Writing

Presently she was woken from her revive buy a soft touch on her shoulder. She turned to see Jeremiah smiling at her.
"Breakfast is served Ma'am," he said bowing in mock imitation of Jeffreys. She giggled compulsively at the sight of him.
"Very good Jeeves," she responded, mock imperiousness in her tone. "Carry on."
"Yes, of course ma'am, this way please." Still giggling, she followed him from the sitting room to a dining room. Madame Fox was already seated and eating. Jeremiah walked to a chair and pulled it out, motioning for Tayna to sit. She did so, and he sat opposite her.
"Mmh," Madame Fox murmured. "A wonderful spread, a delectable banquet, a veritable feast. Bravo, Mr Jones, Bravo indeed. Who knew such a good cook hid under that mop of hair, that mane, that thatch?" Tayna saw Jeremiah blush as she reached to sample some of the 'delectable feast'. She took a bite of the egg. It was cooked to perfection; bright orange, warm, runny. She tried the hash brows, the sausage, the bacon, the black pudding, the bread, the beans, the coffee the orange juice. It was all just right, a picture-perfect meal. They ate in a companionable and appreciative silence until Madame Fox leant back in her chair and game a mighty sigh.
"Now," she said, "if that doesn't nail your feet to the floor, then I don't know what would. Bravo again, Jeremiah Jones, bravo." She gave a small applause, before leaning back forwards. "And now, if we are all done?" She glanced around the table. Tayna nodded that she had finished eating.
"I have had sufficient. Thank you Jeremiah, it was very pleasant." From under his curls Jeremiah blushed and nodded both his thanks and to indicate he had finished eating also.
"On to business then," Madame Fox continued. "-"
"What is it?" Tayna asked before noticing the small fluffy pink dragon that had randomly appeared in the middle of the dining table. "Oh," she said. "Er...?"
"Hi," said the small pink fluffy dragon brightly and maybe even perkily. "My name's Bob. I'm here as a filler moment while the author thinks of something decent to write, whilst still upping her word count. As soon as I vanish in a puff of pink fluffy smoke you'll forget I ever existed and then get on with whatever the author has decided to do with you."
"Can I ask a question before you go?" Tayna asked.
"Sure," said Bob, the pink fluffy dragon, still being perky.
"Why is it always a puff of smoke?"
"Ooh. I don't know," he said in a bright yet thoughtful voice. "I'll ask her for you," he said, before disappearing in a puff of pink glitter just for something different.
"Now then. Down to business, yes, down to business. Tayna, Jeremiah and I will go and gather my equipment. I will fetch the car keys if you could be a dear and go along to the garage and get the old dear of my car warmed up and ready to go. We will then proceed to the site I have in mind and we can begin the test. I will, of course, explain more once we get there. Sound good to everyone?" Both Tayna and Jeremiah nodded.
"Come along then, come along, chop chop," Madame Fox clapped her hands together and stood up. "I'll go and get the car keys while you two little lambs, little dears clean up, hum? Okay then, go to!" She added when they nodded their assent, and left the room to get the car keys. Tayna looked over to Jeremiah. He was already clearing the plates away, so she followed suit. Presently Madame Fox came back and handed a set of keys to Tayna.
"Go left from this room, take the second door off the stairs, then the first right, then right again, then the first left. Hop up and down on one leg until you reach a painting, face it, count to ten then go through the door behind you, and you'll see my beautiful old banger. Got all that?"
"Uh, I think so... Left, second door, right, right, left, painting, count to ten, turn around."
"Right. We will be along shortly," Madame Fox smiled brightly at her. "Come along then Jeremiah."
She fairly flounced out of the room, with poor Jeremiah in tow.
"Good luck," he whispered to her in passing.
"Thanks," she replied, "I think I may need it."

As it turned out Madame Fox's directions were spot on. Tayna duly went left until she reached a small spiral staircase leading down, then took the second door into a chilly stone corridor, took the first right then another right. Turning left she came to a much warmer corridor, despite also being made of stone, and hopped along a it until she found a painting of a gentleman on a horse with hunting hounds. Facing it she counted under her breath, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi, six Mississippi, seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi, ten Mississippi!" She turned to find a door had indeed appeared behind her while she had been counting. Opening it she found herself in a huge hangar like room, full of old cars and motorbikes and even a small plane. Tayna groaned. She walked down the first aisle of cars looking at them, then she came across one that proclaimed it's self to be a Swallow. It was a pretty blue colour and she saw that it would comfortably hold all of them and Madame Fox's equipment. She just knew that it was the one.
Taking the key from her pocket she sat in the driver's seat and inserted the key into the ignition. It slid in. Always a good sign. She though. Tayna turned it. The Swallow started with a bit of a cough and a splutter but soon Tayna had it purring like a kitten. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel waiting for the others to arrive, when she got the distinct feeling she was being watched. She gripped the steering wheel before suddenly turning around. A man was sat in the back seat, on the passenger's side. Tayna let out a yelp and jumped, before recovering herself.
"I'm terribly sorry," she said. "I didn't think anyone was in here. Are you a frie-"
"Don't go with her," the man said, cutting her off.
"I'm sorry, wha-?"
"She thinks you can help. You can't. Don't go with her."
"Look, I don-" Tayna suddenly sneezed, cutting herself off. When she had recovered again, she looked back to the man. "I don't know..." She trailed off. There was no long anyone sitting there. Odd. She thought. Just then there was a tap on the windscreen. She turned back and jumped again. "Gods, Jeremiah, didn't your mama ever teach you not to sneak up on people?"
"Oh, sorry," he said, not really sounding very sorry, "Did I startle you? Come and give me a hand with this junk." Tayna got out of the car.
"Where is herself?" she asked. "You know, Madame Fox?"
"Oh she had something to do before we left. Probably go to the little mad scientist's room," he grinned.
"Good," said Tayna, seriously. "Listen, I just had a.. a ghost I suppose, tell me not to go with Madame Fox to this place that we're going."
"Seriously," he asked. She nodded. "For real?"
"Yes for gorramn real! What are we going to do?"
"Did it give a reason why?"
"Uh, no. It said, and I quote: 'Don't go with her. She thinks you can help. You can't. Don't go with her.' What do you think?"
