Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

The ramblings, and occasional sanities, of a 20-something geekess from the UK

Jan 27

Somthing odd abounds…

by DruidX

Well I just signed into 20six, and was presented with a string of German. WTF? And I got the same thing when I tried to write a new post. I used an on-line translator that told me it roughly said something to the effect of: ‘operation could not be concluded successfully. Please “to?ck” move in your browser “to? ck’

Meh. That’s beside the point. I want to whine. I want to whine in a safe place that I don’t think is frequented by a certain phsyco. He’s really beginning to annoy me, as he doesn’t seem to want to help himself, and fool that I am, I still care. Ok, here’s the history lesson folks, listen carefully.

Corey is 17. He has Bi-polar, a mental disorder. Go here for an explanation. I don’t know the exact time frame, but 1st someone poisoned his rabbit, then the girl he was dating, Tracy, dumped him for another bloke who then attacked him. He then started dating Steph who then left because she said ‘I want to be single’. Corey then found out that she was dating a guy on-line. His good mate Kathy knew this, but didn’t tell him, to protect him.

I’ve known him for about a week, and in that time he has threatened suicide 3 times, all of which have thankfully failed. Now bearing in mind that this guy is 7 hours behind me, time-wise, and I’ve been doing this over MSN, I think that’s pretty darn impressive of me. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. Each time he does something, I start off calm, thinking, I shan’t let this get to me, and end up completely hysterical. Shaking, crying, the works. And then when its all over, he apologises, which I find odd. Is this odd?
The first time he [Corey] threatened suicide he said he had knives in himself, and he made me chose whether he lived or died, and then once I said live, he ordered me to chose numbers, which corresponded to the knives. I felt like he was playing with me, toying with me, but I was so trapped in my emotions I couldn’t escape.
Last night I was crying into my pillow, I was so exhausted by the recent attempt [he took 4 ibuprofen, and a bottle of vodka], and self-harming [nothing too bad, just clawing my arms]. I don’t know why I care so damn much. If I were religious, I might take this as a sign that I should help him, but I don’t know.

He’s not the first either. I’ve had 5 losers I’ve stuck up for in as many years, and one of them I’m dating [but he's ok].
But I feel his pain, I feel my heart breaking when he talks, I feel his anger and depression. I wish I weren’t so damn empathic, or such a goddamn fool for these types. I’m not exactly mentally stable myself. And I don’t understand why I have such an urge to save him, when he clearly doesn’t want to be saved. Why, why, why? Stupid, moronic, foolish me.

Gah. I know people look at the shit I write, so I would really appreciate comments and help on this. Its tiring me out mentally and emotionally, and just… Help.

☮&♥

Rants

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Jan 27

Say it with me; Ooh, Aah!

by DruidX

Something I wrote to day coz I was super bored. I know it is rather reminiscent of The Matrix, Conspiracy theory and Read Or Die, but I kinda like it. I doubt I will ever do anything else to it, but meh, ‘waddya want for nothin’? A rubber biscuit?’ [from the blues bros.]
____________________
Paranoid confusion is knocking at my door again. But I’m not gonna let him in this time, I’m just gonna cuddle my noodles, and bitch about him on the ‘net, until he goes away. Then I think I’ll bitch some more.

the_druid: You'll never guess who's bugging me again
rayman23: You're right... Who is it?
the_druid: That guy from #17.
the_druid: Again.
Rayman23: If he bugs you so much tell him to scarper.
the_druid: Tried that. It doesn't work.
Rayman23: listen, I have to go to work tomorrow. I'll catch ya later yeah?
the_druid: Shit, its that late already?
the_druid: Wait you can't leave me! What am I going to do about Mr. Paranoia?
rayman23: How should I know? Sorry hon. I have to go.
rayman23 has signed off.

Damn!

I gaze around my small, dark and rather crowded apartment. Books, manuscripts, CDs and DVDs stacked everywhere complete with used dishes and dirty clothes. In case you were wondering why, I'm a librarian for an on-line university. One day, I tell myself I will fix the light so the whole place is illuminated and one day I will tidy and wash the dishes and do laundry. I push my computer chair back. And pigs will fly.

