The Ramblings of a Disorientated Mind

I love Ikea, don’t get me wrong. I think the whole premiss behind it is fantastic, and I love going and wandering around the show rooms and imagining the vast possibilities and How I Can Make Them Work For Me™.

Now, Dark and I have needed a media storage solution for… well, since we moved out of home 3 years ago. Between us we’ve got over 600 books, 200 music CDs, probably about the same for DVDs and console games, and too many media CDs to count. Back last summer we contacted a guy to make us a bespoke media solution, but that hasn’t panned out so we decided, in our apparent naivety, that we’d use an Ikea solution.

Oh dear gods was that a mistake. I have spent the better part of today, armed with pencil, ruler and graph paper trying to make us a solution. My head is numb from the sheer mind blowing number of possible combinations that we can fit on the one wall I was concentrating. Please remember this isn’t counting the rest of the room. I feel like gibbering in a corner somewhere.

But you know what the best part is? I’m not finished!!!! So I get to do this all over again tomorrow!!!!

Oh, and my ruler isn’t straight.

Guh *headdesk*

I’ve just spent an hour and a half pissing around on various sites for b2evo, trying to find a way to turn off the stupid contact form cuz I’m fed up of getting spam from it. In the process I noticed these things called ‘post types’ and spent some time trying to figure out what they are, only to be defeated, AND I saw something that looks like you can subscribe to a post, but I can’t find a way to turn it on. So I’ve just wasted precious time on one thing, when I could have been getting my chores out of the way or doing my NVQ homework

Damn you internet, stealing my time! *shakes fist*

UPDATE!
After spending another hour, I’ve figured out how to make the form go away and how to make pages. I still can’t figure out the whole ’subscriptions’ thing, but I don’t care. I’m off to the shower.

… When the best thing about your weekend is work?

Friday Shadowrun was a bit naff because of an issuse with the dog. Sat day I was working, which was fun, but the party I was supposed to be going to in the evening was a complet bust. And today, sunday, well having lunch with my parents and Sarah was nice but we decided to leave because we were ment to be playing Showdorun, got home and really haven’t done anything since. I would have liked to stay at my parent’s actually. I haven’t seen them to talk to in a while and I just feel like it would have been nice to spend longer with them.

Ah well, always next weekend I guess…

Shit faced, weenie hugging, jack-assed cunt fucking, scrotum buggering violatory drek monkeys!

Hi, Can you tell I’m angry?

I’m afraid that your [contract] is still with the Directors for signing. They have unfortunately not been available this week to do our [Swaything Housing Association’s] signing, but I am hopeful that this will be done next week

Next week? Next FRAGGING week! We were expecting to have completed the sale by now and to be MOVING IN next week, or at least have the keys to move in.

Sorry everyone, but I’m guessing by the way things are going, it’ll be the end of october by the time we can move…

Sodding barstard fucking cunt-faced weasil scum.

…and I’m almost glad to be going back to school, because - and I hate to admit this - but I’m bored. Oh sure there are loads of things I guess I could be doing: reading, editing my novel, practicing fiddle, integrating the new website layout, sorting photos or music, getting stuff ready to sell. It’s just that none of them hold any attraction for me right now. Grr

I feel okay after the endoscopy - tired shaky and still a little fuzzy - but okay. I won’t know until I make another appointment what the results were. I don’t really want to talk bout the proceda or what happened, all I know if I feel like a pin cushion - my left hand has been stuck at least 4 times and kinda hurts now I’m typing…

I guess that’s all I need to say…

I need to find someone who will read my stuff, make constructive comments, who is not Andy and not charge me the earth to do so.

I read, a while ago, that writing is a lonely business, and that one needs other writers or at the least a couple of decent readers to hang around with and be writer-like with. In my ignorance and youth I scoffed and though this wouldn’t apply to me.

But it is… and and now I’m starting to feel the strain. Somehow it’s not enough just to have my friends smile and say ‘you’re wonderful for being a writer’. At the risk of sounding emo, no one understands me!