"I think if it - "
"He."
"If he didn't give a really explicit reason then we should go."
"But-" Jeremiah sighed and took hold of her shoulders, looking full into her face.
"Do you trust me?"
"Well, uh, I-"
"Do you trust me?" He asked again, softer, looking right into her eyes. She squirmed a bit under his gaze. She bit her lip.
"I guess..."
"I really think we need to go. I think this is another one of those things we just have to do."
"Huh!" she snorted, stepping back and pulled out of his grasp. "Easy for you to say, all you will have to do is stand and take notes I expect. I'm the one who's going to have the chronic sneezing fit!"
"No, I'll be with you," he touched her pouting face gently. "Promise. And I'll bring tissues," he smiled at her. She crossed her arms against him. And tuned away.
"I don't know. I just... I have a bad feeling about this now." All of a sudden they could hear singing.
"Well you'd better make up your mind soon, she's coming." Jeremiah told Tayna.
"I... I don't know. Gah! I... I need to take a moment." She stepped back again and swiftly turned on her heal. She quickly stepped away from the Swallow and wandered amongst the other cars. They can't make me do anything I don't want to do, no one can. She leant against the bonnet of another car, arms crossed, her back to Jeremiah and Madame Fox. She was close enough to hear that they were talking, far enough away to not be able to make out the words. I know I don't have to do this. I don't want to do it. I have such a horrible, twisted feeling in my gut about the whole thing... And yet he said... he said it was something that had to be done, to move on. How does he know? Do I really trust him? I'm sure he's keeping something from me, even after all this, all we've gone through. She put her face in her hands. What do I do? She felt what seemed to be a hand glide down her spine and something in her heart say, -Do what you think needs to be done-. And what is that? I guess I won't really know unless I go with them and find out what it is Madame Fox wants of me. Yes, I suppose that's what need to be done right at this moment. I guess I'm going then... She stood up and walked back to the little blue swallow. The car was already packed, Jeremiah sat in the back and Madame Fox behind the wheel. Tayna opened the passenger door without a words and slid in.
"Lets go," she said quietly.

They pulled up to a large formal manor, the kind usually reserved for dukes and earls, and got out.
"This is one of the most haunted places around here," Madame Fox explained as they got out and began walking to unpack the car. "Both the house and the garden are stocked to the brim with ghouls and ghosties. This is how I think we should work it, yes. Mr Jones will go with you Tayna, with a Geiger counter to measure if there are any spirits close to you, I will be able to see his reading also. We will set up a base camp in on of the ground floor rooms. Here take this," she handed Tayna and Jeremiah two piles of equipment, and shut and locked the car. "Follow me," she continued, proceeding to walk up the steps to the front door of the house. "I'll explain more once we are set up and inside."
"Uh, Madame Fox, does anyone live here?" Tayna asked, feeling like they were trespassing on private property.
"Oh, no. It's been empty for a while. Some organisation owns it, but they don't open it at the moment." Madame Fox stopped a turned to look at them. "Don't worry dear, I have gotten us permission to be here. It okay in that regard." She carried on walking up the steps to the door, which she opened with a large brass key. "Come along then, come along inside." She waited until they had all entered then shut the door. "I believe the kitchen would be a good place to set up. Yes. Follow me please." Madame Fox lead the way down winding corridors to a large stone kitchen, rather more modest than her own. Wow, this place is almost as much of a maze as Madame Fox's house, Tayna though as she was impressed.
Once everything had been set up to Madame Fox's satisfaction, she told them her plan.
"We'll do a sweep of the house now, so you can get the layout, then we'll do another tonight." Madame Fox told them. "I don't expect you find anything on this sweep."
"What exactly are we looking for? More to the point, who are we looking for?" Tayna asked. Madame Fox looked confused.
"No one dear," she replied. "This is simply a test to see if your sweet security guard, your dearest Joe, was right."
"Oh, I see," Tayna replied, slightly crestfallen. She had been hoping Madame Fox would give her a clue to what is is she couldn't help with, but that she had to do regardless to move on.
"Tayna, why don't you go and prepare for the sweep while I show to Jeremiah how to work the Geiger counter?"
"Prepare? I don't understand." Madame Fox turned back, and looked at her almost crossly. She sighed as if trying to explain a simple concept to a particularly stupid child.
"Most sensors, yes all but a few, require time to put their thoughts in order, to become one with the spirit world, yes, to get the feel for what it is they are looking for."
"Oh," Tayna said in a small voice. But then she became indignant as she cast her mind back to the warehouse. "Well, I must not be 'most sensors' I must be one of the few. I was running terrified through that warehouse, sneezing my head off. I'd hardly say my thoughts where 'in order', and I certainly didn't take time to 'become one with the spirit world'." I'll go and have a pee instead, if you don't mind," she announced, moodily, bitchily and with great venom [reader's choice] and walked stiffly back through the kitchen entrance and out into the rest of the house.
"Oh my, oh deary dear. What is wrong with that one?" Madame Fox asked Jeremiah once Tayna had left.
"I wouldn't mind her Madame. She doesn't much want to be here. She said a ghost told her she couldn't help you," Jeremiah explained in bored tones. Madame Fox suddenly went very pale.
"Oh, I see," she said quietly.

Suddenly there was the sound of a record needle being pulled sharply across a moving phonographic record disk. The scene of Jeremiah and Madame Fox sat in a large stone kitchen in a stately house somewhere in rural England froze and was rapidly replaced by a white ambient lit room - no doors or windows and no obvious light source.

In the middle of this room there is a desk. On the desk there sits a computer monitor, key board and mouse, a coffee machine, several unwashed but large mugs, a bag of sweets and a number of two litre soda bottles filled with a dark liquid. A mixture of smooth jazz and quiet classical music fill the room. At the desk is sat a young woman of about 20. As she sits, she types and snacks on the sweets and drinks from the mugs. She seems small, even though sat, and... plump. Yes, that's a nice way to put it. She has longish brown hair with hints of auburn, that currently is falling out of a pony tail, tendrils of hair framing her face. Presently she stops typing and lifts her head to show vibrant blue eyes, sensuous pink-lipped mouth, smallish nose and cute, slightly pointed ears. She smiles, as though she has seen a dear friend.