I carefully make my way to the door, and, making sure the chain is on, open it. A slice of light detaches from the hallway and make its way grudgingly into my apartment. Silhouetted is the figurer of my neighbour across the hall, Jacob Stevens.
"What is it Jacob?" I ask bored already.
"Ms Amber? Ms Amber, can I come in?"
"No Jacob you can't, and how many times do I have to tell you, don't call me 'Ms'?" By the way Jacob has Asperger's Syndrome. "Just tell me what you want."
"Well, Ms Amber, umm, you remember what I told you about my friends? When you came over last? And what we talked about?"
Yes Jacob, I remember only too clearly. Call me a softy, but I go round sometimes with a shop bought cake. We spoke at length about certain feelings of unreality he experiences. I thought, when he started talking, that it was part of his condition, but as he went on, he started saying things I could relate to. That he felt like he was really in a box even though there may be miles of space around, that he touched something and there was no texture. Stuff like that. He said he had these friends who helped him. Again I thought that these were part of his paranoid fantasies. But this time, I wasn't so sure.
"Yes I remember. What of it?"
"They want to meet you. They're waiting. Down stairs." He paused. "Please?"
_______________
Well, what do you all think?

☮&♥

Reviews

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Jan 27

A three new bookmarks and three remixes

by DruidX





Once again all images courtesy of the Open Clip Art Library.

☮&♥

Tech

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Jan 27

Another GeekHappyFunTime update

by DruidX

Well, it looks like this is going to be put on hold for a while, sort of. We got a different offer.

One of our old house mates [Lorcian on their forums] use to do have a slot on something called Booty Island Radio, that was run by Gaming radio Network. I don’t know if he still does that, but apparently he was asked to do a geek radio show by them [I think, I was kinda hazy on the details], and he asked Andy and I if we’d like to help. We said yes [obviously] as not only does he have all the kit, but it’ll give us a better idea of how everything works and perhaps when we finally do the vidcast we’ll actually know what the hell we’re doing.

I’ll post further details soonest, but basically I think our slot will be mondays 0800-1000 ish, so keep an eye out :)

☮&♥

Tech

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Jan 19

Thing a month

by DruidX

I’m not exactly making any ‘resolutions’ per se this year, but I do have a bunch of things I’d like to focus on this year, things I want to turn from ‘someday’ to ‘today’ following the the NaNoWriMo ‘Big, Fun, Scary Adventure’ idea. I thought I’d try and do one thing a month, so here is my list so I don’t forget.

Jan: Geek, Happy, Fun Time vidcast. Goal – to have at least one completed vidcast and have it up on the website.

Feb: Violin/ Fiddle. Goal – to have taken at least 5 lessons and become less than a complete newbie at it.

March: National Editing Month. Goal – to have a finished second draft of The MOW Files that I possibly wouldn’t mind showing to my parents.

April: Run DnD game. Goal – to run a DnD game with barely any flaws, one session a week for the whole month.

ADDON: May: Use MyCollection application on the G1 to catalog our media. Goal: To have done at least half the books by the end of the month.

Nov: NaNoWriMo. Goal – this one should be obvious…

Err, that’s as far as I’d though so far… But I’m sure I’ll think up something else.

☮&♥

Personal

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Jan 19

Updating

by DruidX

Dom from Megatokyo is famous for not posting anything up on the megatokyo blog very often. I tell you this because [this month excepted] I’ve noticed that my posting rate has slipped from at least once a week to once a month, and if Dom can post at least every two weeks I’m kinda feeling ashamed that I, with probably way less to do than he, can’t manage to find the time.

My excuses for this have varied from: ‘I’m too busy’ to ‘I have nothing to write about’, but I know that neither of them are exactly true. Even Lady S manages to post every week. Even if she thinks she hasn’t done anything especially noteworthy, she always manages to pick something interesting to write about. And I know that is true for me as well. Gods knows I have no way really of tell who reads this [all the XML feeds my stats package picks up are generic ones: Sage on Firefox, Google Reader etc] but I’m sure that something I find dull might be interesting to some one who’s geographical location doesn’t do that sort of thing. I mean it’s always nice to know that what you say is being appreciated by someone someplace that you don’t know [hint: comment! :P ] but it’s not an absolute necessity I suppose.

