These are quotes I’ve picked up from my friends, from the internet and from tv shows or movies. Most of these are amusing, or at least they are to me.

“To everything you just said, I say soup.” – The Apprentice

“I stroll along, talk, I sign books, people buy me drinks, I forget where my hotel is, I get lost and fall into some local body of water… done it hundreds of times.” – Terry Pratchett

“Ya know why they have those little umbrellas on cocktails don’tcha? Its so when it rains, the liquor doesn’t get diluted.” – Batteries Not Included

Akima: “So, what are you going to call it?”
Cale: “I think I’ll call it Bob.”
Akima: “You can’t name a planet Bob!”
Cale: “No one said you had to live on Bob…” [Titan AE]

“Will joining the Rebellion allow me to travel to new and interesting places, and kill Storm Troopers in new and interesting ways?” – heard at a StarWars RPG

“Yes, but why is the Rum gone?” – Cap’n Jack Sparrow, PotC

The liver is evil and must be punished

“‘… then I decided that I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.’
Arthur cleared his throat, and then did it again. ‘Where,’ he said, ‘did you…?’
‘Find a gin and tonic?’ said Ford brightly. ‘I found a small lake that thought it was a gin and tonic, and jumped in and out of that. At least, I think it thought it was a gin and tonic.’
‘I may,’ he added with a grin which would have sent sane men scampering into the trees, ‘have been imagining it.'”
– Ford updating Arthur about what he’s been doing for the past four years. [Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy]

“I went into MacDonald’s yesterday and said ‘I’d like some fries’. The girl at the counter said ‘Would you like some fries with that'”

“I think I need to alter the aim on this thing.”
“Why? You got him in the head.”
“I was aiming for his knee…” [I think this is from the televised version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World]

“Windows is not a virus. Viruses are small and efficient” – SaberSlash

“If at first you don’t succeed, type, type again.” -Angelfire 404

“Go away and let me die!” -The Baron, The Adventures of Baron von Münchhausen

“… and get that fish out of my ready room” -Captain Jellico, ST:TN

“Quick! Back in the fish!” – The Adventures of Baron von Münchhausen

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.” – Marty Feldman

“Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.” – Steven Wright

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women … among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.” – Lynn Lavner

“[large number] of people voted for the nutter in the white frock. That’s gotta say something.” – the Nutter in the White Frock, after the British general election 2005

“You can eat these fries any way you want. You can dip them in ketchup or your drink if that turns you on. You can stuff them in your sandwich or you can play pick-up-sticks with them if you really want. Or, hang on, here’s a thought, you could eat them like a nortmal human being” – from a Burger King fries packet.

“You’re saying my balls are some kind of state secret?” – Gurgeh, The Player of Games

“You are stark raving mad. Insane in the gibbering, room with soft walls, dressing gown with wrap-around sleeves sense of the word. Not only have you lost your marbles, but your marbles have quite clearly passed beyond this plane of existence, to the point that neither you nor anyone else will find them again. You’ve flipped, you’ve lost it. You don’t just have a screw loose – it’s doubtful whether there’s a single screw even slightly tightened. Good luck. :)” – iapetus2k2

<Zanthis> AFK, tornado

Blade: “You’re human?”
Kounen: “Barely. I’m a lawyer.” [Blade 2]

Interviewer: “Do you belive in aliens?”
Random Guy: “I am from germany” [Some random TV show]

Lucas: “It’s okay! I have my PDA.”
Arthur: “What are you going to do – text God for help?” [Threshold: S1, Ep13 ‘Alienville’]

Simon: “Are you always this sentimental?”
Mal: “Had a good day.”
Simon: “You had the alliance on you, criminals and savages. Half the people on this ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself, and you’re harbouring known fugitives.”
Mal: “We’re still flying.”
Simon: “That’s not much.”
Mal: “It’s enough.” [Firefly]

“The Pride is the Heart of the Lion and the source of his Strength” – Kat Syivier

“Web mistresses don’t die, they just change domain names.” – Spacefem

“We are people of God, and it’s our duty to help anyone that needs it… Even if they are Americans” – Hostage missionary, JAG

Gibbs: ‘Any more food fights and I’m joining in. With peas.’
Kate: ‘Frozen?’
Gibbs: ‘In the can.’ [NCIS]

Gibbs: “And people think we’re assholes.”
Fornell: “Only because they know us.” [NCIS]

Vega: “Loki is the most evilest thing ever in Norse mythology.”
Metawidget: “Does that make me the Norse answer to a Satanist?”

“Note to everyone else: Don’t rock up home at 5 am with your boyfriend in tow, with new piercings in odd places and a bottle of melon liquer in your hand. Your mother may come to the conclusion that something suspicious has occured.” – SatansSpawn666

“It’s not that I mind travelling the galaxy, learning new languages, experiencing new cultures, saving the world… But, we get paid for this. Right?” -Daniel Jackson

“Err, Sam? The sun’s beeping.” – Daniel Jackson

Greg: “I could kill for a coffee”
Dru: “You only have to ask…”

“Rape is rape, but chips are just chips.” – Dru

Darkliquid *mystically*: “Look deep within yourself’
Dru: “I see… red squishy bits.”
Darkliquid: “Uh. Not that far”

“Which is thicker; the drink or the fool who drinks it?” – Alex on Darkliquid the drink

“Soon Captin Morgan shall reign supreme and all shall fall down and talk shite” – Hugh on Morgan’s Spiced Rum

“Of course, that’s because ostriches don’t have Christianity.” – Greg

“I crumbed…” – Dru

“This lent I meant to have sent a bent-gent to rent a tent bigger than Kent!” – Hugh

“Sometime I have trouble remembering conversations. Especially if it was at one am and I’ve been drinking” – Dru

“If I knew there was going to be a competition I would have trained!” – Major

“I point my dick at his gun.” – Jade [playing a female]

“I push the ejaculation button” – Jade

“So, will you use projectile telepathy?” – Me

“I love Bloody Marys. And they count towards your 5-a-day, so I can get healthy and drunk at the same time!” – Dru

“Anyone who says they are a 100% sane is lying.” – Monkey

“Why are your feet so cold?” – Me [to Andy]
“Because he’s dead.” – Jade

“You can’t see my boobs – I have a remote in my bag!” – Kelly

Andy: Don’t hit him; Argos him!

Myera: I’m mocking him – don’t interrupt!

Robert: See, even your depression is mathematical. – Proof

the monkmeister: I love the smell of burning brain cells in the morning, It smells like…..Geekdom.

the monkmeister: Go, Go, gadget builder!

“I’m the only Goth in the village!”
“No you’re not, you’re just a bit miserable.” – Aberystwyth University drama sketch

Me: Does it worry you I talk to inanimate objects?
Andy: No. I talk to them too. I talk to myself.

“Your novel: All the sex, violence, passion and struggle. None of the teeth-brushing.” – Holly Lisle

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