"Welcome reader!" she says brightly, but then turns serious. "You're probably wondering where we are, and why. Let me explain," she turns and leans forward, resting her hands on the desk in front of herself, pushing the food debris out of the way. "As to the where. Well. This is my mental cell. The place I've put myself so I can't get distracted by pretty things. Unfortunately is hasn't quite worked." She turns the monitor around. On the display is 6 vertical lines of cards and over them, one horizontal one. She shrugs."Yeah, solitaire. Gets every where, seems like. Anyway.
"Let's be frank," she continues. "I suck. I really, really suck at horror. I'm not scary, you're bored out of your tiny little mind, I can't make this section of the story work. So I'm giving up and moving on," she leans back. "Don't get me wrong, this sensor thing is an interesting concept, but one I can't make work right now. I don't have the time to research, to learn about horror, have the bejesuz scared out of me etcetera. So. Moving on to pastures fresh. Something I know I can do and not balls up in such a total manner. A genre I know like the back of my hand," She pauses. "And now, as they say, time for something compleetely different."
The room vanishes to be replaced by a new scene...

"Ooh kay," Tayna said. "What just happened?" She looked around. Some how the stately mansion made of grey stone had vanished and been replaced by a seeming forest of pinky purple trees and orange grass. Jeremiah was stood not far from her, also looking confusedly at his empty hand, in which, a few seconds ago, had been a yellow Geiger counter. He was wearing a pink bunny suit with a bow around his neck.
"Hey, Jeremiah," she called to him. He looked over and hopped towards her.
"Yes?"
"You're wearing a pink bunny suit with a very pretty bow around your neck," she pointed out helpfully. He looked down at himself.
"Why, so I am. You appear to be wearing a blue gingham dress with red shoes and a apron," he frowned. "You have bows on your socks," he added deprecatingly.
"We're being terribly calm about this aren't we?" Tayna commented. Jeremiah looked around.
"Yes. Yes we are," he said.
"Are we dreaming?"
"I don't think so."
"Then what's going on?"
"I think she's finally flipped her lid. Or is committing literary suicide..." Jeremiah muttered, squinting up at a V of flying pigs.
"Who's she?"
"The Cat's mother," replied a voice that was not Jeremiah's. They both turned to see a human sized chip with arms, legs and a cartoon-ish face stood next to a human sized nose with no visible means of propulsion.
"Who's the Cat's mother then?" asked the nose.
"She is," said the chip.
"Her?" the nose asked, pointing to Tayna. "A pleasure to meet you Mrs Mother Cat." The nose gave the impression of doffing it's cap and bowing slightly, without either moving or having a cap to doff. Tayna stared at them.
"She's terribly rude isn't she?" the nose commented. The chip nodded. Tayna shook herself.
"What?" She asked totally confused. "I am not the cat's mother! Nor do I intend to be," she glared at the chip and the nose. Jeremiah stepped slightly in front of her.
"My name is Jeremiah. And who might you two be?"
"I'm Chip," said the nose.
"And I'm Sniff," said the chip. Sniff and Chip? Bloody hell, what were you smoking? ran Jeremiah's thoughts. Literally. Both Tayna and Jeremiah looked in confusion at the string of small red letters with feet that ran between them and Sniff and Chip. The one at the end did a little hop-skip-and-a-jump. Jeremiah blinked, and tried to focus back on the chip and nose.
"The queen of hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer day?" Jeremiah ventured. The chip and the nose gave him a funny look [impressive since the nose didn't have a face].
"God, you're weird," said Sniff disparagingly. "Come on Chip." It turned to go, as Chip stuck its self up in the air at Jeremiah, then followed suit. Tayna and Jeremiah watched them skip away.
"I'm weird? I'm not the giant cartoon chip," he glanced at Tayna. She was staring after them.
"Tay, are you okay?" He asked.
"What. in the bloody. Fucking. Hell. Just. Happened?"
"Pass," he replied quickly. "Come on." He grabbed her hand, and tugged her into walking. They walked through the strange coloured forest until they came to a river. It was black, and seemed to fizz slightly. Tayna gave it a raised eyebrow, before casting up and down, looking for a bridge. Jeremiah looked at it suspiciously. He went to the water's edge and dipped a hand in. Since he wasn't in agonising pain he cupped the hand and lifted some of the liquid to his mouth to taste it. It seems to have the consistency of crude oil... Could it be? The red letters floated past him.
"That's starting to get irritating." He muttered, seemingly to himself. Ripples in the liquid just in front of him reformed its self into: ^.^ He plunged his hand through the image and brought a handful of the liquid up again to taste. It tasted like fruity cola. He stood, shook his hand off and brushed off his knees.
"It bloody well is as well," he muttered to himself, but Tayna heard.
"What is?"
"The river. It's a river of Darkliquid." Tayna looked over at the river, and noted that it was black, and fluidic.
"Yes. Well done. It does appear to be a river of dark liquid. How observant of you," she told him patronisingly.
"No, I meant -" He let out his breath in a rush. "Never mind, in-joke." Tayna gave him a look before shaking her head.
"I found a bridge. Up that way," she gesticulated upstream.
"Okay lets go. It's better than trying cross this," he gesticulated at the river. "We'd be stoned by the time we got the other side. Although, if the people, and I use that term advisedly, here are drinking this then it explains a lot..." This time it was Tayna's turn to catch hold of Jeremiah's hand and tug him into walking to the bridge. It turned out to be father than it looked, Probably due to some sadistic urge on the part of the author, Jeremiah though, then cursed as red letters proclaiming his thought spun around his ankle. He kicked them away before Tayna could see. When they arrived, the pair found that the bridge seemed to be made of sweets; it had nut brittle planks, candy canes holding up the hand rail that was sticks of rock. The whole structure was pinned together with extra long hard foam T rivets and tied with strawberry laces. Wow, it looks so nummy, Tayna though. And watched the little red letters run across the bridge.
"I'll thank you not to eat this bridge," drawled a polished British accent from somewhere.
"I wasn't going to eat it, I just thought it looked nice," Tayna said hotly, then realised she was arguing with nothing.