I tried looking for writers groups and workshops in the area, but they’re either where I can’t get to them [to quote one site ‘Rural Dorset’] or they want to charge me a gazillion quid just for them to turn up and look at my writing.

Andy is insisting that I have a good style and my prose is entertaining, but he hates what I write. It’s very hard to accept criticism from someone who admires one’s art purely from a technical stand point and not for the actual story being told.

I know I’m not the only writer who’s ever felt this way, because every writer’s blog/ site I read says the exact same story as I’m repeating here.

On a vaguely related note, I’m going through one of my ‘I hate all my work, everything I’ve ever done is shite and all I ever will write is shite’ moments. In time, this too will pass, as it always does and I’ll look back and laugh. But for right now I’m in crisis.

Andy came up with a fantastic, grand, majestic, sweepingly epic story idea for me to write. But I can’t do it. Because I am lame and cannot write something that grand, majestic and sweepingly epic despite the fact that I would desperately love to. I just don’t feel I have sweeping epic-ness in me. I’m a short story girl, not a epic high fantasy girl. The very idea he gave me dwarfs my comprehension and quite literally sent me scurrying to hide under my duvet.

Gods, I suck. And what’s lamer is I’m so eloquent in my suckieness.

Blargh.

And why, oh why, do I always feel so nauseous when I’m on? If it wasn’t for the fact I’m bleeding copiously out of my vagina, I’d think I was pregnant or something! *wants to go throw up now*

I get the excessive bleeding, it doesn’t bother me that much any more. I don’t even really mind the occasional aches ana pains. But what I hate is the cramps.

I know my cramps aren’t as bad as other people’s, especially not those on the pill, but still. They turn up at the most annoying times, like when I’m stood in the middle of the road. That’s really not the best place to want to curl up and die from an excessively painful tummy cramp.

Stupid female genitalia.

Yes, alas and alack for me, it seems I’ve gotten to that age where the lessons learned in one’s formative years announce their progression into wisdom by the arrival of very large, very painful and wholly unnecessary teeth.

I’ve known about the tooth for some time, at least a few years, but thus far it hadn’t done anything. Little did I know it was lurking there, in the back of my mouth, plotting to make sure it could cause me the most pain when it finally came through. Last weekend it decided to make an experimental foray into the rest of my mouth. Oh and gods! It hurt like hell. The insidious tooth made eating painful to say the least, and almost impossible at some points.

So I dutifully sucked down paracetamol every four hours and pasted the tooth in question with insipid banana flavored bonjela, but it didn’t really help; the pain was in the very bones of my face, in my cheek bone making my ear hurt and in my jaw bones making the rest of my face hurt. The only good thing to come out of this so far has been the acquisition of Farley’s Rusks, bought because at the time, it was literally the only thing I could eat.

Just out of interest, I decided to search for ‘wisdom teeth’ on wikipedia, and got this:
Wikipedia wrote:
‘In Japanese, its name is Oyashirazu, literally meaning “unknown to the parents” from the idea that they erupt after a child has moved away from home.’
Maybe that’s why it’s suddenly making a break for it…

It’s friday night. Aren’t we glamorous 20-somethings supposed to be out partying the night away, getting pissed out of our skulls and having a generally jolly old time of it?

We are, aren’t we? Or did I miss that memo…

Yes, I’m bored out of my tiny little mind right now. I have nothing to do. Nothing. Monkey and Dan are hiding in their rooms, Andy is technically still at work, no one is online, I’ve watched all the digital movies I want to, I can’t watch anything on disk because my DVD drive isn’t talking to the PC and I’m boooored. Oh and my wisdom tooth is hurting. Scowl

I don't know what's up with me just lately. So far all this week I've felt... weird. Skittish, unsettled. I can't seem to concentrate on any task for over five minuets and none of my current projects seem to be interesting me. Outside it's really lovely - Sun is shining bright, it's breezy and fresh, but not too chilly. All the daffodils are out, and it feels so spring like.

Maybe that's all it is - Spring Fever, hitting me early. Real early too, since it's not even March yet.

*Sigh* What to do with myself?

