The Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

When I was very very small, I had the same trouble sleeping as I do now - that it took me several hours to get anything near sleep. I would be put to bed, I would be read to, settled down... and just lie there, listening to what was going on outside my bedroom door, wishing I could go out there and join in because I hated feeling alone like that. At this same time my mother was a guide county commisioner, meaning she had lots of guide meetings all the time. Which also meant she didn't like her 4 year old daughter keep disturbing said meetings. so I use to lie awake and cry myself to sleep because I was lonely and wanted to go out there in the light and be with my mother.

When I was in year 5, we were doing something with large boxes that had been kept in storage for ages. As seems to be the theme now, I was with a group of boys. The teacher had gone out the room for somereason and I inadvertantly admited I was afraid of the spider in my groups box. They held my arms and held me in palce whilesomeone approched me with said spider. I screamed and I begged and no one came forward to help me or to tell them to stop, even those few people I thought where my freinds.

Some time later, also in year 5, so bitch had the great idea she would bully me about the spider thing, about my weight, about everything. When what she was doing came out, I had at least 6/7 people say they would protect me, they would help me. And to think I actually belived them. One break/ lunch time, as said bitch turned up, I swear to god, they all ran, leaving me, on my own, to deal with her.

Later still, my two 'best freinds', admitedly through uncontrolable circumstances, both left me at the same time in year 6.

I spent about 2 years of my shcool life with no freinds. At all. there were some people I hung out with, and some people in my classes who didn't specifically hate me. But there was no one I would have called my freind.

In year 8 I was bitter, didn't get close to anyone. Didn't want to get close to anyone. But a girl called emma rye followed me everywere, wanted my freindship. The bitch that I am, I made her work really hard for it. I opened myself up again, only to have two girls in my class who I thought liked me completly turn on me for no reason. I shut off again. Can you blame me?

It was about year 9 that Kat turned up. Asked me to the H's to spend lunch with her and her group. I was sceptical. I think I went only because it was possibly better than sitting in the canteen getting food thrown at me. Kat, God bless her, actually gave a damn. Her friends didn't seem overly keen, but they accepted me. I still didn't open up. I got a well deserved rep for being a scary bitch who faught with all the boys [and when I say 'boys' I mean geeks].

So, through years 10 - 14 I didn't have it too bad freind wise. We formed a tightish circule: Me, Ryan, Kat, Woody, Amy and Charlie. Occasionally we had additions like Luke, Ross, G, Greg, Si Malinson, Gregor, Micheal and Konrad, but that was the core group. And... to a point they weren't too bad I guess. But they had a tendancy to ditch me every now and again. Or they'd say 'wow, that was fantastic, you should come next time' and I would and it'd be shit. Or I'd walk into a room and people'd stop talking, or even leave soon after I'd arrived. The worse is, they'd say I was being paranoid. Like hell.

I can point to a few specific examples. I wanted to go camping for my 18th. My mum was ready to book and pay for everyone's tent lot, even if she didn't go herself. I got excuses like, I'm going to France, 3 days is too long, I'm not really a camping person. The very next year Charlie says for her 19th she wants to camping. The responses? 'Yeah I'd love to, sound really cool and fun!', despite the fact that she didn't book her lots and didn't get the site she wanted, nor did her mother offer to pay for everything.

My second example is from that selfsame trip. Right at the end just before everyone left the site, they all decide they wanted to go to Swanage. 'Yeah, that'd be cool.' we all say [because frankly kat and I had wanted to go on the saturday or something]. So I get all excited, we put all kat's stuff in andy and mine's tent so it's safe, and go to get in the cars and Luke and Ross very deliberatly tell me 'There is room for Monty and Kat, but not for you.' Charlie and a bunch of others are within hearing distance make absolutly no comment on how this is totally unfair to suggest that I sit at the site, all on my own and wait for my mum to come get me and all Kat, Andy and my stuff.

Then this stuff started happening more and more often, so I fainally gave in and said, fuck you. I never want to talk to any of you again. And then they had the gall to suggest I was over reacting.

Again, like hell.

So for the next couple of years I swim through life with pretty much just andy and kat. And I'm happy. There is no one to hurt me, no one to make me feel bad about myself, no one to leave me.

And now this - I get fed up with the mealstrom around me. I get tired of thinking and worry about every one. I get exausted, with out even really knowing it, that I'm being trodden on and expected to support everyone that I just give. I have to do something about it, so I do and I get wailed on for it. I want to do one thing for myself and I get wailed on for it.

And now, this morning... Lats night, w/e. I get conviced to go into a place that is bad for my health, and when it turns out to be more than my body can handle, I feel like I'm being diched again by everyone. I know I walked off, but if you all couldn't have been bothered to come out and talk with me about what you wanted to do when you knew I couldn't come back in, I figured you wouldn't want to be bothered with doing something that would be good for my lungs, and like hell was I going to stand outside any more than was nessisary looking like a pize lemon.

I know you don't see it, but let me tell you, I have a disability and I do get fracked off occasionally when I don't feel you appriciate that fact. I don't care that it doesn't seem obvious, but do you honestly think I take two pills and technically three inhalors a day for fun? Do you really think I'm just spouting garbage when I say I can't have this or that, then cheat and have a tiny amount of said somethings when I'm out? You know why it's never obvious? It's beacuse I try to take care of myself. I try to follow my doctors orders. And if I don't, I do suffer for it.

Do you know what it was like for me? It was like someone had a band around my chest and while I was on the dance floor, even when I wasn't, it was like someone was pulling that band tighter and tighter. So I go outside, I have a rest, breath clean air, the band loosens and I think I'm fine. I walk back in and it's like the band instantly tightens again. Okay, that wasn't like the three time's I've practically had an attack, or the Christmas I came back from Uni and I didn't have any inhalours to take and I had to walk back from the cinima to andy's via Kat's [aka, the long way] and I honest to gods couldn't breath. At all. To say that it was scary is an understatetment. That's why I carry the blue puffer around with me every where.
So I don't care if you don't think so, but it's there and it's real and it affects me just the same as does any debilitating disability.
Okay random digression from the point over. Except now I can't remember what the point was... Eh. Night.