"Oh, well, in that case, come right across," said the voice again. Jeremiah grabbed Tayna's arm, and pointed. Hovering above the left railing was a pink fluffy pair of wings. Red letters reading 'My god, they're pink and fluffy?' ran across the bridge.
"Do you have a problem with my wings Jeremiah?" asked the voice acidly.
"Uh.." he said. As they watched, a snout undissolved in the air. It was pink, and furry, and didn't look very happy. "Pink is okay," Jeremiah tried to sound like he was telling the truth. "And furry is cool too I guess. So, ya know. I guess the two together are really okay."
"You just failed your deception roll sun-shine," the tone changed. "But, ah well. Not really my problem." The pink fluffy snout and wings where joined by the rest of the pink fluffy dragon. Tayna frowned.
"Have we met?" she asked it. The pink fluffy dragon looked shifty.
"No," it said.
"How else could you know his name?" The pink fluffy dragon gave Tayna a unimpressed look.
"Maybe I'm a mind reading pink fluffy dragon. Who's name, incidentally, is Bob."
"Bob? Are you really sure we haven't met before."
"Quite."
"But I seem to recall something about pink smoke..."
"Look, just never mind okay?" it said techily. "So, are you going to cross or not?" Tayna looked at Jeremiah. Jeremiah looked at Tayna. She shrugged.
"Sure," he said, and together they took a step forward... And absolutely nothing happened. No holes appeared in the bridge, no hands reached out and tried to pull them down. They didn't suddenly shoot up into the air on a spring loaded platform, though that might have been funny. The bridge didn't collapse, and the pink fluffy dragon didn't vanish from it's perch on the hand rail.
"Don't look so surprised," it drawled. "She isn't that bad."
"She? Why does everyone keep saying that. Who is 'she'!" Tayna said in exasperation.
"She, shi sho shum. Nee, nee a cup of rum! Follow it here, or follow it there," it replied in a sarcastic sing song voice. "Go on, be a doll. Take the dare." it whispered challengingly as it dissolved bit by bit. There was a small pop as it's wings vanished last. Tayna and Jeremiah looked at where it had been.
"My head hurts," Tayna whined. "I think I'm too sober for this right now."
"Yeah, I know how you feel," said the author.
"Lets keep going," Jeremiah said, completely ignoring the author and praying Tayna hadn't heard her. "Maybe we'll find a pub or something." Tayna sighed.
"Yeah okay." The took another step across the bridge and ended up on the other side. Tayna blinked.
"That was quick..." Jeremiah merely shrugged and they carried on.

They hadn't gone far when there came a yelling from the trees to one side.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! - Oh hello," said a gentleman in a green velvet dinner suit wielding a blunderbuss, as he hurtled out of the trees and stopped abruptly on the path in front of them. "Sorry to startle you, just trying to get hold of a thingumy for that girl, you know, wassisface." Tayna sighed. Fine, I'll play the stupid game, she though, and promptly wished she hadn't as little red letters wrapped themselves around her tummy. Jeremiah gave her a look. She gave him one back. It was very pleasant of them. Anyway, back to making sense.
"I'm sorry," Tayna said to the man, "I don't believe we've met wassisface. Nor have we seen a thingumy come this way. Can you point us in the direction of a pub. You see, we seem to have this overwhelming desire to get as drunk as hell," she said in her most polite conversational tones, and smiled winsomely at the gentleman in the green dinner jacket.
"Oh, that is a dratted thing," said the man, obviously perturbed, as he swing-clicked his fingers. "I believe the pub went that-a-way," he said, pointing back the way he'd come. He then looked at Tayna with a confused look on his face. "Young lady, why are the words 'I'm going insane' hanging from you ear?"
"Huh?" Tanya put her hand up and wrenched the letters from their precarious position on her ear and shoulder, then released them on the ground where they huddled behind her foot. "Oh well, that's probably because I am," she grinned. "Right, well thank you sir," she told the man, "if we see a thingumy, we'll send it back your way. Come along Jeremiah." She started to walk away, down the path of brush that the green velvet dinner suited man carrying a blunderbuss had made. Jeremiah dutifully followed.
"Will you? Won't you? Will you take the dare?" the man called after them. Tayna stopped in her tracks. "Won't you? Will you? Won't you take the dare?" he repeated. Tayna turned back.
"What dare?"
"The plaid hippo knows the way, just get on the first rainbow and then it's straight on till morning once you've hit the duck." Tayna frowned at the man for a moment before smiling in a slightly too bright kind of way.
"'Kay, thanks!" she said brightly and waved back to the man, before turning and walking away.

As they continued walking, Tayna sang a silly, light hearted tune.
"Uh, are you okay?" Jeremiah asked. Tayna stopped walking.
"Wheh?" she asked. "Of course I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be?" She smiled at him, a little manically, he though, then carried on walking.
"I was just wondering... You seem very... happy. Cheerful. Bright. Bouncy. Bubbly." The way he said it indicated he didn't consider this to be a good thing.
"But those are good things to be, surely?" she said. He looked at her, trying very hard not to think She's finally snapped...
"It's just..." he stopped walking, and looked at his hands. "I'm just worried about you, that's all. You seem too happy, if you get what I mean. You should be freaking out, curling in a ball and rocking back and forth. This place... Hell even I'm starting to have trouble staying calm here. It's really is too fucked up." He glanced up at her. Tayna was stood a little way off, framed perfectly in the trees, her head cocked to one side like a curious dog. He blinked and suddenly saw her. She fitted right into the landscape, this funky landscape of orange grass and purple trees and red and blue bushes. This world there everything was back-to-front, and inside-out and upside-down and pulled through some other fourth physical dimension. He knew that she hadn't when they arrived. He wondered what had changed about her. "How are you being so cheerful now? What has changed?" Tayna smiled and walked back to him. She took his face in her hands.
"Honey," she said, "once you learn to go with the flow, everything just gets so much easier." Impulsively she kissed him full on the mouth. When she drew back, she gave him a cute little smile and giggled. Tayna drew back and started to flounce off down the path.
"Come on," she called, "We don't want to be late, now do we?"
"No... Of course not," he said having no idea what they would be late for, but walking on anyway. "What are we going to be late for?"