I'm about a week into this going-back-to-eating-gluten thing and aside from the many and various physical side effects [bloating, acid reflux, headaches, tight chest, vanishing voice and thick phlemg to name a few], I'm wondering if there are any emotional side effects. All week I felt like I wasn't able to do anything. I felt like my brain was all fuzzy, and I was very listless. Nothing interested me and what did, I couldn't seem to focus on for long and I kept bursting into tears for no apparent reason.

I have been reminded very much of the time I spent at uni, where I pretty much lived on pasta and toast. During that time I was... Well, I suppos the only way I can describe it, is that I seemed to be deeply deppressed with no reason. During the last few weeks of the term I stopped doing anything. I stopped going to classes, I stopped going to my clubs, I stopped going outside my room pretty much full-stop and eventually I stopped doing anything but sitting on my bed and stairing into space or randomly bursting into tears.

I'm not saying that my diet nessisarily had anything to do with that state of affairs. Nor am I saying that I'm going to turn into that person again [at least, I hope not]. All I'm saying is it's interesting the simmilary between the two events.

Guess which idiot got on the wrong bus today? Oh yes, that's right, it was me. I didn't want to wait for an M2, so I saw what I thought was a #15 and legged it. Turns out it must have been a 14 or a 16, because instead of turning the corner at the Shar of Persia, it carried straight on towards Constitution Hill Luckily I was able to get off at the bottom of the hill and walk along Danecourt Rd, but I ain't doing that again.

On a related note, this girl with crutches got on the bus to Broadstone today. What slightly irritates me is that there are 10 seats at the front of the bus given over to 'the elderly, the disabled and those less able to stand'. 4 of these 10 seats were taken. She took one look at those 4 that were taken and started muttering to herself. She propted her crutches against the side of the luggage rack and started hobbling towards the back of the bus complaining, fairly loudly, how no one had gotten up and offered their seat to her and how there was no where to sit at the front of the bus. I will point out that those taken 4 seats where filled with elderly people.

This sort of behaviour really annoys me. To expect someone to give up their seat when there are 5 others specifically for people like her, just because she's disabled, just astonishes me. I don't understand how someone could be so... rude. It's people like that who make me want to say 'fuck you. I don't care if you're disabled, you're an asshole'. Maybe she mentally disabled too...

Yesterday it rained a little. I became slightly cold and a little damp around the edges. I could deal with that.

Today it rained a lot. I became well chiled, and by the time I got home I felt like a drowned rat. I feel like crap now, and in a I'm-so-fing-bored-but-I-feel-so-icky-I-don't-want-to-do-anything-mood. Oh and my trousers got wet and I can't find any others so I'm sat here with a fleace throw wraped around my legs.

And just merr in general I guess.

Gah: I had a drive through today, my first proper one. It was a 4x4 going at least 40mph [instead of the 30 it should have been doing] and it almost hit a little girl. Afterwards I couldn't decide if I was going to cry or throw-up, so I did both. Ah, the wonders of addrenalin rushes.

Yay: Just watch it okay? It's made me feel a lot better. That and the chocolate and Dr Pepper.

I don't think I've still quite got the hang of dealing with children. But I think the point I need to remember is that even if they look like adults and act like adults they are still children underneath

Case in point:

Today as I was walking up to the bus stop one of the girls that I see and cross regularly was standing about 300 yard away from the buss stop. I don't know whether it was seeing me that made her start walking or whether she had decided to go back into the school, but as she approched the bus stop I could see her face was bright red in the bad way, and when I asked her what was wrong she said in floods of tears that her mum hadn't come to pick her up yet. But then the bus turned up and the diver opened the doors and was waiting for me to get on, so I just said 'go back into the school and call you mum' and left her there.

The thing is I keep getting the feeling I should have asked if she wanted me to go with her. She was obviously upset and worried, and I sure as hell know what that feels like. Remeber that key point I mentioned above? I think I forgot it. When you're an adult, you're expected to suck it up and deal. But she wasn't, she might have been 13 but that's still not an adult, even by a long shot.

And I feel really crappy that I didn't even ask if she wanted me to go with her.

