This was written in response to a request for holiday horror stories on Teabot’s show. It was well received, and apparently amusing, so I thought I’d share it here too. The podcast of the show is here, her oration of the list is excellent.
1. Stand in the middle of the street gawking.
Yes, we know the roads are narrow, and the pavements narrower, but they are still roads and cars like to drive down them occasionally without having to honk their horn and risk running you over. Similarly, if you’re going to dawdle your way along said narrow pavements, for the love of gods, do it single file. Some of us live here and are going to be late for work/appointments if you don’t fucking move right now.
2. Feed the wildlife.
Because of course chips are excellent for a seagull’s digestion, and don’t condition it to return day after day to score a free meal, and if it does, of course that won’t bother us natives at all. Not. This goes for any type of wildlife – Horses, cows, pigeons. It’s especially dangerous, for you and the animal, to feed larger beasts. They’ll trot across busy traffic just to see if you have something tasty on you, and if you don’t? Well, horse bites hurt.
3. Ask me for directions.
Okay there’s a caveat to this one; If I’m dawdling along, enjoying the sunshine like you, there’s a good chance I’ll happily give you directions. But if I’m scowling, and in a tearing hurry, I’m more likely to tell you to how to get to the sewage works than I am to send you to the beach.
4. Complain about the lack of mobile signal/ conveniences/ something similar.
You’re in the arse-end of nowhere, love. There’s fuck-all out here but farms and pigs, or the sea and fish. You’re lucky there’s a corner shop. Quit your bitchin’ already.
5. Call where I live quaint.
Stop that shit right now. Especially if it’s been around for less than a hundred years. Stop it. Just no.