"The rainbow silly," she dashed back and grabbed his hand, pulling him into a run. "Come on!" she cried. She pulled him through the undergrowth faster and faster, laughing with the sheer delight of running. At first he was confused and scared, feeling sure something terrible was just around the corner, that they would trip and go sprawling or some such other. Then a voice in his heart said, -dude, lighten up!- He suddenly felt different, felt like a clasp had been lifted from his heart. His eyes widened and for the second time that genre he began to really see. Her laughter was infectious, the colours of this world astoundingly bright, the adrenaline rush exhilarating. As they raced along he felt like he could be flying.
Suddenly a clearing came rushing into view, full of lush looking grass. Tayna, with a joyfully insane laugh, practically launched herself at it, dragging Jeremiah through the air with her. They landed in a pile on the grass giggling like children. As the giggles died down, Tayna rolled onto her back staring at the yellow sky and a V of flying pigs. She sighed happily. Jeremiah rolled over on his side watching her, one hand acting as a support between his head and the ground. They lay like this in silence before Tayna broke it.
"You know, I'm actually glad we came here now," she said. "I don't think I've felt this free, this relaxed in a long time. When I was back home, I was always so highly strung, so worried, about everything, even the things I had no control over. But here, it's like someone's guiding my steps. All I have to do is relax, accept it, let the whole thing just flow over me, through me. I think if I tried to resist this place then I really would go mad. Ya know?"
"Yes. Actually, I think I do," Jeremiah told her.
"It's like being a kid again, this feeling of absolute trust," she turned her head so she was looking at him. "Or if you want it another way, I think got religion." She turned back to looking at the cerise sky.
"Tayna." Jeremiah said. She turned back to him.
"Yes?"
"I... I think..."
"GRAAAAH!" They both sat up very quickly.
"What the hell was that?" Tayna asked.
"I don't know," Jeremiah replied. Then, through the trees they could see a huge figure coming towards them. Jeremiah scrambled to his feet.
"Come on!" he said urgently. Tayna was also trying to get her feet. Jeremiah took her hands and tried to pull her up, but they were too late. From the trees emerged the Jabberwocky.
"What? Hey, no, stop," cried Jeremiah. "That's blatant plagiarism!" Okay, so it wasn't the Jabberwocky, it was the... uh... Jabberwaky?
"Oh come on! You can do better than that. God, what happened to originality?" Okay fine. It's the thingumy. Happy?
"Yes." Can we carry on with the story?
"Okay" The scene resumed.
From the trees emerged the Thingumy. It was really really tall and was mostly covered in fur. It had a fish- or dragon-like tail and it's legs seems to be reptilian, like a dinosaur's. It's head held goat-ish horns and a mane, and it's ears hung like a lop rabbit's, with little tufts on the end. On it's hands where three claws and two lobster-like pincers. It's main body was shaped like a bear, but had, for some reason, hedgehog quills on it's back.
"Hullo," it said. Tayna whimpered quite audibly. "Oh now, don't be being scared. I ain'ts about to hurt you." It's voice was thunderingly melodious, a deep baritone, though it made the Thingumy sound quite stupid. "I just wanted to ask if fat nutter with fe blunderbuss had gorne." Jeremiah recovered quickly.
"Yes, yes he has. Went that-a-way, in fact," he pointed back the way they had come.
"Oh fank goodness for fat. Nutter fought I was some kind of muse. Can't imagine how he got fat idea." it scratched it's head. Tayna had also recovered by now.
"Uh, are we on the right road to either catch a rainbow or get to a pub?" she asked. "Or do you know anything about a dare?"
"Duh..." it thought for a moment. "Nope. You needs to find fe plaid hippo to catch a rainbow. But I fink there is a hover-horse stop just down the way, and yes, fere is a pub at the end of fis road, and no I don't fink so... Sorry."
"Okay fa- thank you." Jeremiah said, and to Tayna, "Come on." He took her hand and they began to walk away.
"Bye-bye," said the Thingumy waving. Tayna waved goodbye back.

"Well, that was interesting," Tayna observed brightly as they carried on. "What was it you where going to say though?" Jeremiah flushed.
"It doesn't matter now Tay."
"Oh. Okay," she sounded a bit disappointed. "Um, why have you started calling me 'Tay'?"
"It seemed like a good idea? I think sounds kinda cute too."
"So does that mean I have to call you 'Jer' now?"
"Not if you don't want to," he shrugged.
"Good. That just sounds stupid." They walked in silence again.
"I wonder what a Hover-Horse stop looks like?" Tayna wondered out out loud. "And I'd still like to know what you where going to say Jeremiah. And no one has told me who 'She' is yes either. Or what this dare is. I wonder if it's going to be dangerous because I'm not sure even in my enlightened state that I'd like to go and do something dangerous I mean I've still got my sense of self preservation you know or maybe it will be something silly like drinking lots when we get to the pub I hope it's that that would be cool because I still really feel that need to get completely utterly and blindingly paralytic drunkenly pissed."
"Tay, you are rambling like a NaNo author jazzed up on too much coffee. Stop it."
"I'm sorry." A pause. "Why does that bother you?"
"What does?"
"When I ask you about what you were starting to say before that... thingumy disturbed us?"
"It doesn't," Jeremiah responded shortly. "Could we please drop this?"
"Okay then." A pause again. "So, who is she? Is she someone you love with all your heart and soul and stuff or is she just some girl you know or is she maybe older than your our age, is she your mother or grandmother or some great ancient aunt is she pretty? I bet she's pretty you seem like the guy who'd go for a pretty girl although I think every guy wants a pretty girl or at least someone who he considers to be pretty and sexy and stuff-"
"Gorramnit! Shut up!" Jeremiah exploded, and not in a happy, fun way or a dirty way or a literal way. He was really uber pissed. They both suddenly stopped, Jeremiah because he wanted to shout, and Tayna with surprise. Conveniently they had stopped at the edge of the forest, in a rather open area.
"'She'," Jeremiah continued, "is not my aunt or my mother or my grandmother. Nor is she my true love, whom I love with all my heart and soul and whatever shit you just spouted. She's the gorramn author of this novel that you and I are stuck in at the moment! And as of the end of this very sentence she still has thirty three thousand, six hundred and forty-eight words to go!" Tayna blinked a little.