I need to find a new title for the novel I just wrote. The MOW Files isn't bad, it's just that it's also the name of the whole canon and I think it sounds silly. Bah

Any ideas?

I was all set up for making my Christmas presents: I got all the ingredients out, I got all the equipment, I got the recipe in front of me, I switch on the scales to measure stuff and poof! 'Low battery'

Grrr

I'll just have to drop into wilko tomorrow and find another one. They had better have them. I am not going to be thwarted by a battery, even if it is a stupid single cell Tianqiu Lithium CR2032 one.

Grr...

My left shoulder and bicept and muscles around the shoulder blade have been hurting for a couple of weeks and won't stop. My eyes feel all prickly and my eye sockets hurt. I have a horrible headache and I have sinus ache [like when you have a blocked up nose or cold]. I've felt sick and dizzy and slightly feint since yesterday morning and this morning really just wanted to go and throw up. I'm cold and can't seem to be warm. Anything Andy says or does to me lately seems excessivly mean, uncaring and unsupportive and if he doesn't understand me he makes it seem like I'm the stupid one if we're with someone else. Asshole drivers keep driving around my stick when I put it out because people want to cross. And we've had our [my] blue box stolen.

When I was very very small, I had the same trouble sleeping as I do now - that it took me several hours to get anything near sleep. I would be put to bed, I would be read to, settled down... and just lie there, listening to what was going on outside my bedroom door, wishing I could go out there and join in because I hated feeling alone like that. At this same time my mother was a guide county commisioner, meaning she had lots of guide meetings all the time. Which also meant she didn't like her 4 year old daughter keep disturbing said meetings. so I use to lie awake and cry myself to sleep because I was lonely and wanted to go out there in the light and be with my mother.

When I was in year 5, we were doing something with large boxes that had been kept in storage for ages. As seems to be the theme now, I was with a group of boys. The teacher had gone out the room for somereason and I inadvertantly admited I was afraid of the spider in my groups box. They held my arms and held me in palce whilesomeone approched me with said spider. I screamed and I begged and no one came forward to help me or to tell them to stop, even those few people I thought where my freinds.

Some time later, also in year 5, so bitch had the great idea she would bully me about the spider thing, about my weight, about everything. When what she was doing came out, I had at least 6/7 people say they would protect me, they would help me. And to think I actually belived them. One break/ lunch time, as said bitch turned up, I swear to god, they all ran, leaving me, on my own, to deal with her.

Later still, my two 'best freinds', admitedly through uncontrolable circumstances, both left me at the same time in year 6.

I spent about 2 years of my shcool life with no freinds. At all. there were some people I hung out with, and some people in my classes who didn't specifically hate me. But there was no one I would have called my freind.

In year 8 I was bitter, didn't get close to anyone. Didn't want to get close to anyone. But a girl called emma rye followed me everywere, wanted my freindship. The bitch that I am, I made her work really hard for it. I opened myself up again, only to have two girls in my class who I thought liked me completly turn on me for no reason. I shut off again. Can you blame me?

It was about year 9 that Kat turned up. Asked me to the H's to spend lunch with her and her group. I was sceptical. I think I went only because it was possibly better than sitting in the canteen getting food thrown at me. Kat, God bless her, actually gave a damn. Her friends didn't seem overly keen, but they accepted me. I still didn't open up. I got a well deserved rep for being a scary bitch who faught with all the boys [and when I say 'boys' I mean geeks].

So, through years 10 - 14 I didn't have it too bad freind wise. We formed a tightish circule: Me, Ryan, Kat, Woody, Amy and Charlie. Occasionally we had additions like Luke, Ross, G, Greg, Si Malinson, Gregor, Micheal and Konrad, but that was the core group. And... to a point they weren't too bad I guess. But they had a tendancy to ditch me every now and again. Or they'd say 'wow, that was fantastic, you should come next time' and I would and it'd be shit. Or I'd walk into a room and people'd stop talking, or even leave soon after I'd arrived. The worse is, they'd say I was being paranoid. Like hell.

