Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

Grahh! Buses are so annoying. It’s like ten o’clock and I’m pretty much only just got home. I’ve been in long enough to boot this up and make a cup of tea. I shouldn’t get home this late. If the buses all arrived/ left when they said they would I should be back here by half nine at the latest [I finish 0850, bus turns up at 0900, take 15 mins to get to poole, I get #15 at 0920, or if I'm lucky the m2 @0915, ten mins to get home. I'm back at 0930]. Well, that little rant out the way, and I feel better. Well, in as much that I’m not longer miffed by the buses. But I’m not okay in that I don’t really have anything planned to do today. I have some washing-up to do, and I’m expecting a call form the IFA, but other than that I really don’t have anything planned. It kinda sucks because I feel at a loose end. I know that means I should have more time for writing but I don’t have any Work In Progresses to attack. I mean, I have a bunch of stories that still need finishing, but they feel so stale to me now, after having worked on them for what seems like forever. I’m half tempted to not write anything more on ‘the ultimate story of my friends’ cuz unless I get a better idea I think I might use that as my NaNoWriMo this year. No, I really need to start a new project, fresh. I need to actually work one through from the beginning to the end this time. and now I have time to do it, I have no ideas, no inspiration. Well, okay that’s sort of not true, because I have a list of some random sentences that sounded good and a couple of names I’ve seen that sound cool, but how can fit it all together. I know all I really need to do is sit down and start writing, and the ideas will come, but I’ve spent too long doing that and having the inspiration dry up half way though. That’s my problem – I can’t end things. Either I just dry up and give up or I waffle on for ages.

Huh, it’s funny, I really want to stop writing this morning page and check my e-mail. Maybe it’s because I’m being honest with myself and so I’m trying to avoid myself writing this by running away. I never thought I’d want to run away from a page before. Gods I feel silly now. The feeling has passed, but that also could be because I’ve stopped talking about something that apparently was making me uncomfortable.

I really missed not playing DnD this week. While it was nice to just hang with Ry and and stuff, the lack of actually doing something after I’d done ‘cooking’ was intolerable. I bet it would have made me feel better too. I think I’m going to actually cook that pork that;s been sitting in the fridge since Friday tonight for dinner and finally use up the curry sauce I have. Then tomorrow I’ll make the cottage pie. Bah, my careful food planing is all out of whack because I got sick, then andy got sick. I guess that means I can do either spaghetti bolognis tomorrow or the beef korma. Or maybe we won’t go out this Friday and we can have one of those on Friday. I’d like to go out thou, maybe I can convince andy to go ice skating in the park with me. That might be fun. Heh, how odd, even though I’m writing down one – the more lateral – stream of conciousness, I seem to have another working in the background keeping track of what I’m saying and adding a differing slant. See, just as I was talking about going out, I was thinking but that will mean we’re spending money and then I though, oh I still haven’t paid andy the rent and that I should probably try and remember to do it today. I should also try to remember to put a note about it in the calendar so I remember for next time too. See I’m begging to believe that GTD bloke when he says that the best way to free yourself of worry to get down to do something is to have a place that can keep track of things like that for you. If I write down every regular occurrence that I have to remember it makes it easier to not let myself worry about it and to do stuff like this. Wow. I’ve filled my page up really easily today. I must be getting into the grove of doing this. ah well, adue for now

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the sun is shining again today, after raining all day yesterday. I haven’t been able to write much over the past few days because I’ve been sick. I’m sat in the lounge today because I am still feeling a little off. In front of me is Daniel’s dragon plant. It’s soil looks really dry, but apparently that is how they like it. With the sun coming through the window it makes me think of a dustier climate than ours. It looks like it has just been pulled straight from a desert. I still feel ill My killer headache of doom is still prevalent and isn’t getting much better what with the electric having run out today. Because I’ve been ill I haven’t cleaned house and the laundry has been piling up, so the day I come back to do something about it is the day I have no electricity. When I’ve finished this, I’ll go and hit the emergency £5 button so at least the freezer won’t defrost for a little while longer. Unfortunately I probably won’t be able to put any more electric on until I come back from work this afternoon. Mainly because there are no cash points around here to withdraw the money and second because the shop doesn’t open until 1200 anyway. Hopefully the 5 quid will be enough to get my laundry done and make the boiler work so I can do the washing up as well. And let me have my long awaited cup of tea. Humm, I know I’m not even halfway down this page, but the buses were late getting me home and then I sagged, so it’s 10 past 10 and I really want to get everything done. Though there have been things bugging me lately so maybe I’ll come back to this page when I have my cup of tea

