ve gone into an archive directory, but Andy’s been talking about re-doing Net-Authors, and using them on that.

Well, now y’all are up to date, I can get on with my writing :-) . Ciao!

☮&♥

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I fucked up big this time…

The pain is there,
In my head, my shoulders, my legs, my body

My mouth is dry, my breathing constricted
And my heart is sealed.
I can’t feel it, can’t sense it. Is it even still there?

An automatic defence mechanism, my body’s shut down.
It can’t take the strain…can’t take the knowledge,
It’s in denial, not that I blame it… it wants to sleep…it wants to cry
I want to forget…I want to die

It hurts too much…I need a friend,
But in this black desert there is none
I can’t face it alone… I want some help

The Pain! The Pain… take it, please!
The sharp stabbing pains of failure.
I fall to the floor as the knives of hurt cut into my heart
I’m going to die…I want to die…

Please, Just kill me.

☮&♥

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The New Improved Red Riding Hood

NB: This was done for a school assignment, and I am fully aware of how pants it is, but the militant feminist in me thinks it’s funny. Credit goes to Amy Spencer for helping with it.

On a cold, rainy day,
all was quiet, apart from Red Riding Hood kicking someone’s head in.
“Well done,” said her instructor. “Here’s your black belt.
Be careful with your talent,
only use in emergencies.”
Miss Hood was really pleased,
so she got down on her knees,
and a tear ran down her cheek.
“I know,” she said, “I’ll bring Grandma a tin of meat
and show her my amazing feat.”

She travelled through the woods for days and thought,
‘This woods a maze!’
Eventually she met the wolf,
who said,
“My dear, what are you doing here?
This is not the place,
for little girls who can’t protect themselves.”
This made our Red quite mad indeed,
so she kicked him in the seed,
and ran off down the path.

At last she arrived at Grandma’s house,
but Grandma was not about.
Instead she found,
The wolf and woodcutter floundering on the ground.
“Take that”Miss Hood she cried,
and kicked the wolf in the side.
The wolf cried out and gave a yelp,
and tried to bite her on the scalp.
Miss hood could take no more of this,
so she wiped a pistol from her skirt,
and shot him,
and it hurt.

☮&♥

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