Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

Music: Sing-a-long Rock [Epica, Lacuna Coil et al]
Phrase of the moment: Bugger fucking fuck fuck fuckers, screwy piss weasles.

Whoo, I just read all the stuff I wrote on spacefem this morning/ last night and the morning/ night before. I was sure I posted some really mean crap, but I can’t find it. Kudos to Sott W. for nursing me through these depression periods… Both times, I’ve been fine, and then something will set me off, and I’ll get so depressed I actually turn to drink. I know its a dumb thing to do, but I can’t help it. Yesterday was just… Bleh.

Basically, yesterday it seemed is not a good day to be me.

Everything I can’t do or some such jumped up and smacked me in the face.
Christmas food shopping… So many lovely scrumy stuff I can’t eat. We then had take out for tea, and I didn’t realise It was egg noodles, so my wind pipe closed up and is being a bitch. On Spacefem, I come across a poll for dairy produce, which is you fave… and then as if that wasn’t enough someone dissed me for saying I hated sport:
me- all sport is evil -hiss-
someone else- Translation: I am physically inept and weak. I also don’t play well with others.
Sure he is right, but he didn’t have to say it did he? Then I made some dumb typo and people started rubbing it in. I know it was meant in fun, but I was already feeling really sensitive, so I complained to another spacefemmer I was chatting to on MSN and he went kind of mental over it. You see I have dyslexia, and it upsets me that people make fun of my spelling. I hate people pointing shit like that out to me, that I already know, yet have no control over.

So, just it felt like the world was conspiring to make everything I can’t do /have be smack bang in my face. I know I’m whining, but I can’t help it. And yes, I probably do want sympathy, but more than anything I want it to all go away. Yes I am pathetic.

There is just so much shit in my head right now, that I can’t seem to let lose, it eating me from the inside out, so I keep rambling in the hope things will go away, or I will feel better or something. I don’t know. I don’t think any of this has made that much sense.

Meh.

☮&♥

Music: Mix of New York Fairy Tale , Classical, Epica, Evanescence and Nightwish.

Whoo, Christmas is cool

I was so busy yesterday I forget to post.

Well I was made a mod on Christmas Eve, which was cool, and I got some fun stuff yesterday. My favourites include a purple roll neck sweater, purple Mag-Lite, juicer and print of Tigger sat on Winnie the Pooh’s chest The Christmas Eve get together was okay until we went to some crap club where a bunch of bloke started being jack-asses to me, so I stood on one of their feet.

My juicer is super cool, and mum reckons if it means I eat more fruit and veg then it was money well spent. I had 2 smoothies yesterday [apple, banana and grape; melon, apple and grape] and today I had apple grape and pear smoothie for breakfast.

I would have liked to get a digi cam or 4.1 surround sound speakers, but beggars can’t be choosers and the juicer is cool

The only thing that has spoilt things a little [other than said jerks on Christmas Eve] is Saberslash.

This morning [0000-0200] I was very tired and bored and should have been in bed, but I was talking to him. He kept sighing and I asked why, and he said he missed his rabbit, spot. I said why can’t you get another rabbit? And he was like, another rabbit? What are you on!? NOTHING CAN REPLACE SPOT!!!! So I apologised, and said I only meant that maybe he could get another rabbit so he didn’t feel quite so lonely. Is what I said totally unreasonable? Things and people you care about die, but you live with it, and move on, but never forget them. He said he had to go and signed out.

Today he signs in and he keeps sighing [again]. I ask what’s wrong and he tells me he hates me, and he wants to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spork. I’m, all nice and whatever, but he still says he hates me, so I ask is it about the rabbit and he promptly tell me I’m an insensitive bitch who deserves to die for being a fool. I explain again what I meant and say I’m really sorry, but apparently sorry wont cut it. And I got fed up of apologising, so:
Me- ‘I’ve said sorry. I mean it, but if you want accept it, there is nothing I can do.’
Me- ‘I mean how the fuck was I supposed to know how close your were the the fucking rabbit?’
Him- ‘….’
Me- ‘Whatever’ Then he logs out.

I wasn’t being that insensitive was I? I thought it was a perfectly legit thought. Oh and he had a minor bitch about how my Bro’s comp don’t work, so he can’t take any pics of me with his digi cam, so therefore its my fault. Meh. He’ll get over it all, he always does.

Hope you had a good Christmas

☮&♥

Music: None

I think I’ve fallen in love with some one I shouldn’t have. I feel like an idiot cuz I let myself get so close. I say think cuz I don’t know exactly. Previously love has done a running tackle on me. I wait up till 0200 just so see if he will come on so we can talk, I get lonely when he’s not on or talking to me, and if he doesn’t come on then I e-mail him to say good night. We talk about it a little yesterday. He insist that nothing has changed between us and we are still just friends, but I don’t know. I thought about it a lot, and I did the only thing I could think of: Tell him good bye.
I IMed him today, just now in fact, saying ‘I have to go. I don’t think I can or should talk to you any more. Good night and good bye.’ Then logged off and blocked him from my buddy list. But the stupid thing is, my heart is breaking and I want to cry cuz of my self imposed radio silence, but my head things it a good idea and is berating the heart for basically being a ditz.

I really feel awful.

Part of me wants him to e-mail me with a ‘WTF?’ Just so I can maybe try and explain something i don’t really know myself and so I can talk to him, the other says he won’t even notice or care despite his ‘I care really deeply for you as a mate’. Another little part is screaming at me for being such an inconsiderate fuck, and that he’s gonna do something really stupid like cut again or drink himself to death.

I’m such a fool and My heart hurts and, meh.

But I shan’t let this get in my RL relationship. I can’t. I must bear the pain alone.

Wandering, ever alone and ever confused, in the land of death and the damned. I reach the edge, and tumble down, bloody and bruised, into the abyss below.

This is very similar to what I feel:

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
______________
Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you
50 thousand tears I’ve cried
Screaming Deceiving and Bleeding for you
And you still won’t hear me

☮&♥

I really can’t think of much to write. This has been an odd weekend for me. cuddled up on the sofa watching films with Andy and worrying if my Grandma will make it through the night. I think she thinks she going. during her more lucid moments she takes us to task and organizes us. That woman thinks far to much, but she looks after us. Its also the 1st time I’ve seen my uncle regularly for a long while. I love her, she’s a battle axe, but I love her. How do I tell her though? I don’t think I can. And I don’t care if this is wrong spelling, punctuation or grammatically, I need to talk to something, and this is as good as place as any, that’s why is so random and rambling. Everyone has gone to the hospital, and its my turn to watch the phone. You don’t live to be 80 or so without making a few contacts.

I’m so very tired… I need sleep, but I can’t in case the phone rings, and I have to go to the library tomorrow and find a copy of a magazine called ‘the 3rd alternative’ for my ICS course. I’m on to the writing for the market module and I want to get something published in it. but it cost $24 per quarter, so I’ll look for it in the library, and I think I’ll have to go to the main one, so while i’m down there i can put in my prescription.

Did anyone see the new matrix yet? I liked it, but some of the effects there a bit overused. I liked the whole religious thingy at the end. I’m not myself really, but it was cool, the sacrifice and the T shape neo makes and the shape of head machine [it looked like an angel, anyone else notice that?]. I can’t believe the dumbass statement one person said afterwards ‘I’m glad they didn’t get neo to bring trinity back to life when she died that time’ As if they would. Jackass. I hope g’ma goes some place nice. and the sound track was cool, I’m so getting it. I might actually pay money for it heh.

Whatever. Tired. Ciao *Goes*

☮&♥