I can point to a few specific examples. I wanted to go camping for my 18th. My mum was ready to book and pay for everyone's tent lot, even if she didn't go herself. I got excuses like, I'm going to France, 3 days is too long, I'm not really a camping person. The very next year Charlie says for her 19th she wants to camping. The responses? 'Yeah I'd love to, sound really cool and fun!', despite the fact that she didn't book her lots and didn't get the site she wanted, nor did her mother offer to pay for everything.

My second example is from that selfsame trip. Right at the end just before everyone left the site, they all decide they wanted to go to Swanage. 'Yeah, that'd be cool.' we all say [because frankly kat and I had wanted to go on the saturday or something]. So I get all excited, we put all kat's stuff in andy and mine's tent so it's safe, and go to get in the cars and Luke and Ross very deliberatly tell me 'There is room for Monty and Kat, but not for you.' Charlie and a bunch of others are within hearing distance make absolutly no comment on how this is totally unfair to suggest that I sit at the site, all on my own and wait for my mum to come get me and all Kat, Andy and my stuff.

Then this stuff started happening more and more often, so I fainally gave in and said, fuck you. I never want to talk to any of you again. And then they had the gall to suggest I was over reacting.

Again, like hell.

So for the next couple of years I swim through life with pretty much just andy and kat. And I'm happy. There is no one to hurt me, no one to make me feel bad about myself, no one to leave me.

And now this - I get fed up with the mealstrom around me. I get tired of thinking and worry about every one. I get exausted, with out even really knowing it, that I'm being trodden on and expected to support everyone that I just give. I have to do something about it, so I do and I get wailed on for it. I want to do one thing for myself and I get wailed on for it.

And now, this morning... Lats night, w/e. I get conviced to go into a place that is bad for my health, and when it turns out to be more than my body can handle, I feel like I'm being diched again by everyone. I know I walked off, but if you all couldn't have been bothered to come out and talk with me about what you wanted to do when you knew I couldn't come back in, I figured you wouldn't want to be bothered with doing something that would be good for my lungs, and like hell was I going to stand outside any more than was nessisary looking like a pize lemon.

I know you don't see it, but let me tell you, I have a disability and I do get fracked off occasionally when I don't feel you appriciate that fact. I don't care that it doesn't seem obvious, but do you honestly think I take two pills and technically three inhalors a day for fun? Do you really think I'm just spouting garbage when I say I can't have this or that, then cheat and have a tiny amount of said somethings when I'm out? You know why it's never obvious? It's beacuse I try to take care of myself. I try to follow my doctors orders. And if I don't, I do suffer for it.

Do you know what it was like for me? It was like someone had a band around my chest and while I was on the dance floor, even when I wasn't, it was like someone was pulling that band tighter and tighter. So I go outside, I have a rest, breath clean air, the band loosens and I think I'm fine. I walk back in and it's like the band instantly tightens again. Okay, that wasn't like the three time's I've practically had an attack, or the Christmas I came back from Uni and I didn't have any inhalours to take and I had to walk back from the cinima to andy's via Kat's [aka, the long way] and I honest to gods couldn't breath. At all. To say that it was scary is an understatetment. That's why I carry the blue puffer around with me every where.
So I don't care if you don't think so, but it's there and it's real and it affects me just the same as does any debilitating disability.
Okay random digression from the point over. Except now I can't remember what the point was... Eh. Night.

I will not be guilted, brow-beaten or blackmailed into being censored or otherwise told what to write in my blog.

This is my space to tell the world what I'm thinking, what I'm doing or what I'm feeling. If you don't like what I have to say, then fuck the hell off and don't read.

And yes, now I might be a wee bit drunk.

For crying out loud people, we're all grown adults. We should be over this juvenile, immature playground he said, she said bullshit by now! Seriously, I feel like everyone in my current friends group has regressed back to high school age. I know Kat said it's okay, and it's normal and shit because some part of our brain isn't fully developed and all that jazz, but really. I still feel like we should be over it by now.

Okay, so it's really early and I'm not thinking straight probably, but I really want to get this all out of my head and I really don't care over much who reads it and who gets offended or whatever. There is so much crap flying at the moment that something needs to give and it need to all be out in the open.