"What?"
"You heard me! She pulled us into her story for some crappy writing competition! And it's her who's made this world and it's her who's messing with us, poking the proverbial stick through the cage at us, throwing stupid situations at us to see what we'll do! Everything that has happened is her fault! Everything!" Tayna's eyes went very wide, and she went ever so slightly paler than usual. Her mouth opened ever so slightly, making her face into a rictus of shock. A small strangled expulsion of air escaped her agape mouth.
"Oh my. I see you finally told the girl. She's going to be terribly unhappy now," drawled that sarcastic and patronising English voice. Jeremiah was stood panting slightly due to his little outburst, arms tight to his sides, fists clenched. He ignored the voice, still only just realising exactly what he'd said and how he'd said it. Tayna continued to stare at him in horror. Jeremiah couldn't decide if she was about to faint or if she had just shut down completely. "You've given a major plot point away. Of course, this one's going to be unhappy too. Two women unhappy and at odds with you," the voice continued, being joined by a pair of wings that floated on a branch to the side. "You really aren't a very cleaver boy are you?"
"You can shut the fuck up too," Jeremiah growled at the invisible Bob.
"Ooh, touchy," the dragon, who was still pink and fluffy, muttered sardonically, but shut up none the less. They all stood silently staring at each other, Jeremiah still too angry at Tayna and pissed off with himself to move, Bob the pink fluffy dragon because he was told to, and Tayna... Well Tayna seems to be in shock right now. Yep, none of them are moving. *taps fingers against keyboard* Nope, still not doing anything. Oh for Goodness sake!

For no apparent reason [other than he pissed off the author by giving away the whole plot] Jeremiah turned into a sheep. A Dorset Horn, to be exact.
"Ba Baa!" he said.
"You can say that again," said Bob the pink fluffy dragon.
"Ba Baaa!" Jeremiah retorted angrily. Red lights switched them selves on in his fleece to read, 'Oh hell!' swiftly followed by the words 'Shut up!'
"Well it's you're own fault," said Bob the pink fluffy dragon in unsympathetic tones. His expression changed. "Oh goody," he said sarcastically. He rolled his eyes before continuing as though he were reciting something. "By the pricking of my wings, something piratical this way sings. And by the sound of it large and possibly deadly," he added as vibrations of something large and highly possibly deadly could be felt.
"Ba ba!" said Jeremiah.
"You couldn't have been more clichÉ if you'd tried." Bob the pink fluffy dragon told him.
"Ba baa."
"Well considering I seem the only one who can talk right now, I wouldn't have though she would want me to. Anyway. I suggest we get out of here pretty smartish."
"Brrr. Ba, baa baa ba. Baa baa baaaaa."
"Yes I imagine it would be," Bob the pink fluffy dragon commented with a smirk. If sheep can glare, Jeremiah did so. He then waddled as fast as he could to Tayna's side and stuck is nose on her hand.
"Meeeh! Baaa! Baa baaa ba baaa baa!" The lights in his fleece suddenly switched on to read: 'Tayna! Come on! We have to get out of here!" She didn't even flinch. "Ba ba! Baa ba ba baa ba ba?"
"We could leave her here?" suggested Bob the pink fluffy dragon.
"BAA!"
"Calm down! It was only a suggestion. I'm hardly going to help kill off the female main character of this scatty novel, am I?"
"Baa," Jeremiah said sulkily. "Ba baa, baa ba ba baa ba ba?"
"Try and wake her up would seem like a god thing to do."
"Ba Ba Baa Ba?"
"You mean you can't think of a way to do it yourself?"
"Ba-" Jeremiah the sheep blushed. "BAA! Ba baa ba baa!"
"Then I'll do it!
"BAA!"
"Well we can't leave her here. You'll have to do something."
"Baaaa!" wailed Jeremiah and blushed again. Bob the pink fluffy dragon sighed.
"Just do it. I expect you'll be going it to her soon enough anyway..." said Bob the pink fluffy dragon smirking again.
"BAA!" said Jeremiah in embarrassed anguished tone. The rumbling seemed to have gotten louder.
"Ah well, looks like I'll have to go now," said Bob the pink fluffy dragon as he began vanishing. "See you soon.."
"BAA!" Jeremiah yelled at the now empty space. "Ba baaa..." he muttered, then crossed to stand in front of Tayna. His head was conveniently at the same hight as her crotch. "Ba baa baa ba," he said as the words 'she's going to kill me.' turned up on his fleece. Gently he stuck his snout in her crotch, nuzzled a bit and then snorted with all his strength.
"Whu-" Tayna said groggily, as though coming from a deep sleep. "Mmm," she continued, in a tone that seemed to say 'that was nice...'. Then she looked down, which was a bit silly, considering. "A-a- AAAAA!" she screamed, leaping backwards. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! What the fucking bloody cursing arsed weaselling hell?"
"Baa," Jeremiah said plaintively. "Baa! Baa ba baaaa!" He added a little more urgently. He waddled around behind her and head-butted her bottom in an effort to get her moving.
"Wah! Get off me!" she yelled and jumped away in a rather amusing fashion.
"Baa!" said Jeremiah encouragingly. "Baa!" Suddenly the ever-present rumbling seemed to be rather more loud than it had been. He turned his head. "Maaar?" There was a dust cloud fast approaching them. It looked very animÉ- or cartoon-esqu for some reason. He didn't pause to consider it, but waddled forward to make Tayna move again. She saw him coming, and put her hand out.
"Listen you perverted sheep, stop trying to ... whatever you're trying to do, okay! Just piss off. I am having a supremely bad day." She walked off. The wrong way. "Baa! Ba baaaa!" said Jeremiah in desperation. He started to waddle after here, but she walked too fast. He sat down and wailed, in sheep style, at the sky. Tayna stopped, very suddenly and stood very still. When she spoke, her voice burned with anger.
"Jeremiah?" she said very slowly.
"Ba." He said sadly. He saw suddenly she was shaking, not cold type shaking or tired or caffeinated shaking, or even scared trembling. This was white hot suppressed anger shaking. "Ba baa..." he mutter-groaned, which would be sheep for 'Oh shit.'