Right now my life feels like a catalogue of errors. This morning, as I was coming in through the door I managed to nick one of my knuckles, and just now, doing the washing up, I’ve managed to break a glass and slice my hand open. I finally managed to get a plaster on it [after getting blood every where] but now I can’t carry on with the washing up or the plaster will come off. Now it’s quarter to eleven and all I’ve managed to do today is get injured. well, that’s not quite true, I’ve activated the emergency 5 pounds and got the laundry going, but still. It feels like with every things that I do wrong, it sets me up to do something else twice as worse. will it never end? I also have my phone appointment with the IFA guy today to half finalise the mortgage. That’s going to be fun if I carry on like this. Damn, my hand really stings. the cut runs diagonally across the base of my little finger and I couldn’t quite get the plaster on right, so I just hope I don’t end up opening it again when I take the plaster off. It’s stiff too, probably from the fact the the plaster is holding it in position and I’m not using it. thought it’s itching now so maybe it’s getting better. It’s weird I’ve only ever seen that much blood come out when I’ve been giving it away. For what amounts to a small cut, it didn’t half bleed a lot. well I just checked and it doesn’t seem to be bleeding any more. I’ve put the plaster back on just in case and I’m going to try and carry on with the washing up and my other chores, right after I finish this page and my cup of tea.

Oh yeah I was going to talk about that thing that’s bugging me. well, I don’t have much space left now, but… actually I’m not sure I want to talk about it. I’s just about the house and the fact that it’s bugging me and I the last time I went out with kat, I wanted to talk to her about it, just talk and get it off my chest and have her listen, but for some reason I really didn’t feel comfortable. I don’t know what this means for me or for her and our friendship but it worries me and I don’t even know how to talk about that worry. well my time at this page is almost up and so is my tea so I’m going to preserve battery power, shut down and get on with my chores. Oh goody :-/

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I feel like crap today. I have diarrhoea. I’m cold and shivery and my tummy hurts like a bitch. I really don’t feel like writing but I know it will probably help take my mind off the pain [as will my wheat-y bear who is now all toasty and stuffed down my trousers]. But try as I might, I can’t think of anything to write again today. It’s Sunday, and so we’ll be having dnd today. I hope I feel okay by then. I guess I should do that ‘start were you are’ thing. So where am I? I’m at home

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I wonder why everything always takes so long? I mean, even though I’m trying to cut down on what I read in the mornings… Gah this isn’t good. I’m all distracted. This morning I didn’t stay pout and write – I wanted to do it from home. Only thing is once I got here I put off doing this daily free write because there were other things to do – call people, send e-mail, do washing up – anything but write. I also fell into the trap again of switching on my main machine and looking at my dailies [which apparently takes 30 mins – but I've drastically cur down them now so we'll see] the moment I got home instead of sitting down to do this free write like I /told/ myself I would. and now I’m all distracted. There are so many things to think about. I wish I could let them all go sometimes and not worry about anything. and even though there is so much to worry and think about, now when I come to write down my complains I can’t think of a single thing. How predictable and irritating.

It’s nice outside though – the sun is shining for the most part, even if there is a little bit of cloud. The weather updater thingy on the desktop says that it’s 17 deg.C outside. That means before I leave again for work this afternoon, I shall change into something a little most breezy so I don’t get so hot like yesterday and get a headache. That wasn’t nice – every time I stood up or moved I got blood rush that made my head throb and make me feel sick. In the end I asked andy to go downstairs because the light was hurting my head – even through a cloth blindfold. I shall be very miffed if I get that headache again today because I’m supposed to be going out with Andy. We’re going to the cinema to see stuff, and maybe he’ll treat me to dinner too

gods! that’s so annoying! The crap hole door keeps squeaking and I don’t know why, but it not only creeps me out because I think someone is coming up the stairs, but the suddenness jerks me out of my writing and that’s just irritating. I wonder how I can fix it? ah well, maybe I’ll leave that ’till another time. or not… Yay it’s sort of fixed now. I put scotch tap across the doors at the top to hold them closer together and so far it seems to be working at least a little better than before.

So what else can I talk about? It’s my turn to cook on Sunday – at DnD we’ve started this thing so that each week someone different cooks and brings food. The first week kat did a slightly tasteless risotto, then Greg [with my help] made beef curry [because that was all that was in the house] and so next week it’s my turn. I’m going to do my famous camp medley. I’m not sure where I got the recipe from, but it was what I cooked for my advanced camping badge at guides. I had brought the food with me, but I had to find and assemble the cooking fire myself without any help, then using the utensils provided, cook a simple filling meal. the badge also required you to be able to instruct 3 other girls in how to put up a ridge tent [that bit was a little harder since I had newbies with me] and make a washing up stand out of gadget wood [that's easy – I bet I could still do it, maybe even in my sleep]. Essentially you had to prove that you could run a camp of three other girls all by yourself, and I believe I passed with flying colours. but then, is that really surprising considering I’ve been camping for most of my life? So anyway. A camp medley, as I call it, consists of leek, mushroom, sausages, baked beans and pasta, in that order. It’s tasty filling and covers all the main food groups – carbohydrate, protein fibre and vegetables. I hope I don’t screw it up. Its been a while since I made it and the last time it kinda went wrong, but I’m expecting it’ll be fine. The only other thing is will there be enough – my judge of portions isn’t very good. But I expect it’ll be fine. Oops just said that twice. well I guess it just re-affirms what I know Anyway, my page is finally done, so adue

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I feel kinda tired today. I didn’t sleep very well, though that might have something to do with the amount of caffeine and lactose I’m pushing into my system. But then I’m ‘on’ and my body wants it even it it’s not very good. I hate being on – the mess the cravings and cramps, the nausea – it sucks big time. So where am I today?