I guess 'The Summer of Discontent' started back around May/ June when Kat cheated on Alex with her house mate at the time Sebastian. At the time Kat was still at Uni in Exeter, and Alex was working and living in London. They had, what seemed like, a fairly stable long distance relationship for about a year and 9 months, when the strain just got too much I guess. Kat started developing feelings for her house mate, and as things often do, one thing lead to another. But Kat told me it wasn't just that she'd developed feelings for another person that made her break up with Alex, it was also that he seemed to motherly to her too, like he was smothering her. As there always is, there were other reasons, however I don't recall them. So Kat breaks up with Alex, starts being with Seb. Alex goes through a really horrible patch, getting very drunk, hurting himself, working too hard, accusing Seb of things that were no way true. But I suppose it's understandable when you remember Alex was gonna ask Kat to marry him.

So, a couple of weeks later Alex comes down to see me and mine for the weekend, to get away from London, and, well, everything. Enter new couple: Jade and Greg.

Jade and Greg have their own fiascos, most of which centre around miscommunication, unwillingness to compromise, not spending time together and confidence issues on the rightness of their relationship. They were engaged too, for about two years. Enter Major. Major was there for Jade when Greg wasn't. He listened when Greg didn't. He spent time with her when Greg was too busy. You see where this is going? Jade developed feelings for Major, feelings he would have happily reciprocate if only she weren't with Greg. But eventually she chose Greg. Poor Major though still had those feelings for her. Alcohol is a wonderful lubricant, no? It waxed that way for him to say exactly what he felt, but of course Jade rejected him, and it seems to me it broke him, but that in it's self is a whole other post.
So, Alex comes down to see me and mine, and falls instantly, it seems, for jade [who's still with Greg at this point - try to keep up], just as I'm starting to fall slightly for him. Trouble is, she falls for him too, harder than me, for sure. Poor boy has to leave the Monday morning, around 5ish, but not before Jade and I make plans to come up and see him the next Monday and stay till Thursday.

The intervening week Jade and Greg break up. Jade wants a break to see how it goes with Alex. Greg is having none of it and breaks it off completely. So I'm supposed to be going up with Jade to chaperone [since they're both on the rebound] and keep her company during the day when Alex is at work. Well, I screwed that one up didn't I?

Next day I find out he asked her out while I was comatose from drink on the sofa, and she said yes. That was kinda lots of painful. Not as bad as them sat on the stairs Monday, 1am, weekend later, so I couldn't say goodbye to the man I'd kinda fallen for despite saying I hadn't, despite that fact I had my own boy and who I'd been there for and nursed through a particularly nasty break up with my best girl friend.

Anyway.

It's just about time to introduce couple number three, but if memory serves, there's some more fun with Greg in the mean time. Except memory isn't serving that well, save to say Greg realised what a complete numb-nut he'd been in loosing Jade and tried all sorts of crap to get her back, most of which hurt and confused her and just made Alex really angry. One specific thing I do recall was Greg's little attempt to reveal certain facts about Jade's past concerning an 'addiction' of hers. He had the apparent gall to suggest that Alex was going to feed said addiction. Something to do with the fact his parents are both Pharmaceutical Chemists. Yeah, memory's really fuzzy at this juncture so we'll more right along to couple number Three: Duane and Mayra. And also it's probably time to introduce Monkey. And if you never hear from me again, it will be because someone has killed me because of this bit.

So Ma [Mayra's nick - means 'evil' in Portuguese] has been in the country, after moving from Brazil, for about 5 years as I hear tell, and she's been with Duane for 3 of those. She has bouts of depression, lets her feelings out in poem form. Duane is addicted to role playing of the Dungeons and Dragons geek-style variety and plays for several hours just about every night. Once again, their problems seem to stem from miscommunication and not spending time with each other. Enter the Monkey. He's sweet, caring, listens like you wouldn't believe. He's what they call a 'nice guy'. Hell, I had a mini-crush on him when we moved in and all was chaos and Andy kept working really late. It's easy to see why she's fallen for him, is the point I'm making. Don't get me wrong, Duane's not a bad guy. I like him very much, I think he'd be a good mate if I knew him better. But, Monkey and Ma weren't very subtle about it. They really really weren't. I have the slight benefit of hindsight here, but even so, most people twigged at least four weeks ago, the denser of us about a week ago. But we all lied to her about the knowing. Maybe she knows that now, I don't know again, but I feel bad that we lied to her that barely no one knew, even though pretty much everyone did. The worst of it is that no one seems willing to tell Duane. Maybe he's twigged to, but is in denial. I don't know, I haven't seen him for ages. But Monkey and Ma... They've been seeing each other behind Duane's back for at least a week, at time of writing. There: I said what had to be said and should've been said much longer ago. You can shoot me now.