"You... you snorted in my crotch." He could hear the gritted-ness of her teeth. "You... you...!" 'I had to,' he tried to explain. 'I needed to wake you from your shock because the pink fluffy dragon said there was something dangerous coming . I'm only a sheep, I couldn't think of any other way. I swear to god that I didn't want to do it, and I knew you you would be mad. I'm so very very sorry! Please, believe me. And if at all possible, don't hurt me!' Of course, because he was still a sheep, all that came out was,
"Ba baa ba,' he tried to explain. 'ba baaa ba baa ba baa baa baa baaa ba baa baa baaa baa baa baa baaaa baaa baa. Ba baa ba baa, ba baaa baa ba baa baa ba. Ba baaa ba ba baa ba baa baa ba ba ba ba ba baa baa baa baaa ba baa. Ba ba baa baa baa! baaa, baa ba. Ba ba ba ba baaa, baa baa ba!"
"Shut. Up." She still had her back to him, but it was bowed, and he could see her fists clenched tightly to her sides. "I have nothing to say to a pervert and a liar and a scum bag like you. As of this moment I never want to see you again. You stay away from me. I'm getting out of this hell you and your little author friend call a novel." He stood up, and tried to walk towards her.
"Baa." He said quietly.
"Stay away!" She turned suddenly. "I said to stay away! Leave me alone! God damn you! I hate you. Understand that? Hate! HATE!" she screamed at him. "You lying filthy cack bag. Mother raping son of a BITCH! You screwed with me! You've sent me over the edge. How dare you! HOW DARE YOU!" There was such venom, pain and anger in her voice that Jeremiah was forced physically back a step. "I know what you wanted to say. I know-"

Suddenly there seemed to be a ship bearing down on them, with cries of 'Yarr' and 'Avast' emanating from it. They both looked up as the ship drew just between them.
"Ahoy down there!" Called a voice that seemed to be attached to a huge tricorn hat.
"Baa." called back Jeremiah. Tayna glared at him, before calling back herself.
"Ahoy yourself." she said, annoyed at being interrupted mid tirade. They watched as a rope was launched over the side of the ship and snaked it's way down towards them. It was swiftly followed by the large hat, complete with a figure in a crimson suit with gold trim and huge black boots. The figure slid with hand-blistering speed down to the ground and landed with a little jump. It turned around.
"Now then, what have we 'ere? A couple o' little fishies it seems," the pirate walked up to Tayna. "A pretty little fishy, n'less." Tayna was astonished to see the the pirate was a woman. She was tall and busty, and had hair almost as black as Tayna's own. Tayna was too astonished to resist when the pirate cupped her chin and lifted it. "Oh, my," breathed the pirate. "Such a little beauty." The pirate brought her face close to Tayna's. "Want to join me?" She asked seductively.
"What?" Asked Tayna, astonished by one, the fact this pirate was a female; two, that she had out right called Tayna pretty; and three, that she was being asked to join a pirate crew. The pirate drew away, stood back and looked Tayna over.
"I asked you, my pretty, if you wanted t'join my crew. Come aboard, sail with us, see things you've never dreamt of!" she flung her arms into the air in a dramatic flourish.
"I've dreamt of a lot of things..." The pirate woman gave her a look.
"D'you mind, I'm trying to be theatrical here?"
"Oh. Sorry."

The moment Jeremiah had seen the pirate was a woman, a bad feeling had stirred in one of his guts [sheep have four, did you know? It's because they have a Ruminant Digestive System, like cows. It's because they eat grass. It's very hard to digest grass, that's why they have four stomachs, so they can 'ruminate' and digest it properly. Sheep taste nice. Anyway]. He waddled over to them, and the sight of the pirate woman cupping Tayna's chin made jealousy stir in his heart. No! He though. I love her! And now he could hear Tayna being asked to join this bouffant woman and her crew of likely-ladies. Dammit, no! No, no, no! I don't care that you hate me Tayna, I love you. I've loved you since the end of the romance bit, please don't leave!
"Baa! Baaaa!" he said desperately, and waddled closer.

"There is even room for pets." The pirate said, glancing at the sheep bleating at them.
"That is not my pet." Tayna said coldly. "It can stay."
"So you're joining us?"
"Yes." Tayna nodded definitely, not facing the pirate, but Jeremiah the sheep. "If you will have me aboard your fine vessel, then I will join you with pleasure." The last word she spat vindictively at Jeremiah, and continued in the same vein, every word meant as a barb at him. "It is my insurmountable desire to sail with you and see things that I have possibly never dreamt of."
"Oh goody!" the pirate woman said happily. "We'll have such fun." She smiled happily. "Lower the ladder, ladies!" she called up to her ship. Tayna heard a clunk as a rope ladder was throw over next to the rope and bounced against the ship. "Come on then, my pretty fish!" the woman called to Tayna.
"Just a sec." she called back over her shoulder, before kneeling in front of Jeremiah.
"The dragon was right you know, you really aren't very cleaver. Good bye Jeremiah." She stood very stiffly and brushed herself off. With out another glance at him, she turned on her heal and climbed aboard the pirates' ship. Jeremiah felt as though Tayna had slapped him. She may as well have done. He was stunned, her last words ringing in his cute sheepy ears, 'good bye Jeremiah... good bye.' As the ship started to move off again, all he could think was, but... I love you...

As she was helped over the side of the ship, Tayna was greeted with many cries of 'Hello' and 'Avast' from the other crew members, all who seemed to be rather attractive women of varying ages all dressed in piratical outfits, and a parrot saying, 'Good day! Good day!'. She waved and called back,
"Hey, hello." The woman who had come to get her pulled Tayna to the front of the ship.
"Attention crew!" she called out. The women pirates all stopped what they were doing and turned to look. "I want you all to say hello to-" She gave Tayna a pointed look.
"Tayna." she supplied.
"This pretty little fish," continued the pirate-ess, "is the newest member of our crew, so I want you all to be nice to her!"
"Aye aye Cap'n!" responded the crew enthusiastically, before resuming their duties.
"Wow." Said Tayna, "I didn't realise you were the captain."
"Yep, that's me. Cap'n Elizabeth Rimstone. Liz to my friends, pain to my enemies." She smiled in a jovial fashion, before giving Tayna a long slow look up and down. "But! First things first. Time to get you kitted up. Tegan!"