I’m sat in the bookends café in the library the coffee her is uber cheep, something I’m grateful for because I had been unwittingly shelling out almost 2 quid for a cup of coffee in BHS. Normally I wouldn’t mind spending that much – if I was at a dedicated coffee house and paying for something I couldn’t re-create at home – but the BHS coffee is just like instant so poo on that! I quite like it here. I’ve not been up here before. The walls are light blue and green, and there are huge windows that let in the natural light [well, what there is of it atm anyway]. I’m sat far in the corner so I won’t disturb anyone, looking out of one of those windows. Behind and to the left is the IT suit, and to the right in the café’s counter and the entrance to the children’s library. Out of the window I can see the building work at seldown bridge – the future high-rise flats and two huge cranes. I can also see part of the opposite side of the bus station. It use to be the job centre, but now, apparently, is ‘Adventure Land’. In between adventure land and where I’m sat is a big block of wall, must be the sport centre… yeah it even says so. Sea Gulls keep landing on the roof. I don’t like sea gulls – they’re big and swoop at you if they think you have food. It’s hard to see out of the window. It’s covered in condensation and streaks, like no one has bothered to clean it for a while. I don’t think I could tell with out going over if those streaks are on the outside or the inside.

I have washing – laundry – to do when I get home Joy. I’m only going to do the cottons though. I need to keep the synthetics until Friday because my light-weight coat smells and I want to wash it, but I’d be silly to wash it on it’s own.

Somewhere behind me there’s a boy and his mentor. He sounds like he’s doing his GCSEs – bio to be exact. They’re talking about hormones and before they were talking about natural selection and adaptation. Sometimes I wish I’d applied myself more at school, that way I might have learnt more. That way I could have take on extra stuff. I wish I’d figured out earlier that the thing I like most is knowledge and experience. I wish I’d had opportunity to expand my horizons more while I had the time and the financial back of my parents. I wish I’d gone with C on that trip to Thailand. Well, I wish a lot of things…

I need another cup of something. I wonder if it’ll be okay to leave everything here… Yes it was! I guess it’s not that busy and I can see my stuff from the counter. Did I mention I like it here? 80p for coffee, 60p for tea. I should bring Kat here, but we might not make it before the place shuts… Apparently, this café is run by volunteers from the Lewis Manning Hospice. I don’t know what kind of hospice it is, but there was a lady who has some kind of disability that served me, so maybe it’s like gravel hill’s school. Hmm, it’s just gone ten. Usually I’d have gone home by now, but I don’t really feel like it today. I think I need to structure my days better, so I have time for writing, and time for learning about stuff, and time for looking at stuff. Maybe I should lessen the things I daily look at, because it takes me about an hour or so to go through everything. I think I look at two forums, 10 comics, at least 7 rss feeds [I have more, but that's the average amount that comes up], 8 other pages and my e-mail. Maybe I’m just a slow reader or something.
Eep, I’ve only completed one page, and already my battery is half gone. Though, it says that I still have 40 mins, which would probably convenient take me to 10:50 which is when the number 15 goes… I had expressed a wish to get a new battery and hard dive for this, u but Andy says I should just get a newer laptop. He might be right…

Oh look, the sun came out. I wonder if it’s brightening up? It was spotting this morning and was a bit over clouded – British blanket grey skies – but now the clouds seem to be breaking up. Enough blue to make a sailor a pair of trousers and my grandma use to say. You if anything I think I’m starting to run out of things to type about. I’m doing this as part of an exercise in a book I got out the library yesterday – start were you are. The exercise said you should spend a few minuets every morning writing about nothing and everything for three pages – just like I’m doing here. It’s an exercise it just letting yourself writing and enjoying writing and giving yourself permission to write badly. I’m also doing this as part of a thing with Kat. She said we should each do this for a week and then swap and see what we wrote about. I’m not sure she got the point of the exercise, but it could be interesting. Damn, sitting in this chair is giving me back ache, and my shoulders are already hurting.

I think I got here about 9:30, and that means I’ve already been sat here almost an hour. I’m starting to need the loo and run out of thoughts to type about. Well, that’s not true – I don’t think I’ll ever run out of thoughts, but I’m getting stiff from sitting so Maybe I’ll go home soon. I also think I might have to change the exercise from three pages to just the one, or I’ll spend all my time free writing and not story writing. Andy also gave me a good, simple, way to finish some of my stories – basically imagine they end right there, and then think about what pisses me off that it hasn’t been resolved, and then resolve it. Okay well I have no more battery left, so I’m going to vamose and go do that laundry

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