So in between all of this, also back mid July I guess, we have couple number Four: Ryan and Jenny. To be honest, I never really liked her - she was slightly too girly girl, and as I remember her from Church [shut up them as is snickering] she wasn't a very nice person. Just not really our sort of person I guess. Ryan - ah now, there's a sweety. Insane as y'like but the boy got a special place in my heart no matter what. Well, about mid-July they broke up too. She couldn't afford the rent on their place even with a full time job, and so Ryan told me, they just stopped any kinda love they had and figured they were too different to make anything work. At the time he didn't seem all that broke up about it, but then... I haven't seen him in over two weeks and even before then not as such to really sit down and talk with. Poor boy. As far as I can tell he's working extra hours to pay for his roof.

And now to bring us a little more current, the latest little contretemps that Greg and Jade had, that rather unfortunately indirectly involved me and Andy, and our relationship. This Saturday just gone, Jade and Greg and some others went to Rubyz. They got wasted. Greg kissed Jade, who wasn't very happy about such and Greg of course feels very stupid so decided to bring up the fact I still kinda like Alex and implied heavily that Alex and I were having some sort of affair. His justification of this was based on the fact that 'according to Andy' I spend way to much time with Alex, and I fawn over Alex and Alex does nothing to 'fend [me] off'. Apparently this makes Andy very jealous and very upset. This is bullshit twisted from Andy complaining that I bitch about spending time with him and then go off with other people or do other things, where 'Andy complaining' has been twisted into 'Andy being jealous and upset', 'other stuff' into 'Sex', and 'with other people' I suppose into 'with Alex'.

Also, I shan't deny that I still like Alex and wouldn't mind him as more than a freind, but this whole this about me being with him too much is bull too. Now Jade's in the picture, Alex and I are no where near as close [as in physical and mental] as we were during his and Kat's break-up. And to, I won't deny it still pisses me off that I feel like I kinda got tossed aside. But I don't resent anyone for that - it's my own bloody stupid fault for getting so attached, even if I wasn't aware.

I'd like to add one more small thing about Jade and Greg. You both say you've moved on from each other, and don't like each other any more. Then would you kindly act like it? Jade - stop using Greg's money, stop using him as your own personal chauffeur. Greg - stop being her slave, stop doing everything she asks, do not immediately leap up when she asks for something. Most of all, both of you, for gods's sake, stop acting couple-y.

This is the first time in this whole three month-ish fiasco that I've actually been really pissed off and then exhausted by something that's been said and/ or done. The only good things that came from this latest thing was a re-affirmation of Andy and I's relationship, and a rather nice e-mail from Alex thanking us for putting up with everything.
Sometimes I feel that Andy and I are the only adults in this group and that we're parenting a whole bunch of hormonal teens...

I think I've said all that needs to be/ can be said at this point, though technically summer isn't over until the first of September. That means there's a week and a day for things to get worse....

I swear to god, I just slept for 40 minutes and now I'm godsdamn awake. I mean really awake, like, could do trig awake.

This isn't fair

I hate that! I mess something up in Morrowind, and someone's watching me, and they say 'Don't you have a save game?' so I say yes, and hit 'save' and show them. They say 'why don't you load it then?' so I click on it, forgetting I'm in save mode not load, and click okay in the dialouge that pops up not reading it, so them I've over written the save game that I could have used. I only do it beacuse some one's distracting me. Stupid people.

[I need to learn mark and recall too...]