"Aye Cap?" called a girl who looked to be in her early teens, running up to them and saluting.
"Tegan, I want you to take Tayna below and get her something that's a bit more... in the spirit of adventure."
"Aye Aye Cap!" said Tegan, taking Tayna by the hand. "C'mon lass, lets get you outta that silly frock." She pulled Tayna on to the lower deck and lead her down several hatchways to what appeared to be the sleeping quarters and mess area.
"Oh, I don't know." commented Tayna, "It's not as bad as some of the things I've been wearing recently..."
"Oh like what?" Tegan asked curiously.
"Well, uh.." Tayna said, suddenly embarrassed.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Tegan put her hand to her mouth. "You'll have to excuse me, I'm terribly curious about clothes you see. My mother was a tailor, she sewed my new blue jeans. But my father was a gamblin' man down in New Orleans. I kinda got the clothing bug, though, which is why I sort out what people wear when they're new, see?"
"Yes, actually, I think I do." Just let it flow through you, over you. Tayna though. You can still reclaim some semblance of the peace you had before the thingumy turned up...
"Please stand here." Tegan said. They had arrived at a sectioned off room full of clothes rails. Tegan moved Tayna to stand on a small platform in the middle of the room. "Thank you. Now lets see..." The girl stood contemplating Tayna's features for quite a while, before she suddenly punctured the air with her finger. "Yes, I can see it now!" She began rushing around, grabbing things from off clothing rails and out of boxes. Finally she handed Tayna a pile of clothes. "You can change behind that screen there." Tegan said, pointing. Tayna took the clothes and, moving behind the said screen, proceeding to change.
"So what have you been wearing recently?" Tegan asked as Tayna changed.
"Well, to start with I was just in jeans and a sweater, but then I was wearing some very revealing leather armour and a cloak. Next was the worst," she paused to cringe. "A pink and white dress, full of bows and frills with an extremely low square neck. God it was horrible."
"And what next?" asked Tegan.
"Are you writing this down?" Tayna asked suspiciously. Tegan's eyes widened in alarm. She hastily began to hide her notebook and quill pen, before realising that Tayna couldn't actually see her.
"No," she said.
"Okay then," Tayna resumed dressing into the new clothes. "Well, then there was a pretty austere black jeans and black polo-neck, with a huge silver cross. That was pretty comfortable actually. And then this." She threw the blue gingham dress over the screen. "So, why are you writing this down?"
"I like to hear about what people have worn. I make all these clothes myself, so I take inspiration where ever I can get it. You'd be amazed at what some of the girls here have worn, where they've come from an' all." Tayna stepped out from behind the screen, tying a waistcoat.
"I though you said you weren't writing this down," she commented, grinning.
"Urk!" said Tegan. "I'm sorry!"
"Chill, it's okay. It feels kinda nice to talk about these shitty past few days. So, how do I look?" she said, spinning, arms outstretched.
"Wow," said Tegan, impressed, "oh gods, I'm a flippin' genius." Tayna laughed. "You look.. you look... Aww hell, you look absolutely flippin' gorgeous, no joke!" Tayna laughed again.
"You really think so." Tegan nodded until her head seemed about to fly off.
"Uh huh. Take a peak." she gesticulated to a full length mirror in the corner. "Wow, Cap sure knows how ta pick 'em." Tayna walked over and looked at herself. Tegan was right, she was gorgeous from top to bottom. Her hair was still in pig tails, but that didn't matter. She wore a white sail shirt, tucked into tight leather trousers. Around her wrists where bracers designed to keep the shirt in check, as was the tight leather waistcoat. Around her neck still hung the silver cross she had found with her on waking in the warehouse. Madame Fox must have put it on a chain for me, and Jeremiah put it on me while I was sleeping. She touched it gently, finding herself missing them slightly. Around here waist hung what she presumed would be a sword belt, however it was minus it's sword or scabbard. On her feet she had bucket boots, a classical staple of pirate dress. All in all, she did look fantastic. Gently she tugged at the bows holding her prig tails in place and hair cascaded it's way down he back and over her shoulders. Some how, it still looked fabulous, despite having no brush or washing facilities for most of the novel.
"Wow, what a lot of hair!" Tegan exclaimed. "You'll have to keep that under control. I have just the thing. Uh..." She looked around at the boxes, before jumping at one and rummaging through it. "Here we go! Let's try this." She walked over and jumped on the little pedestal. "Come here please." Tayna did so. Tegan motioned for her to turn around, spinning her hand in a circular motion, and Tayna did so. Carefully Tegan looped a brightly coloured peacock-blue scarf around Tayna head tying it at the back. A few carefully positioned hair grips later and it was in place.
"That's much better!" said Tegan. Tayna turned to her. "Wow, is that the cross you were telling me about?" Tegan asked. Tayna reached up and touched it again.
"Yeah," she said, slightly sad.
"It's real pretty. May I?" she asked. Tayna nodded her consent. Tegan picked it gently off her chest. "Wow, that's quite Gothic. Hey, there's an inscription on it."
"What? Where? What does it say?"
"Right here." Tegan pointed. "It says Deus ex machina. That sounds weird. I wonder what it means." She looked up at Tayna's face, but her eyes where far away.
"It means 'God in the Machine'," she whispered, tears pricking her eyes.
"Tayna? What's wrong." Tegan asked concerned looking straight into Tayna's face.
"I..." Tayna turned away. "It's... it's nothing. Really." she swiped at her eyes.
"Tayna..." Tegan put her hand on Tayna's shoulder. Tayna sniffed loudly before turning back, smiling. "Really, it's nothing. Just got a little emotional there, remembering some old... acquaintances." Tegan didn't look convinced. "But, it doesn't matter any more. It really doesn't. That's the whole point of coming aboard, to get away and forget. Move on." She tried to sound bright, cheerful, but she knew she sounded off. But if Tegan thought so, she didn't say so, or press for any more details.
"Okay then..." She said instead. "If you are sure." Tayna nodded. "Okay then!" Tegan continued. "lets go see Serra. She deals with weapons. Okay?" Tegan smiled so brightly at her, that Tayna felt she could do nothing but smile brightly back.