Maybe it depends on why you blog: if you blog for yourself – to record thoughts and events diary style, or if you blog to let the world at large know you’re alive and having fun, or if you want to get rich from a newspaper style opinion column. I don’t really know why I blog. I think at first it was because I mistakenly believed that the whole world wanted to know about the dull mundane stuff I did. Now I’m older it’s more like, I want to have a place to record what I think for myself [maybe for any future kid I begat], and I do have the small knowledge that there are a few people out there who like to keep up with that I’m doing [people I met once or twice at places like LUGL].

So armed with the knowledge of a small audience, and the wisdom to now not write about insignificant things, I pledge to write in this thing more often, and to also to do more blog-worthy things. I don’t know if this will stick, but I’ll try my best :)

☮&♥

Rambles

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Jan 9

One of the coolest ever things

by DruidX

Venomous mammal. I can’t help thinking though, it looks like one of the little toves that run around in the scene from Alice through the looking lass where Humpty Dumpty is telling her a poem…

☮&♥

Personal

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Jan 6

Geek Happy Fun Time – Update

by DruidX

I mentioned way back when that Andy and I were thinking of starting our own podcast to fill in the gap left by LUG Radio, only we more general geekyness and puppets. Well since that post in July we hadn’t really done anything beyond saying ‘we really must do that’ to each other. Well, not we’ve set things in motion: we bought a digital camcorder and it should be arriving any day now, and we bough the domain geekhappyfuntime.com [nothing there yet tho] and we spend most of Saturday morning talking about stuff, and watching other vidcasts. We’re still not exactly sure how we’re going to set everything up in the lounge, or exactly what we’re going to talk about, but we’ve made the first steps! I feel rather positive about what happening with it all.

☮&♥

Tech

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Jan 6

7 Things

by DruidX

[I was sure I'd already done this, but what the hell]

So since I got tagged by both Andy AND Bytye, I’m going to do fourteen things, and try and tag fourteen people. But first, the rules:
* Link your original tagger(s), and list these rules on your blog.
* Share seven facts about yourself in the post – some random, some weird.
* Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
* Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs and/or Twitter.

1. I got kicked out of Guides for being too old. I was offered a chance at senior section but turned it down because I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend my time around younger kids any more. I’ve been recently offered the chance to be an adult helper again though.

2. I use to make lace when I was younger. I still have my cushion and bobbins at my parent’s house, and I bet I could still do it. I’ve made two bookmarks, three Christmas tree ornaments and two pictures [that I can recall].

3. Up until a couple of years ago I use to have dreams that most people apparently would call ‘nightmares’ almost every night.

4. It takes me several hours to go to sleep.

5. I once took a home correspondence course in creative writing. I pretty much aced it.

6. I’m borderline anemic, which means I bruise easily and I’m only allowed to give blood once a year.

7. I hate having ‘bits’ in my tea. When I lived at with my parent’s I would always blow the dust out of cups, and at home I descale the kettle as soon as I think it’s getting scaly. I don’t have time to descale the kettle at work, but I always make sure I empty the kettle completely every morning to get rid of the bits.

8. I do the washing up in the exact same order every time: glassware, cutlery, plates, bowls, then anything else [like pots and pans].

9. I still have three boxes of books at my parent’s because Andy says we don’t have room for them here.

10. I’ve ‘won’ National Novel Writing Month 3 times, but only one of those [Tusamov] is a complete novel, the other two [The MOW Files and The Stone Of Tides] are only half way complete.

11. I have never owned a personal, portable audio device for more than a month [not counting my new mobile phone]

12. when I’m counting I have this habit of missing out the number eleven.

13. I hate seeing numbers written in digits in professional work. I think all numbers should be written out longhand.

14. Harvest, nearly always the first week in September, is my favorite time of year.

And now for the tags. And now I have a small problem – Andy has tagged nearly everyone I know that posts with any real regularity. Damn him *waves fist* Fern is the only person left for me to tag, so consider yourself taggificated.

☮&♥

Tests

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